[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Is there something wrong with me? - Carers UK Forum

Is there something wrong with me?

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Today i began work (new job but only a temporary contract) 10 weeks after my hubby passed away. Its 20 months since I gave up a job I loved to care for him full time. I enjoyed being out away from the house, talking to people, not being the woman whose husband died.
I miss him totally and utterley but I can't be a wreck in the corner of the room sobbing all the time. I know I need this to help me cope and live this different life.
I think some of hubs family think I'm hardhearted and am moving on too quick but they only see my "face" that i show to the world.
I suppose what I'm asking is I'm not hardhearted am I? Its okay, it doesn't mean I didn't love him or don't miss him?

Sorry bit of a ramble
You are definitely NOT hardhearted. You are adjusting to a new way of living which is difficult at the best of times, but when grieving too it can be extra tough. There is also the coming to terms with no longer caring for someone.
We all find our own way of coping, we all have different paces and you are the only one that can say if this is right for you.
Being occupied with work and new people can also sometimes help by distracting you from thinking too much.

Wishing you luck in this new job and hope you continue to find enjoyment. As difficult as it is, live does move on.

x x
Booksey, good luck in the new job.
As for being hardhearted,people say what they want to say.Half the time they don't really care about peoples feelings. I was in a shop about a year after my son's death.Nearby was a lady who had told me to move on with my life and put him in the past. She was talking to another lady about a mutual friend of theirs,a widow who had met someone else and was getting married again.She said to her friend,"she has only lost her husband 2 years ago, how selfish not to grieve properly."The same woman who thought I should get over my child's death within a year.
Let people do all the thinking and gossiping they want to,and you get through as YOU are able.Try not to allow their thoughts to hurt you more. Your husband would be proud to see you coping,and would be there holding you when the tears flow behind your closed doors.xx
Booksey, do whatever you feel is right for you. No one really knows what you've been through. It's really important to take opportunities as they arise, especially when jobs you like are hard to find.
Take no notice what people think.
Your emotions will change constantly as you adjust and start to come to terms with it all. Yes there will be times when the tears flow and it all seems so raw and painful, but you cant live like that all the time. Other times will be spent doing ordinary things, things that interest you and, yes, even things that make you laugh. This is NOT a betrayal of your feeling for your hubby, or an indication that you are hard-hearted - its just the way things are.

Good luck in your job xx
NO NO no, you are not hard hearted at all, Booksey. You need to do what is right for you, so if it feels right, it is right, no matter what other people think.
It doesn't mean that you don't still love and miss him. And anyway, which do you think he would prefer for you, being meanfully occupied or sobbing in a corner?
Your grief is yours, as is how you choose to deal with it. There isn't a right or wrong way.
Your grief is yours, as is how you choose to deal with it. There isn't a right or wrong way.
Hear, hear !
Ask yourself what he would've wanted and what you'd have wanted if you had been the first to have passed on. At the end of the day, no one would like the idea of their partner sat at home pining for the one that they lost forever more.

This job, although it's not the one that you loved is more than a job. It's a way of saying "Yes, I know that I lost my partner, but I also know that life HAS to go on".

It does NOT mean that you don't miss him every day or that he didn't mean that much to you - as much as his family might like to try to play that game. Nor does it mean that you can't look out for yourself. At the end of the day, YOU know what is best for you and however much they might (or not) agree with it isn't the point. The point is that they should be supporting you.

Sure, it might turn out to be the best for you or you could fall flat on your face (as we all do from time to time) but if you never take that gamble, then your whole life will be full of "What if's..." from here on in.

If his side of the family can't cope with the fact that you have got to get out in the world and earn a living, you could always smile sweetly and point out that if they don't want you to work, then they are more than welcome to keep you in the style that you'd be happy to live in and pay your bills so that you can take all the time in the world to do as you please.

What really bugs me is the fact that they seem to think that you can just sit on your a Image Image Image playing the grieving widow all the time yet they don't appreciate that your bills don't pay themselves and cupboards soon end up like Ma Hubbard's without money to fill them.
Thanks for the support
Beck has hit my nail on the head. Couldn`t have said it better.xx