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I'm struggling and don't know what to do. - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I'm struggling and don't know what to do.

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Lo, I wouldn't worry too much about the anger. I think it's perfectly natural at this stage, and perfectly justifiable. I'd just let it rip (better out than in - providing you don't actually punch anyone!!!).

It will 'drain out' of you eventually, and you'll emerge the other side 'at peace' finally, with all this 'bad stuff' put away into the past.

I think the anger is, as well as t your sister's and their treatment of you and the hypocrisy of their Happy Family routine (!), also targeted at your parents, not because you 'hate' them but bcuase of all the work they 'imposed' upon you such that you had to do so, so much for them. Even if that was things you would have wanted to do, you still didn't really get a choice, did you, and we can be angry for SO much that is 'illogical'. (For example, in some ways I am 'angry' that my poor husband died of cancer at 55, with everything to live for (including his young teenage son), but his mother is now 93, with advanced dementia and has 'nothing' to live for....yet she is still alive and my husband is dead. If I let myself I can start to rage at the 'injustice' of that.....)

I think it wise to do WHATEVER it takes now to make each day that little bit easier for you. And I think yoga is a brilliant idea! A real 'time out' from the world pressing upon you, and designed to put body and mind - and, who knows, even soul maybe! - into harmony with each other.

You sound like you are being very wise about your own husband, with the stresses on him, and making all the allowances you need, and I think what energy and time you have 'left over' from sorting out the final phases of your mother's estate (I DO HOPE you have a copy of the will yourself - if so, photocopy it immediately just in case!), and that the money is divided up as soon as the house sale finally is completed (solicitors can be very slow and incompetant alas....you can be slow paying their bill!) (though they may deduct it up front from the sale money!!!!), .....can be focussed on your husband and his situation.

I do hope though that at some point, your horrible elder sister will be back in Canada (hurrah!) and your spineless younger sister back away home too, not bothering you any more.

Then it will be time for you and your husband to 'move on' into your own lives, and yes, I hope you can, eventually, get a holiday of sorts, even if it's in the autumn.

I'm so sorry to hear about your poor cat - it's always so intensely distressing when they are ill, or likely not to make it, and we can feel so frustrated and helpless about it. I hope that, if the decision is made - and it's SUCH a heartrending decision - that she/he has had the last of their ninth life, that you 'see her out' as untraumatically as can be in such circumstances.

Do 'sound off' here whenever you want - it's a great safe space to vent! Here you can say all the unsayable things that are the very opposite of those Happy Family Smiley-Smiley-Smiley idiocies on facebook and the telly!

Vent away if you need to!

All the very best to you at a stressful time, but hoping the lessening of the stress is in sight - KR, Jenny
Thank you Jenny.

Fortunately the will etc is clear and there's no doubts on that. I'll get the fair share I'm entitled to, once the house has sold. That's just a matter of time.

The anger is what has been frightening me. I think you're right - that will fade away once the official stuff is out of the way. I do find it hard to bite my tongue when I get another faint voiced or tearful "Oh I'm exhausted" phone call about executor duties. Yeah, running Mum's life as well as my own was a breeze, compared to filling out a few forms and answering some questions.....
Lo, I wouldn't bother about biting your tongue either! Why collude with their self-flattering fantasies.

Be as blunt as you want to be. I mean, what's to lose? You've lost your sisters already (as in, who wants them for heavens sake, being as they are!) They've had it easy. Time for them to 'sweat' a little over the appalling toughness (!!!!) of being an executor. My heart bleads. (Not)

Anger, by the way, in case you haven't come across this yet, is an acknowledged 'stage of grief', so again, don't worry about it, and don't worry if it's being mistdirected (a bit!) at your sisters - they desrve it anyway.

There are some excellent books on 'grieving' around - Elizabeth Kubler Ross is very good, and I know other folk here have recommendations too, that helped them cope.
I often punch a cushion to get rid of anger. I picture the persons face and punch it, yelling all the things I want to say to the real person. (Best done in private :lol: )
Also in the gym quite often on the Rowing machine I pull the persons head. Guilty pleasures but oh so freeing :D :D

