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I don't think I can cope without mum - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

I don't think I can cope without mum

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Thanks to everybody for their words of encouragement. I have a dog and 4 cats. The lady at the kennels is going to take them in while I stay with my sister for a few days after the funeral.

I am going to try and see a doctor tomorrow as I can't stop shaking and I haven't eaten in over a week now. Hopefully, I will be able to get an appointment.

I am 37 and have spent most of my life caring for my mum and my dad before he died. I think you are right about work, I have got loads of annual leave to use at work before the end of March but I am thinking of asking if I can go back when I return from my sister's house. If I get into a routine, I might be able to cope better.

It is a shame that there doesn't seem to be groups for bereaved carers around because there must be loads of people in the same boat as me. There seems to be quite a lot of places for carers to go while they are caring for people but nowhere once the caring stops. It would probably be a good place to meet people and go on trips etc.

Thanks for thinking about me and for making me feel better. I bet you are all fed up of hearing from me now!!
Hi Rintyg,

I am not sure when it was, but it was identified a while back that there was a need for a place for carers to still come when grieving.Thats why CUK created this thread and I hope that its been of benefit to you.I think ,and I know others do too, that once you have been a carer you remain one always due to the many experiences gathered over the years.You may not physically be doing the role now, but at some point I can assure you, that in some way you will help another member in the future.That seems to be the way of things when online.One minute you receive help and support,the next you are giving it.

I dont know what sort of job you do but if you have as much annual leave to use, I was wondering if you could still use it and maybe go back to work slowly.Such as maybe work all mornings for a while and use annual leave to have afternoons off or vice versa.Your personnel manager if you have one or immediate boss should be able to advise.

Why dont we help you through this week,be here to listen and support you and then when you're ready we can maybe look at some of your options on how to fill your time if that is something you decide you want to do.

Like Belle said above,take one day at a time.If weather ok take your dog out for long walks,it may help with your appetite too.Above all else, just please dont expect too much of yourself too soon.

You will probably be hearing so many people tell you just now that it gets better in time, and you think to yourself that it never will.Its does though Ringty but at your pace,noone elses.

You also said
I bet you are all fed up of hearing from me now!!
Please dont think like that ok.I would hate to see you stop posting due to thoughts like those.
Death/bereavements is something we all face and who best to help you than friends who understand.

So use the forum as often as you feel the need to,post all day and night if you want.None of us here will think anything about it but offer you a hand in friendship and support always.

Be strong Ringty
Rosemary
x x x x x

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Hi Rintyg. Some carers groups are open to people in your situation - after all, what has affected you as a carer will still have an impact on your life now an for some time to come. Why not ask around?
Hi Ringty,
No, we are not fed up of you at all, here for you as much and as often as you like and need.
((((hug))))
Thank you for your messages of support. I always seem to be more panicky in the mornings at the moment. Everybody I look at seems to be married or have children. There doesn't seem to be any single childless people out there who I can identify with and think "they are like me and they are coping" Even when I think of people at work, if they are not in a relationship then they have children.

In a way I am looking forward to going to stay with my sister for a few days but on the other hand I am worried about coming back because I know that I won't see my sister again for a long time. I wish they lived closer to me but they live just about as far away as they can get. I envy her being able to go back to her normal life whereas I think things will never be normal again.

I will try and pull myself together but sometimes I feel totally engulfed by panic. Many thanks again for listening to me. Sometimes it helps just to type out what I am feeling........
Rintyg,

A close friend of mine lost her Mum last September, like you she looked after her Mum for most of her life - she's never married and she's going through exactly the same emotions as you are. She did attend grief counselling (she's in the US) which she did say helped, I also found her a grief forum called Beyond Indigo http://beyondindigo.com/forums/ .

She's a lovely woman and I'm sure if you wanted to email her she'd be more than happy to talk to you, she's finding it very hard to cope without her Mom.

PM me if you want me to put you in touch with her.

Take care

Paula xx
That is great Paula - thanks for your message. At least I know that there is somebody else like me out there. I would like to be able to contact your friend if possible just to see if she feels like I do.

I really appreciate you taking the time to contact me.
I'll PM you my email so I can put you in touch with Gina, she's lovely.

Paula xx
It is my mum's funeral tomorrow and obviously I am dreading it. Yesterday, my sister invited me out for tea, which I thought was very nice - except it wasn't. We had only just got sat down and my sister said that they (her and my other sister) want me out of the house ASAP. I haven't got anywhere else to go. I have lived in this house for 30 years and cared for my mum for the past 9 years. I tried to explain to my sister about caring and she just said "what caring? - even if your caring was worth £20,000 per year you still couldn't stay in the house".

I didn't care for my mum because of what I could get out of it but after all these years of no holidays and struggling to carry oxygen tanks upstairs, emptying commodes, bathing my mum and everything else that goes with caring, have lead to me being made homeless. They are even pricing up all of her jewellery. If my mum had rented her house instead of owning it, I would have more rights to stay in it than I do at the moment. The whole thing seems ridiculous. The worst thing is, even though my mum didn't make a will, she let people know what her wishes were but her wishes are being disregarded.

I always thought my sisters would look after me but I was obviously wrong. I am truly on my own.
Morning Rinytg,

You need legal advice real quick so you know exactly where you stand.Citizens advice should be able to help.I dont know if its common practise but in our area most solicitors will give 1st 20 minutes free.
Surely it has to count for something that your mam told others her wishes but I dont know for sure.

Did you go to the doctors?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow

Rosemary
x x x x

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