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Sad, bereft, lonely - Carers UK Forum

Sad, bereft, lonely

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello anyone..
I have been caring for my husband for the past eight years, in addition to keeping a full time job in the NHS. He passed away on the 30th December, and I am feeling so bereft. Not only is it the acute sadness of the man I love, whom I had been married to for 35 years, but I am no longer needed for the caring role that I had spent 24 hours a day thinking about . I can't even think about normal shopping, as every time I went it was purely around what my husband fancied, could eat or manage. I feel so desperate with the need to care and love, but don't want to sound depressed. He gave me so much love, I just feel empty. X
Hi Elizabeth, welcome to the forum. I was widowed nine years ago. It's very early days yet. You are now top priority, but I know how empty the house and your life feels right now. Have you ever heard of "Way Up". It's a group online for Widows. Join and read some of the other posts, lots of people are going through the same as you, and it will help you hugely.
Dear Elizabeth. I was widowed seven years ago, at this time of year. No one can understand the nightmare of widowhood, except those of us to whom it has happened.

Numbness is a good descriptoin of that utter emptiness that possesses us now. Disbelief, anger, denial, despair - all are to be expected.

Take each day as it comes. You will be prostrate with grief and bewilderment, and yet when someone dies there is a mountain of paperwork. Every time I had to deal with a piece of post or paperwork with my husband's name on it, I just collapsed and howled in grief and disbelief.

Yet the paperwork helped give me 'something' to cling to, somethign to do, measuring each trackless day.

Waking in the morning was a particular hell, as there is a second where you don't remember what has happened, then it hits you like a sledgehammer sweeping in and knocking the breath out of your body.

People can tell you over and over again 'oh, it was a merciful release' etc etc, but it doesn't help at all, even if it's true. My husband died unconcious, and of course I could hardly want him to keep going endlessly in that state. But having him actually dead...oh, that was when I wanted him back in ANY state of life....

I agree with BB about WayUP. I found them a real lifeline. Everyone there was in the same situation, and we could say anything and everything.

Kindest regards at this darkest time - Jenny.
Hello ER,

There are people on this forum who have been in your situation, they will be along soon, I am sure. I cared for my father for over 13 years until he passed away in the autumn of 2012 - it must be so much harder to lose a life partner. Like you, it took me ages to adjust when I was shopping (and in other situations too!). Give yourself time - early days yet.
I am sorry to read your post, it is no consolation that you did what you could for him for so many years I guess and I can't begin to understand how you are feeling. Go gentle on yourself, take time to grieve and do whatever you need to do to heal yourself, maybe a break from your job and time to do something entirely different with a good friend?
dear elizabeth,
so sorry for your sad loss,
i lost mr bigbear aug 2013
sincere condolences,
love hugs and respect
bigbear x :)
Dear Elizabeth,
I know just how you feel. I lost my beloved Joan on the 20th of December, after 62 years of marriage. I was her carer for several years and even though she was unable to do anything for herself, it was a privilege to look after her. Although she was frustrated by her condition, she never complained and she never lost her sense of humour. We laughed a lot.
I too miss the caring roll and of course Joan, who was and still is the love of my life.
Getting used to living on your own after all this time is difficult, but I will get there, as I am sure that you will. It's early days for us both, but we have to remember that as one door closes, another one opens.
Every Blessing
so sorry for your loss too richard.
hugs bigbear x
Sad, bereft, lonely

That’s how I feel losing my mum. The weird thing is we never even got on when I was younger.
To lose a partner must be hell.

I knew mum was dying. I thought I was prepared for it; I wasn’t.

I don’t think anything prepares you for a stiff dead body instead of the person you saw before.

My last memories of mum are being sarcastic. I loved her for it.

Dad and me had struggled getting her in and out of her hospital bed. I agreed with dad (finally) that we could not do this anymore.
She looked at me, shaking her fists at me, like I was a traitor. In a way, I was.

Dad then pointed out he’d pulled his bad shoulder.

She gave him a scathing look, and said, “Oh… Poor you!”

Mum was barely able to speak at this time, so I was passing these messages between my parents.

Dad and me also fell asleep at the same time as keeping a vigil over mum.

She always wanted to die at home – which she did – but not when somebody was awake for her.

Why did we fall asleep? Dad in their bed (actually the hospital one pushed up to their bed to make a huge one), me in the armchair?

Shouldn’t one of us woken up or something?

Instead we slept. I will never forgive myself. I woke up at all sorts of insane hours, but the one time I needed too I didn’t. I slept like a baby. The one time mum needed us, we weren’t there.
Sajahar, she DIDN'T need you! That's the essential point to hang on to! That is why she chose that moment to leave this world! When the two people she loved most were asleep, not 'on duty' to keep her company and keep her in this world that she was so, so ready to leave. She knew how much you were trying to 'keep her here' and she knew she wanted to go, needed to go, called to go by powers beyond our mortal understanding, and so she found a way to leave without your trying to hold her back......

She spared you, you know - watching the life ebb from a living soul is not easy to witness, and would have caused you distress and anguish. This way she made her decision, and the next time you saw her, she had 'gone', gone from this life into whatever comes after....