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Carers UK Forum • I lost the love of my life. What's the point of me now?
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I lost the love of my life. What's the point of me now?

Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:57 pm
by parsley
I lost the love of my life last October. We had no children, so 'tis just me and the dog now. We had been together for 23 years and he is totally, completely and utterly irreplaceable. I miss him so much and feel so tired all the time. I find myself sobbing my heart out at some stage on most days. It seems anything can set me off. I know I have to move on but just can't see how. I have no enthusiasm for it at all. I'll be 52 on Friday and I feel about 72.

At 48 he was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, but was on insulin immediately, got kidney failure at 66 and after a false start with peritoneal dialysis, where he got peritonitis and very nearly died, ended up on haemodialysis, then the lazer treatment he had been having for three years for diabetic retinopathy was stopped and we were told no more could be done so he went blind, he had sleep apnoea and eventually had a stroke in 2002, had a fall in hospital two days later and broke his hip, so got very little in the way of physio and ended up in a wheelchair. He survived several bouts of pneumonia involving late night early morning 999 calls and hospitalisation and had to have emergency angioplasty after my pleas to the doctors to investigate after his toes went black in hospital were ignored and he was discharged.

I had an ongoing battle with social services to keep him at home from day 1, and to get enough care for me not to lose my full time final salary pensionable job. I failed, had a sort of mini breakdown and 18 months off work, but did manage to hang on to 15 hours worth a week work which I still have. Got care drip fed after three years. (It is my house and I was/am responsible for all the bills, so I had to work even though it meant no Carers Allownce of course). Never got enough care to cover any night shifts of course, so I have been cat napping for the last 8 years and on the go all day as I was working when the carers were here.

In September he decided that he had had enough of long days travelling to hospital for dialysis there times a week, he wanted a life he said. He didn't want to die in hospital or alone, so he stayed at home with someone holding his hand day and night. He went straight to bed, stopped speaking after four days, moving after five and died on day 6, which was a blessing as it could have taken a lot longer. At least I was there and holding his hand as I had promised.

I still have so much anger inside me though and I want to find a way of getting rid of it as I know it is doing me no good now. Before, it actually kept me going every day, ready to fight the next battle for him. Not just anger at how cruel life had been to him, but anger at the health service, hospital transport, idiot social workers with little knowledge or understanding of our situation or their own policies, some (though not all) of the carers and agencies that trampled through our house and rode roughshod over our lives and feelings, that sort of thing. I was never angry at him, but I was anngry for him, at his illness and what it had done to him and to me. Caring had/has turned me into a person I didn't/don't particularly like, cynical and bitter. Well actuially the caring hadn't made me cynical and bitter, but all the grief and hassle you have to go through with social services did. Diabetes is a wicked wicked disease.

My heart goes out to

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:09 am
by fluffycat
My heart goes out to you...I am sorry to hear about your loss.

Sending Image a big hug Image for you.

Do you still have contact with your local Carers Centre or Carers Service for yourself?


Thinkg of you.

I did have help from

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:37 am
by parsley
I did have help from a Carers centre(Princess Trust??), when I discovered they existed that is -after the first three years of caring without help. I don't know what a Carers service is.

The manager sat in with some of the social services meets, as I knew I was going to get stroppy with them after previous unhelpful remarks SS had made about our position and how they could, or rather couldn't help. Funnily enough the Carers centre said afterwards she could have cheerfully hit her too, so it wasn't just me being over sensitive.

I never had the freedom (or the inclination to be honest) to get involved with any Carers meets or courses they offered, as my partner had to have someone with him 24/7 since about 2003 and apart from dialysis he never wanted to go out of the house(it was a struggle to get him to agree to go into the garden and day care just wasn't him at all). After work I had about 1 hour free to get shopping/medication/walk the dog or whatever else I needed to do for myself (like have a bath) so social occasions were a non starter.

I did contact them to see if there was any scheme designed to help ex carers get back into to work via further education as I think I would like to do something completely different with the other half of my working life, but I don't qualify for anything. I 'fall between two stools' apparently (a phrase I have become familiar with).

I don't see how they could help me now. There are plenty of people who are now going through what I went through who need their help and there aren't that many of them.

BTW I did manage to get some respite care though. In March last year, for the very first time since 2002 and after fighting and fighting for years, I finally got 5 days away. I went to my sisters and did hardly anything. I was advised to apply as soon as I returned for another break, but no one would promise me any more, so I felt I had absolutely nothing to look forward to except the eventual death of my partner. By then I was too exhausted to fight any more.

To cap it all, the best dog we had ever had, died unexpectedly and painfully in July last year (I couldn't get her to the vet as soon as I wanted as it was the weekend and I had no one to look after my partner), so I had that to deal with as well. If any of you are dog people, you will understand how I felt. She got me through so many bad times and I let her down. Then 14 weeks later my partner died.

