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looking for former carers to share their experiences - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

looking for former carers to share their experiences

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
There was little enough support for me when I was a carer so I wasn't really expecting anything when it ended. I've found I've got far to much time on my hands and no inclination to do any thing with it.

Lack of sleep was a big issue when I was a carer and it still is now although for different reasons.

Lello I've got a problem with one of my SIL a bit like yours shes been telling people that her brother died because no one cared enough..... Image . I know this is guilt talking I know everyone did everything they could for him. Maybe if she'd have spent more time with him she would have realised this
hello booksey,
Sounds like you're right about your SIL - awful thing to be saying. I'm having the sleep problem too, ironic when you've spent years dreaming of getting more sleep Image It's very hard to get motivated for anything, whether it's stuff I should be doing or that |used to enjoy doing, but I hope that will wear off some time. Hope today's been an ok one for you xx
I've just lost my hubbie last week. You've all described how it feels so accurately that I can only agree whole-heartedly. After spending so much time day dreaming about the things I'd like to do, if I had the time, I feel guilty that I had those thoughts, guilty that I now have the time and guilty that I'm still here and he's not. I feel guilty that I'm not crying all the time and I feel guilty that I'm sure there must have been some thing else I could have done to prevent this.

I go from lacking energy/motivation, to feeling sad and upset, through to feeling nothing at all.

My hubbie's family are very supportive and regularly check how I am. I can't believe he's no longer with me and that at the age of 42, I could face the equivalent of a life sentence without him.

I stay awake until I'm so tired that I drop off to sleep - on the couch, because I can't face sleeping in our bed. Then worry that when I do sleep, I'm beginning to have bad dreams.

I've lost the best thing I've ever had. A very special, wonderful and loving husband & father. Life is so cruel. I have no idea how to manage without him. I try to cope with every thing in small chunks, not checking on the time unless I have to and just keeping busy with funeral arrangements etc. I only seem to have the energy for that because I want to make sure that the service is as he would want.
Hello Kay,
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doing what you need to for now, taking one step at a time. Although planning a funeral is so sad, it gives you a chance to do something else for your husband, and something to focus on. Please don't have guilty feelings - I know just what you mean, but it wouldn't be human not to wish for some respite when caring for someone, it's so intensively stressful. I'm glad your husband's family are supportive, let yourself be looked after for a while.
My sympathy and thoughts are with you. I'm sure others will soon be replying to your post and offering support.
Lesley xxxxx
Kay I am so sorry for your loss

Everything your feeling is normal, just do what you need to do, try and eat and get a bit of fresh air if possible.
Its 18 weeks on saturday since my hubby died I always think I should cry more but then everyone is different. Keep talking to us it does help

Take care Booksey
I too, didn't cry much in the begining, certainly not at funeral at end of November. Apart from the awful Christmas, it's only now. Now that everyone's gone home and everything's so quiet, that I cry enormously. I talk all the time, ask hubby where things are if I've mislaid anything, wish him good morning and goodnight etc. It feels strange, because he was apologising to me, for wanting to give up and not carry on any more, he made that decision knowing all the consequences that it'd leave me with and he was apologising to me. I feel guilty that he felt he had to do that, saying sorry that he wanted to go. He had nothing to say sorry to me for.
All we can do, there's a group of us in the same boat recently on here, I feel, is take one day at a time. Make sure you write everything down that you have to do (because I'm floating all the time, I have to look at the diary/calendar to see what day it is). It doesn't matter how small or silly you think it is, write it down to remind yourself, cos you certainly won't be thinking straight if at all. Concentration is next to nil and 'floating' is the only way I can describe it.
I'm not far from your age, I'm 53 and feel that this is my life now, alone by myself.
It's early, early times for all of us, when things have quietened down for you, the tears will come and you shouldn't stop them - I don't and I don't care where I am or when it happens. You don't have to be strong, remember that.
Love and hugs again.
Almost seven years since my mum passed away and I still have my weepy moments about something she would have enjoyed sharing.........usually in the Co-op shop, but they all know me and have learned not to be kind to me as it makes me worse.........how sad is that?xx
Poppett - talking of the co-op reminded me that several of the assistants at my local co-op had looked after parents and many of them remembered my dad from when he was able to shop for himself. I've been dreading seeing any of them cos I know they'll ask after him and I don't want a melt down in the co-op but what does it matter really.
My mum died 13 years ago, and I used to cry in the car every day going home after seeing dad, but held it all in while I was with him so as not to upset him. Now he's gone I feel like all my grief over mum is coming out too. There shouldn't be any rules about mourning, we are all different, but unfortunately not everyone is understanding. Their failing, not ours.
Nananana, it's so much worse when everyone seems to 'go back to normal', when you haven't a 'normal' to return to. Wish people would realise that bereaved people don't only need support up till the funeral. I don't think crying is a bad thing at all, it's meant for us to relieve stress and that's why we have the ability to cry. It's just that culturally we're not expected to cry in public, though I think that's ending with our generation.
love and hugs, Lesley xx
Thank you for your comments and advice - you help me tremendously, knowing that what I'm feeling is normal is very reassuring. I know what you mean about the prospect of being alone - I will never want anyone else but to be without my gorgeous husband for so long feels worse than anything.

I am beginning to feel the physical things you mention, having not realised what it was. Headaches, nausea, dizziness, cramps. All things I thought were to do with feeling my loss. I feel so empty and will miss him forever. I too talk to him, ask him questions and even feel he still holds my hand while I walk.

I was doing a little part time work and they've left a message to say they've put me on compassionate leave. I'm not at all sure that I want to return to that job (I fear it is where I may have passed an infection on to him recently - not good memories) or whether I can work or if I can, when that will be. I know this is the last thing to concern myself with, but I am a worrier and it's something else I also worry about.
Kay, please don't give up your job at the moment. I worked for my OH so when he died I didn't have any support system from work colleagues to fall back on, it would have helped so much, and it would have made building a new life much easier too - however much you don't want to at the moment, it really is important for your future well being, as well as your bank account. You have a lot of living to do yet. No one will expect you to be singing and dancing when you go in to work for the first time, You can even say in advance that you might have to just disappear now and then to regain your composure, I'm sure they will understand - a policy I adopted at any event I was invited to, it worked well. Allow people you work with or know to share your sorrow with you, what has happened to you will be their worst nightmare too. So many friends of ours changed their lives slightly when my OH died, two got married, two couples gave up wanting material things in favour of holidays together etc.etc. It's OK to feel lethargic by the way, it's your body telling you that it's finding everything just too stressful to cope with, so take more rest.