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looking for former carers to share their experiences - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

looking for former carers to share their experiences

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Kay I wasn't working when hubs died having finshed look after him. Over christmas I did find a temporary job and whilst I didn't particularly enjoy it I found it helped to get out of the house and think about some thing else for a few hours each day. Now I'm at home and looking for another job but I am dealing with lots of stuff I just couldn't deal with before.

maybe we should start a widowed carers thread, I know losing your caree is a terrible event for everyone but when that person is also your other half it is difficult especially with all the issues that being your partners carer brings.
Booksey - I think that'd be a good idea.
Booksey, I think getting work at Xmas time is a very good idea. I'd say anything that keeps us busy at that time of year will be a massive bonus.

I think a thread for carers of partners/husbands/wives is also a good idea. There is so much to go through on a daily basis just to get from morning to night.

If there was a seperate thread for losing a partner/husband and another for losing caree I would have to sign up to both. I lost both within 8 months but because I was still being a carer the full emotional hit did not come until I was no longer a carer. It then caught up with me that I had lost my everyone. When I started looking through things at my parents' house I found that my mum's things had been left as exactly as they were the day she went into hospital and didnt come back. That was 10 years earlier. When I had no support from the people I had always depended on, both parents and husband, I had to face up to the loss of them all. I didnt get any support from my family which is just as expected. The loss is what the bereavement is not the who the person was/is to us. It is the struggle to find a new life for ourselves without the person we lost.

Duncaring, you're so right in how you describe it. That must have been horrendous. The majority of My family have avoided supporting me which has made the last 3 years even harder - feeling hurt and resentful that they couldn't find it within themselves to help me. It's the only time in my life that I've felt I needed support and after a lifetime of supporting them, abandonment was such a shock. I'm beginning to build bridges with my sister, although it will be a while before I can forgive that I also lost out on seeing her children grow up in their early years, as well as everything else. I avoid my mother as she just annoys me right now and I'm told she is beginning to realise the impact she has had on me.

I think I began grieving 3 years ago - for the man I felt I had already lost pieces of due to his condition. Although I did come to terms with this, I feel so angry that I've been robbed of my darling husband at such a young age and the fact that I know face longer on my own than we will have had time together. I know it's only early days but I have no idea what to do and feel guilty of even trying to manage without him. I wish that being married meant that you went at the same time.

Tomorrow is the funeral. The 2nd worst event in my life. I'm terrified about the whole thing. Keeping myself busy with all the preparations and resenting that the day will make me face up to more of this horrible situation. And the fear of how that will affect me.

I miss him so much and it happened so quickly, I just can't believe he isn't coming back through the door.

Trying to make some positive out of this nightmare, I'm setting up a Facebook page and I'm gonna try raising money for charity in support of research and support. I would really really like to help make sure that these things can be prevented in the future and that other families can avoid this happening to them. Out of all my family, I do have a fantastic brother who is coming to stay today - he's helping me through tomorrow. I love him so much and don't know how I'd get through this without him - particularly in light of local family members as mentioned above. He's into marathons and has suggested we do a half marathon later in the year! Argggh! Didn't expect that! I'll have a think about that one - not sure if I'm upto committing so much so soon re: training etc.
Duncaring, I think that is part of the reason I have not been able to grieve completely for my son. I am still a Carer for my husband and elder son. It is the loss itself which knocks the ground from under my feet.
Thoughts are with you Kay, for tomorrow.
I walked with my son supporting me and couldn't/didn't look at anyone else, cos they'll all turn round to look at your hubby and you (just like on wedding days). I just couldn't look at any of them until the service was over. So, lovely son said, hold onto me and just keep walking with me and keep looking at hubby straight ahead.
I felt comfortable doing this and much easier.
Just a little tip from me.

Love to you.
i have only just come across this.As a Carer Ambassador-E Midlands, this topic has very much come up.If as estimated 1 in 10 people are Carers, I think it is important to get support and also ex Carers-like me- can help those who are still caring. GP Practices are being encouraged to have PPGs ie Patient Participation Groups.There must be a Carer or ex Carer there to explain what they need as a patient who is a Carer or exCarer.I have come across a few GP practices, who have started a monthly Coffee morning for Carers and there could be that, or another one for ex Carers to support each other.
Get your GP practice Manager to have a Carer Lead, a Register of Carers/exCarers and see if you can set up a coffee morning.They often have a group for Exercise, why not for you! just to chat to some one who has been through it, too, does help.When you are caring you just get on with it and it is difficult to readjust.It is 4 years for me now!
Bridget Leech
i cared for my mum for 11yrs,she had parkinsons and copd,mum died on jan 13th at first i felt relief as things were getting pretty tough,and was happy that she was no longer suffering but now some weeks later i feel completly lost,i dont know what to do with all the spare time, and the money worries are huge,mum help us with household bill and such and that stopped the day she died she had no money in savings,but had already paid for her funereal,i recieved carers for 7 weeks after so then thinking as my ni contrbutions were paid i would be able to claim jobseekers untill i could find work,how wrong i was ,not intitled to anything as my hubby earns £250 a week in wages as far as benifits are concerned that is enough for a married couple to live on this only adds to the pain you are going through,i feel that now i have been chucked on the scrapheap,the only jobs around at the min are carers jobs which the job centre cant understand why am not interested,it really is time this goverment gave carers some thought and compasion,before and after caring.
I agree with you absolutely. I lost my dad last October after caring for him for 13 years.
It's very early days for you still, and a lot of people on this part of the forum will understand how you are feeling. It's so difficult to adjust, and financial problems just make it all worse. I received income support on the grounds of incapacity benefit while I was looking after my dad. When he died I assumed I would lose CA but income support wouldn't be affected, but it was all stopped (they didn't tell me reason till 6 weeks after they stopped it). Apparently when I started to receive CA they stopped my claim in my own right, so I had to re-apply and now it's ESA, had weeks with no income while getting ESA application sorted. I had to give up work and move in with my dad for the last 3 years when he needed 24/7 care, now I'm struggling to pay the bills. You are right that carers aren't recognised properly, there seems to be no help trying to sort your life out again, after putting so much on hold for so long.
It's really insensitive of jobcentre to expect you to work as a carer now, I know a few people who have done that, but it's not right for everyone and certainly not so soon after losing your mum.
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, it's always awful to lose your mum, you shouldn't have these problems to deal with too. Wish the government had an idea what it's like for carers and their families, they have no clue.
best wishes, Lesley xx