I feel everything I have ever really cared about has been taken away in such a short time and I can't seem to get back on track.

I'm sorry, you don't even

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:57 am
by parsley
I'm sorry, you don't even know me and it seems all I am doing is whinging and I feel that I really have nothing to whinge about any more do I? Perhaps if I had found the time to post earlier and not bottled all this up, I wouldn't be rambling now Image .

I am a very private person, not given to bearing my soul in public, but having lurked here for several years and identified with so many posts, I feel there may be one or two of you here who do understand.

I also used to be known in my family as the eternal optimist. I want her back, but feel it has all been knocked out of me.

Parsley, there is absolutely no

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:54 am
by Guest
Parsley, there is absolutely no need to apologise, it must be so difficult to bare your soul after all this time and in doing so we, just as you have, can relate in our various ways to what you are saying, just keep posting.

Annie

Hi Parsley, Well after reading your

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:01 am
by beaglelady
Hi Parsley,

Well after reading your posts I have a lump in my throat. Some of the things you say I can relate to - battling with social services (they are a waste of space!) battling with care agencies (another utter waste of time and money) district nurses etc - the list is endless.

I care for my mother who has Alzheimers and also type 2 diabetes, she's now nearly 79yrs old. Like you I feel everything is a fight to get what you want from the so called authorities. I know you won't want to hear this but at least your fight is over now, your partner is at peace. Please feel free to rant as much as you want on here, I have found everyone so friendly and helpful.

You must try and re-build your life now (easier said than done i know), but try and get out a little and socialise or even a long walk. I can relate to your dog tragedy too - I have 2 beagles and they are my life, I also have 2 cats and I've always been an animal lover, sometimes you get more sense out of them than humans!

Try and keep your chin up and come on here as often as you like to have a 'chat'. Everyone is here for you. Let us know how you get on.

Best wishes,
Elaine.

My dear it is going

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:26 pm
by coffee
My dear it is going to take time the grieving will stop eventually
The anger / hate you fou feel at the mo is normal it will in time go and you will have some happy memories
When my dad who I was very close to died 11 years ago still I at times grieve for him so if anyone says you should be over it -everyone different and handles it different
I felt a deep loss when I lost my dog awhile back and many on here understand so never think you should not speak out cause that is why we have this site to help one another anytime you feel you wont a chat drop me a PM and I will give you my number coffeex
Image

Hello, I was so sad when

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 4:28 pm
by choosysue
Hello,

I was so sad when I read the title part, what is the point of me now.

I recently lost my dearest Mam, not the same thing as you at all I know, but know what you're feeling like exactly.

Motivation and enthusiasm for even the smallest things are sometimes a big struggle, I find myself just sitting around thinking and being upset, but honest, coming here and talking to those who understand is making such a difference. Even if I'm not posting, just reading other people's threads, I feel like I've kind of joined a large welcoming family who care for each other.

I'm trying to fill the time I suddenly have on my hands, and have had suggestions about voluntary work, or classes, both of which I'm looking into.

I'm also a 'doggy' person and weve inherited my Mam's little rescue dog, who's a 'diva' lakeland terrier with attitude, and she tries to boss our lurcher dog around .. I swear he's starting to roll his eyes in disgust at her.

Take care
Sue

Hello and welcome to the

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 5:45 pm
by poppett
Hello and welcome to the forum.

I appreciate how you feel and have said on many occasions if my OH dies I won`t be far behind him, but I would hope when the time came I would find the strength to carry on as I am half of a couple, but a person in my own right.

I hope you will continue to post and find comfort amongst your new "virtual friends". If you get the chance to pop into roll call any/every day you will never feel alone again.

Take care
Meg

Re: I lost the love of my life. What's the point of me now?

Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:39 pm
by Lazydaisy
Well actually the caring hadn't made me cynical and bitter, but all the grief and hassle you have to go through with social services did. Diabetes is a wicked wicked disease.
I feel the same as you. I HATE DIABETES and the cruelty of the side effects.My 21 year old son died suddenly last summer, he had been type 1 , diagnosed at 8 months, and died due to ketoacidosis, due to him suffering from clinical depression for several years.I won't ever forgive myself for not being able to get Mental Health Team and Diabetes Teams to support him, or to help us to understand him.I am a different person since becoming a Carer,(my husband and elder son also have Type 1, as well as other disabilties),and as with you,I feel it is the stress and hassle that the paid professionals have caused.

I hope that you are able to get help and support for your grief, and I am sure your dog is somebody who will let you cry in peace, and never tell you that is enough for now.My husbands guide dog, and our other lab have been such bundles of love since Rhys died.
love from Jane x