Person aproached me about my father's estate.

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.

I have one daughter living in a bad area, she has one child and a three bedroom council house so she is paying bedroom tax. The other daughter has a one bedroom council house and two children (currently very young but different sexes). My father bought another flat the same as my own flat. This was so that when my dad died I would be in his house and the two girls and families would have decent sized flats in decent areas and they would be handy for caring for me in my old age!
However, this was viewed as my dad and I dictating where they live! One daughter and her husband tried to get my dad to buy a house in te last weeks of his life but whether they talked my dad into this or whether they used his indentity to try to buy this house in a bad area but where that son in law came from.
As soon as they realised I now had all my dad's assets the pressure started on me. They had not worked out that having been a single parent, a worker and a carer I am not a pushover especially as I dont have my dad telling me to "behave"!
Their loss, not even when I pop my clogs will they be able to get their hands on much because I worked in legal and I know how to arrange this! It also means that they have done all their kids out of what would eventually have come to them!
It is sad but it has always been the way in my family those who are there get and those who dont show face get nothing.

Hi Duncaring

My in laws outlived my wife by 3 years and their original will stated if my wife was not alive I would get the estate.
This was appropriate at the time the will was written.
When my daughters got to 20 and 21 we decided that they should be the beneficiary's and a new will was drawn up.
Sadly my in laws passed away within 6 weeks of each other and we were approached by a relative on their side saying the estate should go to somebody who as far as I remember we had not met as they were blood relatives.
I did point out their granddaughters were blood relatives but they tried to say in view of their mother passing away they were too remote and were not of the right age to receive an inheritance.
My daughters invested the money and used it to pay for their homes when they got married so I do not see what was wrong with what they did.

Hi Brian

It is good that your daughters have had a good start in life with the help of their grand- parents and you. I would have loved to have been able to help my daughters but I will not be using any of my parents money to make life comfortable for a pair of free loaders. Both my daughters work but their partners do not. I lost my husband 8 months before my dad. I became ill probably due to the stress of it all. I have been diagnosed with Ceoliac Disease. Before diagnosis this illness makes a person so weak because of food not being absorbed on its extremely fast travel through the body. One son in law constantly made remarks about my "bathroom occupation". He had no right to discuss such matters and certainly not at full volume outside the back door. Both the partners have made quite threatening remarks re property i.e I will throw you down stairs, I will put you in a care home, I will get my mum to batter you and the final one was I dont want your house I just want the value of it. The other one goes on at great length counting the number of plates etc in my kitchen cupboard. He said I have more bedrooms and more houses than the council. I have repeatedly asked my daughters to stop them. In one case this did not happen and in the other case I was told to "suck it up that is how he is" ! I had paid for the driving lessons in the hope that they would pass and could have cars so that they can stay in the areas they (or more likely their partners) chose but still get to my house with less hassle than taking children prams and all on the bus. I have had strokes in the past and have other health issues too.
Since I put my foot down and said right there is going to be no more money coming from me I have not seen my daughters or my grandchildren. I have been told that I will not see any future grandchildren either. I have not been officially informed of the latest grandchild born early July.
I am glad that your children as more deserving than mine. The only thing which would worry me is this. You and the deceased grandparent have given the younger generation a good help in starting their lives. What about the other parents and grand parents of the partners? Have they given equally? Has something been done legally to protect your children in the event of a break down in the reltionship? Obviously those questions are far too personal for me to have answered. I do not expect you to answer the questions. Perhaps it is my jaded experiences but I got sick of the assumptions that my family would provide houses and cars for a pair of "men" (I use the term loosely) who will neither work nor want and think they have some right to dictate to me in the absence of my husband and dad. They would not have dared if my dad and husband were alive and if they had they would have been sorted out quick style.
I believe in fair treatment.

Hi Duncaring

The husbands parents have given equally in both cases and legal agreements have been set up but the solicitor has doubts on how effective they will be once children are involved.

While we are on the subject I don't want to get married again as I hope the proceeds of my house will go to my granddaughters.
A lady friend walked out on my father when she realised I owned half the house in spite of the fact she owned an equal house.

I am seeing a solicitor next week to see if there is any way the house could be protected in the event of me having to go in to care but I am hoping that will never happen.
In any case it should be 20+ years away and I would not be surprised if the law is changed by then.

Hi Brian

There are ways that your house can be protected for the future in the event of you having to be cared for. I am in Scotland and there are different laws in England so not sure what would be relative to your case.
Again this would be a minefield which would need attention from a Solicitor so that your daughter would be protected in your house in the event of a brown down in their marriages.
I am equally not planning to remarry but that is because I loved my husband to pieces, however I think it is something that older persons would have to take into consideration. My point is that I do not see why my parents' money should keep a pair of idlers. I do not consider that the inheritance money is mine, I just think I am the current guardian of the money. Given the conduct of the sons in law and the lack of intervention from the daughters I now plan to send my estate in alternative directions.


