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Feel lost and lonely - Carers UK Forum

Feel lost and lonely

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I am not sure why I'm telling you this. You must all be feeling the same as me. I lost my lovely husband just over twelve months ago and I am feeling increasingly lost and lonely without him. I dont understand why I am feeling so bad. My husband had cancer and it we both knew he would not survive. I had eighteen months with him before the end. I keep wishing I hadn't took a couple of days to go to London with my daughter. Or that I hadn't gone out for a meal with my friends or family. I want all those lost moments back to spend with my husband. It's crazy, I know. Everyone keeps telling me I could not have done more, but I dont believe them. I am sat here crying my heart out. I miss him so much. My mum died just before that. If she had been around I could talk to her. She died of cancer too. With the help of my brothers I cared for her too. The stress of that made me fall out with them. Now they never call.
A month ago my sons business went into liquidation. It sent him into a deep depression and he tried to harm himself. He looks so sad and I am frightened for him. I want it all to stop. I've had enough. Image
You must find yourself something to do, or go somewhere to make new friends, or visit old ones. Give yourself a break every now and then, the worst thing is to stay in and continually feel sad.
I'm sure your hubby would know that you did your best for him, nobody can do any more than their 'best'. It's okay to feel sad, of course it is, but you don't want to do that all the time would you? And your hubby wouldn't want or expect you to either.
Hugs to you.
It's no wonder you are finding life difficult, any one of those events would be enough.
Losing your mum and your husband - both momentous life events which take a long time to recover from, and you've had to face them one after the other. You also have been caring for both over some years which leaves you exhausted emotionally and physically.
Firstly, stop expecting too much of yourself. It takes longer than we think to recover.
We invest so much in those we love, it can't be 'switched off' instantly, nor should it be.
Have you told your GP how you are feeling? Have you had any counselling or other help? If not, that would seem the first thing to do, you shouldn't be reluctant to ask for help. It's easy to slip into depression in these circumstances, and then you don't have the strength or energy to start rebuilding a life for yourself.
I think it's very common to feel you didn't do enough, it's a sign that you care and did a good job - believe me those who don't bother lose no sleep worrying about it.
Please be kind to yourself, don't expect too much at once. A year after losing someone is a tricky time and it's understandable that you feel emotional.
It's a good thing to post on here, use the forum to let out how you feel, we all need to
do that.
best wishes, Lesley x
Hugs from me too. Sometimes it feels like once we've had one terrible thing happen to us its the beginning of a whole string of things. Its almost like it attracts more of the same.

Caring is very tiring and emotionally draining and you must be worn out. It takes a long to recover from that add grief to the pot and we take quite a battering. Please don't beat yourself up, take time to look after yourself, try to get out and like Lell says counselling may be useful. You must be worried about your son has he had any help from any where?

Take care X
Thank you to everyone of you who have replied to my post. I guess I threw a "pity party" for myself there. I am not like this all the time. I have joined various groups and write poetry and short stories which gives me an outlet. I think all this with my son tipped me over again. He was admitted to hospital for 3 weeks and is now getting some help though I am still seriously worried he will harm himself again. I try to keep things in perspective and I am lucky I have a daughter who is very caring and close . You are right in saying I am exhausted and tired. I need something good to happen to balance things up a bit. My grandsons graduation is in September and I am going to that which is a cause for celebration. I am saving up for a holiday next year and I have won Poet of the Year with my writing group plus a first, second and third prize and two highly commended. All this gives me a lift. I am sorry for being such a moan the other day. Sometimes I am alone and tired and it's late but I just dont want to go to bed , its then I start to "let go".
This is a poem I wrote It's called

"It's Then"

I get up each morning and face a new day
People will ask "Are you doing O.K.?
I smile and reply "I am doing just fine"
But you and I know I'm just spinning a line
If I told them the truth, that I'm breaking apart
And the fact of his loss tore a hole in my heart
They would panic and say"I have somewhere to be"
And some wouldn't stop the next time they saw me
But yet in the night as the curtains are drawn
And I find myself lost and completely alone
It's then that I let my real feelings come through
And cry to them all that they haven't a clue
It's then that my sorrow and grief really show
It's then when I say how I'm missing him so. Image
that is a powerful poem. I know all those feelings exactly,only in my case it was my son who died, not my husband.
I am trying very hard to become confident with writing my thoughts down on the computer. I used to do a lot of writing,keep a journal and after Rhys died it was one of the things that I craved every day, it helped save me from myself. Now though,my hands are too painful with arthritis(even though the arthritis is not severe), to write and takes my mind off my writing. But I wanted the physical connection of pen and paper, rather than typing on the computer which takes the emotion out of it.
I hope that all goes well for your son now,pleased to see that you get the support and love of a wonderful daughter(me too).
Hi LazyDaisy, I cannot even begin to imagine the desolation at losing a child at any age. My heart goes out to you. Please try and carry on with your writing. It is a great way of crystalizing your thoughts.
Thank you for the comments . I wrote that poem when I felt angry and alone. But not all my poems are like that. Some are positive and upbeat. It just depends on my mood.
I can understand your reluctance to use a computer. I felt exactly the same. I wrote everything on paper first, and still do. Once I have an idea written down I cross to the computer as it allows me to play around with the words until I get them right.
Thank you for your kind and understanding words Image
Your lovely poem sums it all up, BlueEyes.
I don't save crying till the evenings though, it just happens anytime, anywhere and I used to feel so silly (especially at supermarket checkouts with my little 'puddle' of shopping in my basket), but now I don't care. If I wanna burst into tears, quietly I mean and stand there with tears running down my face, then I will and do. Fed up with hiding things, why shouldn't I cry?
It doesn't help when people say 'you're still young (I'm 54) yet'. Yeah, that makes it worse, cos it makes the years ahead all by myself, seem a lifetime. I don't want to be all by myself, I need someone in my life, never been on my own, not that type of person.
Hello blue eyes, nice to see you back again. I have missed your poetry. I am pleased you felt able to come back and tell us how you feel, and that in some small way we have made you feel better....for a short while....(((HUGS))).xx
Thanks again everyone. I spent the day walking with my two sons today. My eldest, the one I told you about is still very low. The repercussions seem to go on and on. His house is in danger of being reposessed. H Image e has worked all his life from the age of fifteen even serving in the armed forces during the Falklands conflict and feels he has lost everything. I point out he still has his wife and two lovely sons. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it better. I think today was a better day for him and it helped to go walking in the hills. Little steps , I suppose. Image
Blue eyes

Things to be grateful for.

A smile from my first grandchild
The glimpse of Christmas snow
Kind words from a stranger
watching my children grow
A letter from a loved one
When we are far away
The early sight of daffodils
On a sunny spring-like day
The golden hearts of people
Who cheer me when I'm blue
Who laugh with me and cry with me
People, such as you.
A gentle hand, a warm caress,
The thrill of that first kiss.
These things, you see
Are all for free
Sweet dreams are made of this Image