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I lost the love of my life. What's the point of me now? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

I lost the love of my life. What's the point of me now?

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hi Parsley,
My heart goes out to you ((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))
Hello Parsley, Thinking of you today.
The only thing I can think of to say is that you should think about how your hubby would want you to be like right now. I felt suicidal after the loss of a dearly loved cousin, but the thought of him seeing me do something stupid, pulled me back from doing it. I just couldn't let him 'see' that, because he'd be so sad. Your hubby must be feeling really sad seeing YOU so sad, but it will take time, don't rush yourself but at the same time think forward to a time when you'll smile again - and you will. Then you can imagine hubby being glad to see that.
And if you want to feel sad and rant on here with us, then do it, like Beagle said, we've all done it and nobody minds in the least, it just makes us more supportive.
Take care, love Fran
Hi Parsley,

I care for my husband with end-stage COPD. I've never had to deal with social services because his care is managed through NHS Continuing Care and they've been great. In fact, everyone involved in some aspect of his care has been superb. I know that might be unusual, but I'm grateful.

I do understand a bit about how you must feel now. I went from a full time job to caring for my husband full time. He is unable to walk and is confined to bed 24 x7. Every hour of my day (and sometimes night) has something to do with my husband. I can leave to shop at the supermarket, but two hours is the most I dare to be away from home ... and that's rare. He has a carer come in for one hour a day, five days a week. So I am the primary carer.

I've been told he was unlikely to survive more than a few weeks three times in the past year. He's had bouts where he has been confused and hallucinating. Right now he is doing well .. although still an extremely ill man. I wonder what will happen to me when he dies. I expect I will feel exactly the same way you do now. Like my reason for existing has disappeared and I am of no value. I hope my two dogs are still well and happy as I'm counting on them to pull me through.

If you haven't already, I'd suggest you talk to your GP. Antidepressants may be helpful. So may support from Cruz bereavement counseling. And there just might be a dog in a shelter somewhere who is feeling lost and lonely too ...
I would also loike to say that you are still the wife/partner of your other half and always will be. I am still my son's mother, and I am still my mother's daughter, even though they are no longer with me.
I think I'll have a ramble now

The suggestion of seeing your GP (whether for anti-depressants or whatever) is probably a good one and something I'd have suggested. I'd also suggest seeing your GP regularly initially - perhaps even weekly so that they can see how you're getting on (with any medication or whatever) more effectively.

You may well have forgotten to appreciate yourself in how well and effective you've been in looking after your OH - maybe consider how much worse it would have been for him without you - so well done for what you did. Sad news too about the dog. As has been suggested, I'm sure there will be more dogs in your future that can enjoy your company - as and when you feel ready to be able to offer that company again.

Looking to the future, you'll be told things will improve. True but also there's no rush. I'm sure your mind will be busy thinking over the many issues of the past and you'll no doubt have several thoughts about whether you could have done more. Looking at this clinically, the answer is probably yes but it only true if you'd had the support you needed at the time from the various agencies/organisations. You did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you had. Don't go knocking yourself if it's only now you realise it could have been better.

Relating to your subject - you've only lost part of the love of your life - there is still you to look after and this is the point of your life now - to look after 'me'. What would 'me' like to do ? Perhaps for the time being without the encumbrance of a dog, it's a good time to consider holidays - with family - near or far - you are now free to perhaps do something you've been putting off for many years.

I could suggest voluntary 'work' - but I get the feeling even volunteering isn't as stress-free as it seems. A few suggestions include:

Local history group;
Amateur theatre group - there's usually always vacancies for helping them out, not necessarily acting but costumes, back stage, tea bar.

How about further education ? 'Night school' - adult education classes - whether it be pottery or English! Some offer 'exercise' classes from yoga to aerobics and aqua-aerobics - which can be quite fun, enjoyable and healthy !

There are many doors for you to open, it's just finding them at the moment that's difficult. Time will help.

And as they say here, rant away - with whatever's on your mind at the time.

And if you're really stuck, review what you think went wrong with your OH's care from the professional services and join a campaign group to force some improvements.

