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Life falling apart - Carers UK Forum

Life falling apart

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello x
Ive not posted before but i spent many hours reading all your good and kind advice over the last 2 years caring for my dear dad who had dementia - you guys kept me sane in many dark moments, thankyou.
Dad died in February. I miss him so very much he was my rock. I lived with him when he got unable to care for himself moving 400miles from Scotland back to Somerset. I had been back previously when he was first diagnosed but only for 8months as he was managing and my daughter Jess in Scotland had been diagnosed with a degenerative eye condition (hopefully surgery soon that will let her keep her sight).
So now back in Scotland - a place I love. I am staying with my daughter and her boyfriend and I am making her life a misery - though she never says it.
When I first got back after Dads funeral, clearing and selling the family home (heartbreaking)I was ok - I kept busy applying for jobs, helping Jess with the dogs/chickens/housework/gardening/decorating and I was ok. I had to give up work to return to Somerset and getting a new job was tough. I got an office job eventually the interview was in May and start date in July - then the start date was delayed til August.
I lasted 3 weeks - It wasnt a nice place to work and I had a panic attack and got sent home.
The next day i couldnt even get on the bus to get there - Eventually got Dr appointment and was given antidepressants and anxiety meds that i had to stop after a week cause of horrible side effects. I feel terrible - I am frightened of everthing , my heart rate keeps me awake all night , im feeling / being sick most of the day, im scared to leave the house , im crying all the time, everyday is spent in panic - and i dont know what to do any more. I feel that my life has no purpose any more.
My siblings and Mum (separated from dad 25years ago) no longer speak to me because dads will lets me use some of money from estate to get somewhere to live - not that i knew that was what he wanted and they are trying to stop this. I would rather have dad back than any amount of money. So im now lonely, penniless, Jobless and cant see away forward at all.
I am sorry to be so doom and gloom - im not usually - I normally get on with things- it just feels all the life has been sucked out of me. Just wondering if any of you have ever felt the same and if you can get back to being yourself? Thank you and much love.
Hi Alison
I think lots of ex-carers go through something similar. So much has changed for you, bereavement of a loved one, loss of home, job and a family feud too. No wonder your feeling low.
Best go back to GP to change meds and ask be referred for counselling, or try Cruse or local carers group
Things will get better but do accept what help is offered and be kind to yourself
Xx MrsA
Hi Alison

I didn't want your post to slip by with no one answering you. Sorry to hear how down you are feeling about things at the moment. Drs do like to dish out anti depressants, when there's really no reason why it isn't quite normal to feel sad and low after bereavement especially someone you have been caring for and close to all your life.
Perhaps you could try some bereavement councselling- Cruise I think is the name of the service.
As for jobs, it wasn't the right one for you and you are probably best off out of it than staying and suffering int he wrong place for ages. Try and think of it as new beginnings- what do you actualy WANT to do not thing you should be doing?
You mentioned dog walking- could you do some fostering or dog sitting? If you like decorating how about property development if you have a little nest egg.
Stop beating yourself up about hating a horrible place to work and be thankful ayou are in a position to make some choices in life when the time feels right for you.

Edited- cross posted with Mrs A but thinking along the same lines :D
Alison, you sound pretty traumatised to me - bereavement is a very, very hard burden to bear. And grief has no timetable. You aren't even a 'year out' from losing your dad, so please, please don't expect too much yet. This time NEXT year you will have started to move into this next phase of your life - right now you're in something of a limbo I think, not quite ready to 'part' with the past (though it will always live in your heart, never fear it won't), but not quite ready to move on.

What would your dad want for you? You mention that his will ensures you are not homeless (and this is your RIGHT - he WANTED you to have that money, and it made him feel better about you looking after him, and about leaving you as he did....), so he clearly wanted you to go on and have a good life for yourself.

You say you feel your life has no purpose. Many carers feel that once their caree has died - they feel 'adrift'. One thought is to go on caring - volunteering for others, or perhaps taking in rescue dogs/cats? Your caring nature has been nurtured and honed, and it would be a tribute to your father if you now used it for the benefit of others.

As for his estate, please do consult a lawyer - as I say, your father specifically wanted you to be looked after, and that is what should happen.

