Loss of a caree partner

[Booksey]

Not quite sure about that title

On the 8th of September last year the man I'd shared my life with for the past 23 years since I was 21 passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a pulmonary embolism. He had had deteriorating health for the past 10 years but none of the things he'd suffered from actually killed him which makes me contemplate lots of questions (usually in the middle of the night).
So here I am 4.5 months later. On my own, putting one foot in front of the other trying to walk along this journey as one person not as a part of something. Its mighty lonely and very scary. Its not just grief for him but for me too, for that life I had, for the future I thought I was going to have.
But I am determined to meet it head on because there is no other choice really is there?

[Myrtle]

Booksey, if you think of a better/different title that you'd rather have, let us know and we'll change it for you.

[NanaNana]

When losing your caree makes you a widow/widower
Loss of a caree partner

Just suggesting.

This thread could be just what some of us need. It cannot be compared with anything else, I feel in quite the same way.
As one of the younger, may I say, members on this site, to become a widow I feel that there is such a long drawn-out road to go down by myself. Yes, it's scary and so lonely, but it's the amount of time, looking ahead, that is frightening. Ok, we all may meet someone else, start a new life etc etc etc, but how scary is that and what would we do if it happened? One day at a time is fine right now, that it's so new to me (since 8th November), but one day is the same as another and routine isn't comforting at all, it's boring. I can't sit down for more than an hour, without getting up and doing something. I was 'relaxing' with a cup of hot choc and some late lunch (been showing a friend around again) and have just got 'itchy feet', got up and come out here. TV programme is still on which I've been watching. Time to relax and take things easy, now that my caring days have come to a halt? No! Can't do it, how do I?

[Booksey]

I can't sit still either. Whilst i'm no longer in that hyped carer mode I was in before I struggle to do nothing, even reading which is a passion and has always been an escape from life is difficult.

I also see an endless stretch of oneness in front of me and it doesn't matter how your life changes and how fulfilled it is not being the centre of someones world makes yours very lonely

Loss of a caree partner

I think this would be better perhaps those nice mods would change it for me.

[Kay]

As you know, my change in status (I'm struggling with the 'w' word) is extremely new and I'm still trying to work out what happened. But I can relate to every thing you've all written, you've described most of the feelings and experiences I'm also having.

Today is the day after my hubbie's funeral and time for my brother to return home, a 3 hour drive away from me. This left me feeling very empty and very lonely. I then start feeling really angry that I've got all this time and can't be with the one person who can always make every thing feel better. I feel angry that I must go through this horrendous experience on my own and that my hubbie isn't here for me to discuss things with and help work things out together. I feel angry that I've ended up in our new home without him - which is in an area I never wanted to live in. I feel terrified of the years that I may have ahead of me without him and the prospect of days that I don't know what to do with.

[Booksey]

Kay I also struggle with the w word.

I don't know if this will help anyone I've found a couple of 'widows sites' although to be honest a lot of them don't help me (they make me feel I'm not grief striken enough)
This ones not too bad and does have some good advice on the main site.
http://www.merrywidow.me.uk/index.asp

I also decided that I have to build some kind of social life DD isn't always going to be at home and I need adult company. Being a carer meant I had no outside hobbies or people to talk to and when hubs was well it was just us two doing everything together.
So far I've joined a book club which wasn't so bad. I've also joined WAY although the nearest group is in Sheffield which is over 20 miles away but I'm going to try and get to their next meeting.

but its a terrible struggle to make any sort of plans

[NanaNana]

I can't really think or call myself that either. But don't know what else to call myself. To my way of thinking, I've not stopped being married - I'm still married, aren't I? Mark is still my husband, he's not stopped. I talk in terms of 'we', what's changed?
After all the family and friends have left for home and you're by yourself, it's a huge hole. We do try to keep in touch, but when family ring (or the Aussies Skype), it's nothing but tears and then when phone calls are finished, I feel bad, cos they're returning to their family lives and I just put the phone down and continue with my nothing-ness. Radio's a good help, some noise at least and someone talking.
It's the lack of talking here which is the worst.

[NanaNana]

Dancing re-starts on Friday morning. Might have a try at getting back into that again. Not my normal Thursday group, but one I used to attend sometimes, so I know everyone there and same teacher anyway. And it's in the middle of town, so might get a lunch treat too, afterwards? Good excuse, says nananana.

I chucked out a load of paperwork this afternoon and feel better. I don't need wheelchair manuals and hoist repair invoices now, do I?

It's a good thing to join a club, Booksey and I'm going to have a look at that WAY thing too. On computer is it?

[Booksey]

Way do have an online bit although their forum is not so good, apparently most belong long to the closed facebook group. I don't do facebook so thats no good for me.

I had a big paper work clear out the other week it was hard to get started but I felt really chuffed with myself when I'd done it. The shredder was begging for a rest though

Made and appointment today to get my will, poa and daughters guardians sorted out so when thats done next week its another thing off my list.

I have ordered curtains & bedding for my new room just about to order a mattress for the bed and going to look at carpets tomorrow. Then there will be no excuse to be not sleeping in a bedroom. Part of me really doesn't want to but I can't sleep down here for ever

PS thanks for changing thr title mods

[Myrtle]

You're welcome Booksey