Whatever you do, let us know how you're getting on - even if it's a step backwards.

Take care, take it steady and all the best.

Mike.
I was so sad to read your post, parsley.
I think everyone has said the things that I would have said. You say that there is just you and the dog now - does that mean you now have a new dog? I totally understand your feelings about having all you love going away....but there will be, and probably is still strong love around you.... I have no answers, for after all, there are no answers for this.
Know that some love comes from this forum for you........I hope that it will be a support for you.
(((hugs))))))0 xx
Parsley, dear, I was so saddened by your post. to hear of all that you have gone through brought a lump to my throat. You are entitled to grieve at your own pace. You will not only be grieving his loss, but his illness, the loss of your dog and the battles you have had. Please be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel sad, or angry, or hurt or bitter. But try not to dwell on anger or bitterness as that will damage you.
Is there someone you could talk to or could your doctor arrange a counsellor? It will help to talk things through with someone who will not judge you nor condemn you for your feelings. All the feeling s and emotions that you are going through right now are normal for a grieving person. Anti depressants may well help. Taking time to think things through and cry when you need to will also help.
and when you're ready, as others have said, you may find another lovely four footed companion to help you though. I know I'd be lost without my rescue German shepherd. She makes sure I go for long walks (even though she doesn't like a bath when she's got muddy!) and is always ready to give and receive love.
thinking of you, and hoping you feel better soon. xx
A close relative lost her husband suddenly following a coronary, with no warning. Also in her early-mid fifties, she felt her life had fallen apart. After some time grieving she remembered that before she was married and had children, she had wanted to become a missionary in Africa. She was qualified as a librarian, and so she applied for VSO and spent a few very happy years in East Africa helping in one of their schools.
We all have childhood aspirations that we have suppressed and hidden. Maybe in due course you will be able to dust some of them off and look at what you can do to achieve your dreams now that you are in charge of your own life again.
Hi Parsley, reading your post has made me think - in trying to find some comfort and a way forward in your situation, how would I cope?

I'm in my early 40's and been caring for 25 years already so I know how you feel in that respect - it's a big chunk of your life to try to fill back up.
I'm sure I'd probably feel a bit like you do so you are not alone in this! Image

The Carer centre here, does offer support to Carers who are bereaved, from fast track counselling to just someone to talk to who has already walked the same path.

If you can, try and contact them as they are usually quicker at setting up counselling etc. than the NHS are. Image
Maybe it's a confidential place to start. Image

Remember we are always here too!
Lots of us have been or are some way along the same path and we do understand.
(((hugs)))
marie x
Hello Parsley, your sadness almost overwhelms my own which I didn't think was possible and yes I know the feeling of your life being over what's the point. It's a cry of desperation that I've never experienced before myself and I'm trying to fathom what do I do now.
My husband passed away in March, we had 20yrs of a beautiful marriage and as I'm 55yrs old I think to myself is my life over also? Some days I just don't want to go outside the door I just want to stay at home with my memories but I know this is not what my husband wanted me to do. He was always worried about me when he left me and I had to constantly put him at ease that I would be fine. He died of cancer in the end of a long battle of many ailments not just associated with cancer but it was inevitable that someday soon he was going to leave me. He was given wks/mths to live 3yrs ago. We had some precious bonus time and we tried not to waste it.
Whatever the timescale you're never prepared for that outcome. But it's hurting and so raw at times I just don't know if I can cope but my trigger of alarm if you like, is the fact that this is not what my husband wanted of me. And I realize after going down 2 dress sizes I have to take stock and see just where exactly I'm going with my life. Not to mention my health! I still don't know but I'm going out the door and spending time away from home. I've also joined this forum to my surprise really because like you I never bear my soul in public but I've found this such a big help with what I'm going through. I've found myself becoming interested in different directions and with the peoples help on this forum I've found some very useful websites. One in which I've decided to attend a conference in July for speakers on bereavement. I know I need help to understand what I'm going through and I know what my husband would want so I'm going to do both and this forum has started this off for me.
I hope you find your path to recovery and that you know we are all here for you in your time of inconsolable grief.

God Bless