Be easy on yourself - go at your own pace. Little, by little, by little, almost imperceptibly, life will get easier. And if you need some 'chemical help' along the way, please don't turn it down. They can be stepping stones, and get you over 'troubled waters'.

Did you get any bereavement counselling? I found it immensely helpful after my husband died, even though I didn't see it could 'do' anything. But our local hospice offered it, and I took it, and I poured everything out and the counsellor lady was so, so good. I can totally recommend it.

Like I say, this is a strange 'transition' time for you, but think what your father would want for you, and that may serve as a guide for you in the months to come.

Wishing you well, kind thoughts, Jenny
I've just tried to send you a supportive post. Had an error message saying the post too short?
Believe it's a blip, and will try again later.
I'm going through the ambiguous bereavement you probably did before you lost your lovely Dad.
I was fortunate enough to have some counselling from one of the admiral nurses. Counselling helped me. Maybe you could give bereavement counselling a try?
It's time to take care of yourself now. You really deserve it. You should and you must!
Hey Alison
I don't know if you read this thread
http://www.carersuk.org/forum/support-a ... 91#p333691
It's just one of many about siblings wanting more than their fair share and I post it so you know you are not alone and so that you may find the strength and anger to fight your own greedy ones. I fear they are taking advantage while you are feeling down.
Xx MrsA
Hi Alison
Sorry you are feeling so lost and down.
I have just returned home, today, after visiting my home town to bury my mother with my father. I have all the 'paperwork' to go through yet, probate etc. Grief hasn't hit me yet. Tears of course, but soon mopped up. Tomorrow I start a new 'free' life. I have no idea how I'm going to cope but I do know that my Mum would expect me to acknowledge that I had done my best for her and to get on with looking after me for a change. It's horrible that your family are trying to deny you what is rightfully yours by your Dad's wishes and will. Do NOT relinquish what he decided was yours. Use it as he wished. Do him proud by finding yourself again and living your life as happily as you can.
One step at a time. Your Dad loved you. You are a worthwhile person. Do something positive tomorrow. Find yourself again. Then tell me the same when I feel bad in the future.
Alison_16091 wrote: Dad died in February...

My siblings and Mum (separated from dad 25years ago) no longer speak to me because dads will lets me use some of money from estate to get somewhere to live - not that i knew that was what he wanted and they are trying to stop this. I would rather have dad back than any amount of money. So im now lonely, penniless, Jobless and cant see away forward at all.
Hi Alison,
I know something of how you're feeling, as my mother passed away in January and I'm still having tearful moments. I also know what it's like when relatives get fixated about the monetary value of what someone left behind, and ride roughshod over others in an attempt to get their way. That is exactly what I've been on the receiving end of, from a greedy sibling who did very little for our parents over the years, but is now obsessed with how much money can be made on the house. The old saying "Where there's a will there's a relative" is so very true.

From what you've written, it sounds like you did the bulk of the care for your father, and he wanted to reward you for that in his will. Sounds fair and reasonable to me, so don't let your family take away what he wanted you to have. It's interesting that they seem to have left your father's care, plus the unhappy task of clearing the house and handling the sale to you, but on finding that your share is higher, they are suddenly up in arms about the perceived unfairness of the situation. It's a pity they weren't more fair minded when you were carrying the greater share of all those burdens.

Sadly, this is not uncommon. Your Dad knew the truth of the matter though, so don't let the greed and unkindness of others make this sad time worse for you. If counselling is available, take it. It might help to have a sounding board from an impartial person, so is worth a try.

Here's hoping next year will be better for both of us.
Hi Alison, and everyone else feeling like this,

I too felt like this when my mum died. I was made redundant from work and she died two weeks later so it felt like a double redundancy. This was over a year ago and I still feel rudderless / pointless.

Firstly, I think you should go back to your GP and try a different AD or dosage. There are many out there which will not have the same side effects. Also ask for bereavement counselling.

You were right to give up a job you hated. How about temporary work? Once I felt able to, I did temporary work and it eased me back into the workplace. It also enabled me to have a "purpose" to the day.

Also, please see a solicitor about your dad's money. Your initial consultation will be free. Once you know your rights, you will be feel less powerless.

And remember, small baby steps. You have lost someone you loved AND lost your caring role. It is not surprising that any of us feel knocked for six by that. Just concentrate on getting through each day and talk to us. There is normally someone around to listen.

Take care, Anne x