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surviving christmas - Carers UK Forum

surviving christmas

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I'm not a bah humbug type, always loved christmas with the family. Gradually as dad's condition worsened I was no longer able to go to join family and spent christmas here just with dad. He died in October and I just suppose I thought things would be different this year, but ended up on my own without even a phone call from family living locally.
I don't understand what happened, they were all fine until the funeral but since then I've hardly seen anyone, they don't phone or visit and I can't visit anyone because I don't have a car now. My niece lives 15 minutes away and used to phone most days and visit at least once a week with her children. I haven't seen her for two months. After dad's funeral I was very depressed, having sleep problems and flashbacks about all sorts of horrible things which have happened over the last few years, but especially the last 2 weeks of his illness. I wasn't very aware of anything and time passed without me noticing it so I suppose I wasn't good about calling people. I wouldn't have thought people would take offence at that in the circumstances, it's as if I had a limited time to 'get over it' and failed, so they don't want to know. It's not everyone, but those who do care are too far away to help. I've always been close to my niece and that's what hurts so much, I never thought she'd be so callous. I miss her, and the children, and it makes everything so much harder to cope with. The last few years, since dad needed 24 hr care, I haven't been able to help anyone out much, although I looked after the children when I could. But in the past I've always been there and helped them all so much, it's so confusing for it all to change without anyone saying why.
We used to have wonderful christmases, my mum and dad would always invite anyone they knew who was on their own, that seems natural to me.
Anyway, can't cope with confronting anyone because I'm struggling day to day as it is, and so just have to get on with it.
Hope all former carers have had some happiness over christmas, such a difficult time to get through, especially the first one without a loved one. Love to you all xxx

Couldnt read and not reply.

Xmas can be such a hard time..sorry for your dads loss.

As for your niece, could you not ring her up and invite her over for dinner, or invite her to visit with the children. Ask her to bring the kids, maybe she thinks you needed space.
As hard as it is sometimes you have to make the first move. ((( hugs ))) xx
This may seem a weird sort of a reply, I hope it doesn't offend.

I would print out what you have written here and send it to your neice. Reason I suggest that is that this is the place where we can say how we feel without fear of judgement and I find it the place where we are most honest as we are not trying to spare anyone elses feelings.

What you wrote wasn't rude but honest, you sound bewildered and I know that is a sentiment many share on the forum-they don't understand why they have been "abandoned". Sometimes it is because relatives are just selfish sods but many times it is because they just don't think or they may not know what to say or how to approach you. they may even think you want to be left alone with your memories.

I hope it's the latter because then you can go about setting your neice straight and be able to tell her how much the kiddlies cheer you. Good luck Image x
hello Lell, I'm sorry to hear that you feel abandoned by your family. I don't think you would get any argument from people here that families can, and often are strange folk! Quite often the problem is that they simply don't think. I personally think the idea of giving your neice a ring is a good one, invite her over or perhaps suggest going out together somewhere that way you are on neutral ground. You have nothing to lose so be honest with her and tell her how you feel and how you miss seeing her and the children. When you care for someone so much as you obviously do, it seems a pity to lose the friendship because of what could be a simple misunderstanding. If after this attempt, the friendship and closeness still fails to return then sadly it may be time to accept that some families do drift apart however hard we strive to resist.

Bell x
Sent you a PM . Lell