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my husband and soulmate has died - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

my husband and soulmate has died

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Thank you for letting us know about John`s send off. I have a "woodland breeze" candle which will burn on Monday 19th especially for him, and if we are blessed with a frosty night the brightest star in the sky at bedtime will be your beloved John.

I hope you are coping well Helen, with hopefully good support.

Take care
Thank you for letting us know Helen.
Will be thinking of you and your family xx
Thank you so much for all your hugs and prayers.

We said goodbye to my lovely John yesterday and whilst a sad occasion we also laughed and I hope conveyed to everyone there the essence of John. He was the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met and also the untidiest!! What I would give now for an untidy house and one of his " all the way round cuddles".

Gradually the shock of the last 6 months is wearing off - we had hardly had time to hear the words " I am afraid you have cancer " before the rollercoaster ride started. But it was time for him to go - his quality of life was not good and when they were preparing to put in the syringe driver he said to me " let me go ". So we did with love and yes sadness too.

Until I became John's carer I thought I knew what that word meant - but I was wrong, so wrong. I know I cared for him the best way I could and I am sure there were more things I could have done, and some things I could have done better, but I am not going to beat myself up about that.

Christmas is the next hurdle.....the first big " first" withput John. Bless you my darling. xx
but I am not going to beat myself up about that
Good girl. We do the best we can and that's all anyone can ask.

Hello there,
I’m adding to this thread a little late, but still wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss ..

What you said about firsts really struck a chord with me, specially at Christmas time .. I wanted to ignore that 'first' altogether last year, but .. what made most sense to me, and helped such a lot was .. Each first is a step forward though. The more of them you put behind you, the less you have to face.

Thinking about you Helen, take care xx
Thank you for all your caring posts.

It has been such a difficult week. Since the funeral on Mon 19th I feel as htough I have been hit by a train that has left me with a permanent physical ache. I know that it will feel like this for as long as it does but I miss John so much it hurts.

There is all the paperwork and organisations to deal with....normally I am very organised but it is too much trouble.

Well hope you all have the best Christmas you can and that 2012 brings what you would wish for yourselves.

Love and (((((((hugs))))))
Helen xxxx
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Hello Helen,

I know exactly how you feel. I couldn`t decide if my heart was going to burst or my ribs crack first after mum died. I had been on automatic pilot for so long it was like someone switching off the helecoptor engine and it plunged into freefall.

I am sure there is nothing in the paperwork pile which needs your immediate attention, but I did find it helpful to keep everything together in a wallet folder and set aside an amount of time each week (or day) when that folder was prioritised and dealt with.

Here in Scotland the registrar hands out a booklet with all the things to remember to do with a checklist at the back to mark jobs done as you go along. I found this very helpful and the scanner copier printer was the best investment ever made as everyone seems to want the same information all at the same time.

I will be thinking about you tomorrow, and next Friday when I tackle the folder in the kitchen for the last time this year....(you see, the folder is neverending)... I will think of you fondly again.

Take care
Helen - just passing though to say Hello and let you know that we have been thinking of you. I'm sure Christmas wasn't easy for you. Take care.

Bell x

Today has been such a dificult day. I find myself not wanting to be with people and at th mopment that is very difficult.

Last Monday I had a phone call from a neighbour of my mum's who lives 100 miles away from me as she was not well. My sister and i came up to see her and i have been here since. Mum was diagnosed with stomach cancer two and a half years ago and is becoming more and more frail. She was 85 yesterday.

I can feel myself being pulled into the role of carer again and it just twists the knife after John's death.

It sounds selfish but we have lots of unresolved issues between us and i juist do not know if I can go through this again so soon. My sister does all she can but she has to work and has 2 daughters.
Hi Xstitchgirl

I can understand how you feel. My ex husband but very good friend died in April. He had been carer to his mum despite being one of eight children and two sisters were nurses. When he became ill with cancer he just went away got himself a sheltered house and eventually got himself into a Hospice. I have been my dad's carer for the last 18 years more so in the last 11 years and very intensively for the last 3 years. My dad died a week ago. As a result of me being a carer I have told my kids get me a nice wee home somewhere and give them the scare tactics every so often so that I am well treated. My ex husband went off on his own to face his illness and die.

Being a carer is the hardest job in the world, or so I found, and if anything was to happen to either of my kids, I dont have anyone older, I hope I would have the courage to step up but it would be very very hard to go back into those shoes again. I also found that in the last 6 months I was at the very brink of my abilities to cope with a "job" which was not what I had ever trained for and which I would not have chosen. I would rather work on the bin lorries than be a nurse or carer. I would seriously consider a Care Home. I know a lot of carers are against them but what I found was that at the times when my dad was in hospital I could go to see him and talk to him. I did not have to do anything but I did give him drinks and put his creams on because I wanted to. I was more relaxed and able to visit than I was when I was rushing around trying to run 2 houses and do the "job" I had not planned to have.

I think it is wise and brave to know when it is all too much.

Wishing you luck

Little Lamb