Lo, these feeling you have are being amplified because you are grieving and because they were stored up so long. Counselling may help, and especially as you have so many other stressors going on too. Now is the time to be kind to yourself, and if that means getting counselling then do it. You've earned a treat or two
I'm not allowed to express my anger, unfortunately. Number one reason is that it upsets the cats. They really do pick up on tension and get very skittery and panicky, and I hate them feeling unsafe. So I behave myself, for their sakes. Number two reason is that hubby seems to believe it's counter productive and I should stop dwelling on things because it's not healthy. I'm so tired of censoring myself. But I get his point. I've told myself, over the last decade, that if I actually did what I really really wanted to do (scream, kick, punch, smash things up) that I was afraid I'd not be able to stop if I started. I genuinely wanted to scream until my eardrums burst and my eyes bled. That's how much fury I had. I think I still have it. I just don't let myself start because I honestly don't know what the end would be. So instead, I stomp the feelings down. Ultimate result? Hello, weight gain.

I got angry at something really stupid the other day - one cat needs liquid meds and she doesn't like it, but we mostly get it in her okay. She was struggling in hubby's arms so I tried to give her too much at once, to get it over for her quickly, and stop him being prickled so much. Unfortunately she refused to swallow and it poured back out of her mouth. She struggled even harder, hubby got scratched even more, he yelled at me, so I yelled back at him. I then went to the kitchen to get her treat (our usual reward is some cold meat, which she'd sell me for), and tossed the packet to him to give her. I tossed it from about 4 feet away and he was looking at me, so he knew it was coming. Instead of catching it, he let it land in his lap. And then he threw it back at me. Hard. Hit me on the back of the leg with it, before screaming at me for "behaving like a bloody teenager" and storming out of the house.

I have absolutely no idea how to please anybody any more.
What is your favourite television situation comedy series, please?

The reason I ask that, is that one of my favourites is Frazier
The older brother was angry or frustrated with his younger brother in one episode, and he had something like an inflatable children's toy, which he would use like a punch bag in orde to release his pent up frustration. Try. Buying a large cuddly toy from a charity shop and then take your frustration out on that. :-???
Lo, both you and your husband are clearly at cracking point.

I genuinely, do not think it is healthy to try and stifle your anger any more - it MSUT come out or it will keep doing what it is doing now.

Think of us as a 'stress bucket'. The world can pour stress into us, more and more and more, until we are full up with it. And then it can put a sealed lid down on us, but with a pipe inlet still. Then the world pours in more stress through the pipe inlet.

What is going to happen? UNLESS there is a tap at the bottom of the bucket to let the stress out, the bucket WILL explode violently and catastrophically!

It can't do otherwise!

You've tried following your husband's 'don't think about it' mantra, and it isn't working, is it? I wonder why he says that? Has he been 'taught' to sit on his anger? Is he scared of letting it go?

It's only JUST cracking in a 'safe' way at the moment, and really only just! That hurling the cat food at you - what if next time it's a saucepan, a book, a brick?

I would say it's essential for you to 'fit a tap' on to your human stress bucket, (ie, you!), so that the stress/anger can come out 'non-explosively'.

How best to do it may depend on your lifestyle. I like MRs A recommending working it off in the gym! (That said, I'm at my most 'aggressive' at the gym, presumably because of all the adrenaline running!) (but maybe that drains anger off FAST)(and Furiosly!)

Please give yourself 'permission' to get angry (but not in front of the cats, I do understand that!). And give your husband 'permission' as well.

BUT in a 'safe' way.

You have a RIGHT to feel angry (if you were 'someone else' looking in on you - as we here are! - you would see that you do have a right to feel angry!)
I am an only child, so I cannot appreciate exactly your situation,
But I ave two adult daughters plus one son. There is only about 16 months between the two girls, at times they have blazing rows. But the boy tends to get on all right with both of them just fine.
Ah Colin, you're delving into a different world, that of siblings.....I can't tell you how many times I wished I was adopted when I was a kid, hoped that someone would appear and take me away. I'm sure my childhood looked idyllic from the outside, but from the inside, it was a pressure cooker for me. I was the only introvert out of four kids, and shared that trait with our mother. She didn't help me when the others applied unbearable pressure, as she didn't seem to know how to. I was left to fend for myself. I believed that if she loved me, she'd have helped me. Perhaps that's why I was the one to care for her....still trying to earn her love, after all these years. Maybe that's the real source of the anger.

I hope your girls find a way to still love each other, despite their differences, Colin. The proof will be when one of them needs help. Either they'll help each other, or they'll turn away.
I think there is a definite correlation with girls in particular as to the order of birth as to their personality type.