Newly bereaved Carer.

[Peter _1905]

Hi,I’ve been a Carer for 15 years. My Dad died in 2010,so since then the sole focus of my entire life has been my Mum. She died one month ago. The time afterwards was telling people and organising the funeral. I spoke to lots of people. Now the funeral has happened,there is silence. No phone calls or anything. I feel completely alone. My sister contacts me regularly and I’ve been to her house several times. But other than that,nothing. I feel empty and I can’t think straight. I know this is probably natural,but I’d like to come on the forum and make contact with others who’ve been in the same situation. Just to see if there are any practical measures to take, or is it just a matter of time? I feel guilty that I can now do ‘normal’ things like go out when I want. It’s not good.
Peter.

[Melly1]

Peter,

I am sorry for your loss. I don't have experience of this, but others on here do and they will be along to offer advice an support. The forum is often quieter at weekends.

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

Hi Peter,
I lost my husband, suddenly, in 2006. I've built a new life now, but it's been difficult. We met when I was 16, married when I was 19, travelled the world together, worked together, played together. EVERYTHING changed literally overnight.
I would recommend a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff, mainly aimed at divorcees, but so relevant to our situation too. It's really easy to read, you can just dip in and out of it.
Are you OK as far as housing is concerned?
Money sorted?
Try to avoid any major decisions if possible for at least a year, ideally two.
I decided that I must go out every day, even if that was shopping somewhere other than my home town, to avoid pity, or even worse, seeing people cross the road when they saw me as they just didn't know what to say to me!
When did you last have a holiday?

[susieq]

Hello Peter

I am sorry for the loss of your dear Mum.

I do know how you feel - after my Mum died in 2012 and when the dust died down after her funeral suddenly there was no-one who "needed" me. I'm single with no children so had time on my hands that I didn't know what to do with.

I decided that my caring experience meant that I could offer my services as a volunteer with a number of different organisations. I eventually ended up volunteering with Cats Protection as a Cat Care Assistant in our local rehoming centre (I'm one of the original mad cat ladies !) and I also volunteer as a retail assistant in one of our local hospice charity shops

Both roles get me out and about with a purpose plus I get to meet lots of lovely people to have a natter and a laugh with - the Covid pandemic did put a stop to both roles for a while but I'm glad to say that I'm back doing "my bit".

I did think about doing an Adult Learning course of some kind, but at 74 didn't really feel up to going back to school But maybe you have a hobby or an interest that you'd like to take further - perhaps you could look into signing up for something; at the very least it would give you the opportunity to meet people and maybe make new friends ?

But above all - DITCH THE GUILT ! You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, you should be proud that you did your very best for your parents.

[Pet66]

Hi Peter
I lost my husband May 2019 after he had suffered strokes vascular dementia and other health issues. He was in a nursing home. I visited regularly. I still felt very alone and brain fogged when he died even though he hadn't lived at home for 3½ years. I've learned to cope. Done and do things I never had to as my hubby and myself had our roles. Never thought I would.
It takes time but eventually you will adjust. I'm sure your Mother would not want you to feel guilty at getting on with your life. One day at a time with baby steps. Any idea of what you would like to do? Hobby you gave up to be a carer?

[Peter _1905]

Peter,

I am sorry for your loss. I don't have experience of this, but others on here do and they will be along to offer advice an support. The forum is often quieter at weekends.

Melly1

Hello. Many thanks for your reply, I’ve seen a few replies. People are very kind. I’m going to reply to them now.

[ontheverge]

Hi Peter,

So sorry for your loss.

When my Dad died, Mum was promised by her siblings and nephews and nieces that they would be there for her whatever. It never happened. They all disappeared into the ether.

After he died, Mum and I (who were his unpaid carers) had nothing to do no. No diva like demands. No telling's off. No nothing. We didn't know what to do. Mum finally had some freedom but she was completely lost. I landed a secondment in a different team so that kind of took up some of my time.

Do you have any hobbies or any friends you could get back in touch with? Don't rush anything. You will have days when you will be so sad and upset but there will come a time when you won't think about your Mum everyday. Think about all the good times you had with her and cherish those.

Good luck.