I think a lot of people think of themselves as the guardians of the money.
My great grandparents got a 2 up 2 down terrace.
My grandparents got a semi.
My parents got a 4 bedroom dethatched which I am now living in.
I did own a house in London which was not so good but more in value.
It could be argued I did not improve matters due to being widowed but I have helped to give my 2 daughters a better start in life so I and my late wife have helped in a different way.
I want to enjoy the rest of my life but I am not part of the spend the kids inheritance society.

Hi Brian
I had no intention of being mean with my inheritance. It was great when I could now buy things for my daughters but when the sons in law got at the demand and they are both from very tough areas and both over 6 ft while I am only 5 ft and very thin. No matter what they say or do I am still a lot older and a lot wiser than they are and I can see a scam and bullying.
I had to spend nearly 20 years in a place I did not wish to live in caring for both parents to inherit what I did and I had thought it would be better to see my girls right while I was still alive but given the way the sons in law think they have some sort of right to the money or goods and some right to start dictating at me is what screwed it all up for the girls.
Just as no-one has the right to tell you to give everything to charity no-one has the right to tell me what to do with my inheritance. I do not tolerate any bullying and I definitely do not take any rubbish from a couple of daft wee boys.
Hi Duncaring

In my case my father could only have willed half the house to somebody else as Mum left her half to me and I am not sure if that would have been possible as I noticed it said on the land certificate no transfer, charge, or sale of the property allowed without the consent of both parties defined as myself and Dad.
Another interesting point. In our case Dad was entitled to full NHS funding when he went in to care but if he had only been entitled to social funding the council could not sell the house as I was an owner occupier.
If I had still been in London I would have been a joint owner only and under normal circumstances the council could have taken up to half of the proceeds of the sale of the house to fund his care.
Due to the wording of the land certificate I would have not given my consent for a sale or transfer of the house so I am not sure what the council's position would have been in that case.
Another problem which happened with somebody I was acquainted with was his mother left him her half of the house and his father took in a woman and willed the house to her and he died suddenly.
I don't know what happened in the end but obviously the son wanted his share of the proceeds.
All I know is it went to court and the woman continued to live in the house for nearly 2 years and the house was then sold.
Really what should have happened in that case was a legally binding agreement should have been made between the woman and the son saying the woman could live in the property for the rest of her life or until she went in to care in return for the son inheriting all of the property when the woman dies or goes in to care.

HI Brian

This inheritance stuff is a real minefield. It causes so much trouble. I dont feel that my problems are really the inheritance. It is more the amount of people who thought they had a right to make comment and even try to bully me into giving in to their wishes. The fact that my daughters did not tell their partners is why my daughters have to be limited as to what will come their way. I did "earn" the inheritance by devoting years to the care of my parents and enduring a life in a place I do not like. I have spent years fighting with officialdom to try to get help for my dad and me. I just dont think keeping a pair of lazy dole bashers is quite the ticket my parents and other ancestors would approve of.
Hi Duncaring
I can only agree that inheritance is a minefield as you say.
The problem is you can not for see what will happen after the deceased has gone.
I did care for my father and to some extent my in laws but it does not sound if I did as much as you as my in laws were mainly active until the end.
The problem was their relatives only showed interest when they thought there was money in it for them.
In respect of my father I paid for his private health insurance when his money was running out, holidays which we both wanted and I made sure he had good clothes etc.
I also drove him around when his sight did not meet the Road Traffic Acts and we had some enjoyable days out.
It was a bit embarrassing when he went in to hospital as he had been playing up for a time and I overlooked the fact he was down to his last pair of trousers.
Unfortunately my attention was diverted to his tablets etc.
The nurse did realise it was a mistake as she noticed he had some very nice shirts etc which were not brand new but in good condition and he got some trousers the next morning.
Unfortunately when I called the ambulance he was taken to an NHS hospital and he stayed there as the private hospitals do not have facilities to deal with dementia.
One dilemma I faced was Dad's private medical insurance was due to run out and I obtained advice from the nurse at the home and the private hospital and they both said it was unlikely a major operation would be done at that stage and they said I would be wasting my money renewing it.
At the end my father's health insurance had about 6 weeks to run and when the doctor said he was not a candidate for surgery I did mention the insurance in case he meant NHS surgery. The doctor did say he was a BUPA surgeon and could have made some money out of the situation but he would have not been acting in Dad's best interest and the nurse agreed.
At that point we decided it was best to let go.
He did however get some benefit from the health insurance policy as he had a major heart operation 4 years before his death and the claim amounted to £75,000.
What I do remember somebody saying was I had not paid for the operation. BUPA paid for it which was true but it was of no relevance I had paid the premiums.