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Out of carer mode - Carers UK Forum

Out of carer mode

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I've been feeling odd for a few days and I've finally figured out what it is. I am no longer a coiled spring, no longer feel like I must be in constant alert mode waiting for the next crisis. I've still got that grief boulder in my chest but I expect thats going to be around for a long time but the carer stress has gone and it feels like I've lost something. All part of adjusting I suppose Image
I know just what you mean Booksey - I keep thinking I've forgotten to do something or I should be somewhere else - bit like waiting for the other shoe to drop !

As a Carer I was always complaining that the days weren't long enough, that I didn't have any time for me. Now that I have all the time in the world I don't know what to do with it Image

p.s. the boulder will eventually become a pebble and then a grain of sand, but it does take time.
I dont know if either of you feel like I do and not even sure if this will make sense. We talk many times about how carers can sometimes struggle to cope after a death. Not just the grieving process but the sudden amount of time we can have on our hands. Like Booksey said, we adjust.

However, I noticed something last xmas, 5 yrs after mam died. The 'bad' memories - the ones about how she suffered, the extreme pain she as in, the stress we were under, her horrific death and everything relating to her last few yrs - they were getting less and less thought of. In their place was all the happy times, the closeness we shared.

I had cared for mam for over 20 yrs and yet looking back now, it passed by in the blink of an eye. Told you I would not make sense....
It makes perfect sense to me, I am exactly the same. still keep thinking I
should be here , there, forgotten something. then it hits you again, grief, they
are no longer here.
I know what you mean Rosemary. I think less and less of the sad,confused little lady who was my nana just before she died, in my minds eye she is the big buxom lady who looked after me when I was little and my mum was very ill.
When I think of the day hubs died I try to concentrate on the good things from that day. That I got all his siblings together in the same room with out any one arguing. Not the memory of him on the floor with what felt like every Paramedic in Doncaster desperatly working on him We laugh about the volunteer responer who came charging in declaring his name and he was here to help and how crestfallen he looked when he saw he'd been 'beaten to it'. I think your mind has a way of filtering the memories. All part of the grieving process I suppose.
Makes perfect sense Rosemary.Time is a funny thing, seems like it will go on for ever, but suddenly it's all gone, in the blink of an eye and just memories left.
We all cope differently, I can't find the happy times in my head, the memories are there somewhere but won't shine through.
All my love and hugs to you, Booksey.

I'm mostly ok, until I start talking about 'things', then I fall. I'm on the verge constantly, doesn't take much - good memories, not so good memories. Even started crying driving down the A5 back from daughter's this afternoon, I quickly stopped though, bearing in mind I was on a fast road. Wasn't the thought of coming home, it was just because I was leaving daughter's. People, kids, busy busy household etc.
Just thinking loads of you right now and thank the others for their advice and help as usual.
Ohh Nana I wobble frequently whilst driving I've had to start putting a CD on because records on the radio are so unpredictable and can set me off. Had a little one in wicks today whilst trying to explain to a very patient assistant what I wanted I think he thought i was a complete nutter Image
In the earlier stages of grief it's hard to remember the good times. It's all too raw. It takes time to be able to remember the good stuff: one of the problems I had when writing Dad's eulogy just after he died. I had to go through old letters and photos to remind myself. But all I could "see" in my memory was his last few breaths.

First Christmas coming up. Image