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Sad, bereft, lonely - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Sad, bereft, lonely

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.

We're in the same boat here, but Jenny's right, we need to forgive ourselves. You were an awesome carer for years, you were sleeping like a baby at that time due to sheer exhaustion catching up with you.

Grief is just horrible and I think everyone works through it in different ways. It's 5 days since Mum passed away. I was hysterical with grief for the first few hours, then gradually I had moments of acceptance and calmness, knowing Mum's struggle was over and I'd done all I could to support her. Sometimes I feel I've got the worst of my tears out of my system and I'm totally back in control, but then it hits me and I fall to pieces again. It's hard.
It’s nearly a month since mum died. But I don’t feel any better. The doc turned up at 6pm (unexpected) asking us if we wanted mum to go to hospital as her kidneys were failing. We said no; maybe we should’ve said yes.
But mum hated hospital with a passion and a half, and begged us to never send her to hospital again, so we said no.
The morphine pump (in a locked bag) was never used; thank god!
She just slipped away when nobody had the good grace to be awake.
So much for Abide with ME at her funeral… we were fast asleep.

You had the good grace to care for your mother with kindness, love and good humour for YEARS. If your mother had cried out or called for you I'm sure you would have been there in a flash. Your father was in the bed next to hers and heard nothing, so I think your Mum must have slipped away quietly, peacefully, as was shown by the relaxed look of her face when you found her.

Grieve, cry and remember, but never for one second reproach yourself about the fact your mother slipped away by herself. She wasn't alone, she just didn't call you to attention. Her death, her way, on her terms. Our mothers were both luckier than most in that way.
Sajehar and SheWolf, although I was there at my dad's passing, I beat myself up that I'd not listened to him a week earlier when he said he didn't feel right. I was driving him back from Dorset to Kent and pulling the car over every five minutes on the motorways and as getting very angry with him. In hindsight, he may have had a TIA on the way.
I talked to the care home nurse about this. She told me to balance that one time against all the other times when I got it right.
Thanks Juggler, that's a great way of getting things in perspective.

Cyber hugs to everyone here who is grieving and feeling bereft.
I think mum died from a chest infection. It just happened out of nowhere. But the antibots mum had been given didn’t work.

She just looked at me with a bright look on her face going on about how my pictures had lined the walls.

And then we went to sleep.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I sat by my father's bedside for two whole days in hospital; his organs were failing and the whole family was there, too. I was really close to my Dad, but I suddenly and inexplicably felt I couldn't be in that room any more. I ran out, saying 'I just can't do this'. Within five minutes, someone came out and told me he was gone. I am convinced that he couldn't bear to leave me and was also sparing me the agony of watching him leave us.
Maybe that's why your mother chose to leave while you slept?
Hearing is one of the last senses to go, so even though there may be no other responses, our loved ones may "hear" whether we are with them or not, and ultimately make the decision of when to leave us. My Dad chose to go, whilst me and Mum were with him, literally within minutes of me calling Mum in to see him. Even though his sister had been with him, for over an hour, less than ten minutes earlier. I guess it's a case of them knowing how we would like to remember them, at the very end.

Mum's younger brother, who had Alzheimer's, chose to leave when just she (visiting from over 300 miles away), and his wife were with him. His wife even said, "He waited till his big sister was with him".

Research, with those who have been through near death experiences, seems to indicate a heightened sense of awareness, and indeed calmness, towards the end - it may be this that helps them make that final decision.
SoA, on this I completely agree with you. I think they leave us when they are ready to leave us - and not before, and not until. It is not something we should try and control, nor can we.

I think it is something we need to accept is out of our hands.

Sajahar, to me, there is something very lovely about your mum slipping away while you and your father were sleeping. The two of you were at peace then, not trying to hold her back, not tearful and grieving, but at peace asleep. To me, that sounds a good time for her to leave you. I hope that perhaps, in time, you may be able to accept the way she chose to die. Grief wracks and tears at us, with sharp and pitiless claws, and we play all, all, all the 'if only I had ....' over and over again (I did this with my husband, identifying every single mistake I'd made in his medical care, by not insisting on this, that, and the other), but as time passes those self-recriminations ease, and eventually dissolve. Things happened as they happened, and we do, eventually, accept that.
Jenny, thank you, appreciated