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6 months on and it's so hard - Carers UK Forum

6 months on and it's so hard

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I lost my Mum almost 6 months ago, I feel it's getting harder not easier, I could cry many times a day. Being in lock down, maybe means I have more time to think - when I'm at work I can put it away. I just want to be able to celebrate my memories of her and not constantly feel guilty and like I didn't do enough. I also feel guilty as so many are struggling with COVID and vastly more difficult issues at the moment and maybe I should be able to move on - but I can't. No one else was close with my mum so I feel as if I'm the only one who even cares. I'm on the waiting list for talking therapy, but obviously that's on hold for the moment.
How long does it take for people to feel "normal"?
Amy,
I was widowed in 2006, and joined an online forum for widows called Way Up. We all found that the six month stage was the worst of all, all the practical stuff has bene done, and then finally realising this is how it's going to be from now on.

Please be kind to yourself, it's perfectly normal to feel really rough at the six month stage. Normally I'd suggest taking a break for a few days, not a holiday as such, but time to be away from home, alone, when you can chill out and allow your brain to process things, and think about what you would like to do in your "new life".

As you can't do that, try to have a "holiday at home". Long baths, staying in bed with a good book, etc. etc.
On average, it's 2 years before you start feeling 'normal' again. This varies for different people and also depends on how close you were to the person who has passed away. When I lost my Mum, it took about a year before I could get through most of the day without crying/pain. I still have random bouts of crying, every now and again- it's now nearly 3 years since she died.

Everyone grieves in different ways- it's a good thing that you are letting it out. I dare say that the months where you were working and 'locking it away' are the reason why it feels like it's hit you harder now- burying the grief almost certainly makes it come back tenfold later down the line. Lockdown is definitely contributing to how you're feeling because you're having to get used to another change, in the midst of getting used to living without your Mum. It's a lot for anyone to deal with! So, be kind to yourself :) These things take time, but it will get better.

Guilt is one of the hardest things to overcome- we all beat ourselves up, thinking we could have done more for the one we love. You're only human and humans make mistakes all the time. Nobody is perfect and you should not focus on what else you could have done, but focus on all the things you DID do. I bet you'll surprise yourself with how much you've actually done :)