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I don't think I can cope without mum - Carers UK Forum

I don't think I can cope without mum

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I have been caring for my mum while living with her for the past 9 years but she died on Monday. At first I was ok but now I just can't cope with it. It was the first day that I hadn't visited my mum in hospital, because I have flu and now I feel like I have let her down. Everybody around me is matter of fact and saying it had to happen some time but I just feel so alone. I haven't got children and I haven't got a partner. I have 2 sisters but they didn't care for her and one lives along way away. My mum didn't write a will and my sisters "want their third" of everything but I am going to have nowhere to live. I know my mum wanted me to carry on living in the house but she never thought that the end was going to come so she kept putting off making a will. My sisters have started filling in all the probate paperwork already and arranging for somebody to value the house but I just can't bear it at the moment. I know that once the funeral is over, I will be abandoned again because everybody will just go home and get on with their normal lives.

I don't think I can cope without my mum. I know she is better off now because she isn't suffering and I am just being selfish but I miss her and can't imagine the rest of my life without her. To be honest, I just feel like ending it all at the moment. I never really got over the death of my dad and that was 9 years ago, but now have both gone I don't know what I will do.
Hi Ringty,

First of all please accept our deepest sympathy on your loss.Its times like this when we feel so raw and need that extra comfort so I am glad that you felt you could come to us.Come online as much as you feel able,always someone around to lend an ear.

The time of release is something we have no control over but please dont think for one minute you let your mam down.You told us you have cared the last 9 years.Thats a long time and you have done it alone by all accounts.You have done more for mam than anyone else and can be proud of that fact.

Regarding your sisters you will need take legal advice as soon as you feel able so you know exactly where you stand.

Your local Citizens advice can help,also Carersline may be able to.Their phone no is

Telephone 0808 808 7777

Open Wednesday and Thursday 10am-12pm and 2pm-4pm

Reading how to cope is probably the last thing on your mind but please save these links for later ...

http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Whe ... persondies

http://www.carersuk.org/Information/Whe ... ftercaring

I dont want to bombard you with too much to read right now but there are several organisations that can help for bereavement.Just say at any time if you want them and I or someone else will post them here for you.
Your GP will be able to help too.

Are you still in employment? I know from previous postings you were having difficulties, but if you are, your Personnel Manager will be able to help with that side of things.

We are here for you always so dont feel you are alone.

Be strong Ringty and lean on us as much as you want.We will support you now and in the weeks ahead.

x x x x x

dear Ringty, I am so sorry about your Mum. Please don't feel that you let her down, because you didn't, you did everything and more that she could wish for.
Rosemary, as usual, has given some excellent advice and we are here for you,
Keep strong (((((hug)))))
Hi Ringty,

My sympathy is with you at this very sad time. I lost my mum two years ago and still wish I could have done more to help her. The system failed her miserably, but life goes on and you need to be strong.

Life may not seem worth living at this moment, but given time things will become tolerable. There is a whole new adventure out there for you, if you just accept the challenge.

Take a day at a time.

Take care
Dear Ringty,

So sorry to hear about your mum's death. I lost my mum a year ago and still miss her dreadfully. Time has helped though as I hope it will for you.

I'm sure your mum appreciated all the care you gave her. Don't forget that flu really takes it out of you and try to look after yourself over the coming days and do not be rushed into anything by your sisters - you looked after your/their mum for 9 years so they should have the grace to consider you now.

Thinking of you.

Rintyg, I'm sorry you're going through all this at the moment, so soon after your mum's death. I know you don't really need more pressure right now but you need legal advice, quickly.

If probate passes and all 3 of you are entitled to a share (and there is no one else) the fight will be over what has been your home for at least the last 9 years and your sisters may find that they cannot make you homeless - but you need legal advice about this. Most solicitors will give you one session of advice, which may well be enough to clear this up, with luck.
Thanks for all of your replies. I know that there must be people out there who have gone through the same as I have but I just feel so alone. I can't even bear to talk about my mum at the moment, whereas my sisters are talking about what she liked, her favourite songs and are looking at photos etc. I can't do that and as soon as anybody talks about her, that is when I break down. I know I am being selfish because mum isn't suffering anymore but I miss her so much. At times I feel quite normal, as if she is still in hospital and I can cope but then a sudden wave of panic comes over me.

I know time is a great healer but I am even feeling panic about next Christmas and my birthday and the fact that there won't be anybody to write a nice message in a card any more or give me little presents. I know it's pathetic but I can't help it.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. It is reassuring to know that there are people out there to offer me advice and help.
Morning Rintyg,

Grieving is a personal thing and we all do it so differently.Dont expect too much of yourself so soon.You cared for mam for such a long time that not only are you grieving but if you are anything like myself and others who have been through this,one of the hardest things to cope with was Time.Even when busy with arrangements we felt that something was missing,that we should be doing something.
Being able to talk about your mam will come in time but at your pace,noone elses.You are NOT being selfish,you are being a loving daughter who misses her mam.There are so many here who can relate to what you said about the 1st events after a death,birthdays,anniversaries etc and I wont sit here and tell you any lies,they can be hard to cope with but we do cope and in time they do get easier.

When is your birthday Ringty,you can share it with us so you're not alone.I know not the same but the members here will all give their best wishes when the time comes.

If you feel the need to talk, take a look at these links....

Cruse Bereavement Care
Helpline 0870 167 1677

Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 www.samaritans.org.uk

Thinking of you
x x x x

good morning from me too rintyg

my heart goes out to you; you have given so much and now have your grief to deal with as well as difficult family to cope with.

i cannot add anything more to what others have said, especially rosemary. but don't think that calling samaratans is a last resort; call them as they will understand your grief and fears and will talk with you - and you need a sympathetic ear right now.

you are in my thoughts rintyg
Hi Ringty just wanted to say how sorry l am to hear of your mum but dont ever feel that you let your mum down there is always guilt and feelings of l could have done more after someone we love passes away and everybody deals with it in their own way dont let the way your sisters are behaving and dealing with it make you think you are wrong and they are rigth its just that we are all different l was different when my Dad passed away l had my daughter to care for who is disabled on top of all your grief you also have your family to deal with so it cant be easy and this wont allow you to grieve either as there is much going on roundabout you just know that everyone is thinkin about you and we are here if you need us
l hope you find the solace you are looking for and in time can remember your mum and laugh and remember all the good times which l am sure there where many
Just dont lose hope
take care