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shock has worn off -Carers UK Forum

shock has worn off

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I wondered if anybody else experienced the same as me.
For the past 7 months since Hubs died, I have been numb, like it wasn't real, in shock, I suppose.
Now all of a sudden, the reality has hit me, he really isn't coming back, and I alternate between quiet acceptance, and resignation, guilt, and crying.
I think it's good though, that I'm crying a bit more.

Did anyone , or does anyone else feel the same?

Love Phoebe xxxx
Being widowed is the single most traumatic thing that can happen to one, bar the death of a child.

I would say that the one thing to guide you now is to 'expect the unexpected' in emotional terms. Going numb is a coping mechanism, and now you are emerging from it, like waking up from an anesthetic. BOY, does it hurt!

I would say you will now go through a nightmare rollercoaster of emotions - numbness followed by shock (huge huge shock!), possibly denial, disbelief, anger, helplessness, tearing horrific grief, round and round and round. If, too, you have spent long months and years caring for a very ill or disabled husband, after their death, when your own life, inevitably, becomes 'easier' you may very well be afflicted by guilt....

In time, it may come to a situation whereby you are 'living on ice' in that most of the time you are keeping going, and then every now and then, sometimes for 'big things' like anniversaries, and sometimes just small things, like seeing him in a photo, or a memory of something you did together, and the ice breaks under your feet and down, down, down you go into the icy water of howling grief.....then, who knows why, the ice reforms and you are able to keep moving again.

Even now, five years on from my husband dying, the ice still breaks apart beneath my feet sometimes, and I either cry, or reel with shock. I still can't, I know, quite truly believe he is dead....it just seems so, so impossible.....

Seven months is very early days....

I wish you well, and can only tell you that though things can't get 'better' (only having them back, well and healthy, could be that!), they DO get easier.....after a while, we find we can have what I call 'little pleasures'....life will always have that heart of grief in it, but around the edges we find small joys in little things, and, if we have them, a source of endless comfort in our children and grandchildren.

May I also recommend that you take a look at joining a widows/widowers' support group called WAY UP. WAY (Widowed and Young) was founded some years ago for younger widows, who then have become older (!) and so founded a secondary organisation called WAY UP for the over 40-s widows and widowers. It's a very good orgnisation, and was a huge help to me earlier. They have an active online forum, like this one, and one can pour one's heart out on it, with great comfort.

There is also, I believe, another support group online called Merry Widows. I know the name is a bit off (!) but apparently that is very good for the 'immediate support' that the recently widowed need.

Do send me a PM if you want to know any more, or just offload to me.

Kindest wishes, Jenny.
Thank you jenny, I will certainly look at WAYUP and let you know how I got on with it.
And I am also very sorry for your loss too.
What has made it harder,is that 2 years ago I nursed my mum to the end with Brain cancer, Hubs helped me look after her and I couldnt have done it without him.
Then he was diagnosed with Lung and bone cancer and I nursed him to the end.
I miss them both so much.
Thank you for all your help,
love Phoebe xx
Hi Phoebe ,
So shocked to read this, my condolences, I have not been on the site often. as has
been said, its all very raw right now, early days, it all takes
time.for the mind to settle , you always think they are walking in the door, sending my love and hugs. PM me anytime. to talk or shout. always here.
Minnie x
Phoebe, we'll miss them for ever - nothing can change that, and we know we wouldn't want not to miss them...but the pain does fade, I promise you, and becomes almos subliminal sometimes, a little ache in the heart, little more than that. But don't be dismayed if you do from time to time 'fall through the ice'.....the ice WILL reform, and you will be able to go on again.

What I do in my head is say to myself 'What would I be doing now if my husband were here alive still?' and sort of 're-imagine' my life as it 'should' be. It may be daft, but I find it comforting.

Kindest thoughts to you, Jenny
Thank you, Minnie and Jenny,
sometimes I imagine what Hubs or Mum would say to me as i am doing something, such as "well done" or " you daft girl". I can almost hear their voices, and it makes me smile.
Other times I just want to cry as i miss them so much.

Love Phoebe xxxx
You are in my thoughts Phoebe xx
Thank you, blue bird, and (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) to everyone in a similar position
Bless you Phoebe, you have been through sooo much! My thoughts are with you. So sorry for your losses. xxx I too lost my mum 4 yrs ago to pancreatic cancer. Can rememeber like it was yesterday. And sometimes I still can't believe she has gone. But I know that she has. I talk to her in my head, and often ask myself, How would mum deal with this? or What would mum do? or my mum will think this is funny! Your loved ones will always be in your heart an thoughts. (and if you believe, "still with you in spirit" I take comfort in this. Big Hug. xxx

Kind regards.

Busymiss. xx
Thank you, busymiss, you have been through so much yourself. I too believe they are still with us in spirit, and often talk to them, usually saying, "ok, mum or Hubs, what shall i do about this/that?)
I usually get some answer occuring me, Image
I often think, as well, Mum or Hubs would find this or that funny Image Image

stay strong, and thank you for your kind words of support,
love Phoebe xxxxxx