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I am devastated - Carers UK Forum

I am devastated

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello everyone - I am really struggling. My wonderful husband of 30 years who I have cared for intensively at home for the past 4 years has died suddenly. He was improving at last after a brain haemorrhage stroke in 2018:and we really hoped he had turned a corner. I miss him so much I can hardly bear it. The house is so quiet and empty now. Although I was quite good at prioritising some time for myself as a carer and taking some short breaks my entire focus was on my husband. We were very very close as we don’t have children either. It feels as though I have lost my reason for existence as well as the love of my life. I really cannot see any future happiness. Although he was so disabled he was always upbeat and we were very happy indeed just being together . I’m not coping at all and just crying and walking round the empty house feeling totally pointless
16 years ago, when I was 54, I found my husband dead in bed, no warning signs. I know how you are feeling.
I would urge you to join an online forum called "WAY UP" for widows and widowers over 50.
You WILL find a new life, I have, but the first months and years were an enormous struggle.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but walking around an empty house crying is perfectly normal. You can't hurry grief.
How are you getting on with the formalities and paperwork?
Hi
I lost my lovely husband 3 years ago. It was a long good-bye due to his dementia and other health issues. It's a very sad difficult time for you, and grief happens in all forms. I know you do not feel it at the moment but you do learn to adjust. Takes time, and you will still have moments. Crying is part of grief and it's better that you do.
Im sorry for your loss, and do keep in touch..
Sam_1807 wrote:
Tue Jul 19, 2022 3:13 pm
Hello everyone - I am really struggling. My wonderful husband of 30 years who I have cared for intensively at home for the past 4 years has died suddenly. He was improving at last after a brain haemorrhage stroke in 2018:and we really hoped he had turned a corner. I miss him so much I can hardly bear it. The house is so quiet and empty now. Although I was quite good at prioritising some time for myself as a carer and taking some short breaks my entire focus was on my husband. We were very very close as we don’t have children either. It feels as though I have lost my reason for existence as well as the love of my life. I really cannot see any future happiness. Although he was so disabled he was always upbeat and we were very happy indeed just being together . I’m not coping at all and just crying and walking round the empty house feeling totally pointless
Grief is a strange emotion to experience. Perhaps consider attending weekly professional therapy sessions in order to help you. See if you can even find a local qualified therapist in town or online.
Grief has no logic.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it is a natural process of loss of a loved one.

Take it one moment at a time, one day at a time.
Find out if you can get grief counselling when you are ready for it.

You will find yourself crying a little less, your body cannot cope with the onslaught of it, your body will dry the tears up - not for good but it will lessen them and when you think the crying has stopped there will be tears at unexpected times.
I lost my identical twin to a sub arachnoid brain haemorrhage 18 months after she survived one, it was a sudden death and it tore me apart in many ways.
You will find alsorts of illogical thoughts like fear of forgetting him, feeling guilty for smiling, it is natural, grief has no logic, it is emotional, it is a process.
Hold your head high and your chin up in pride of the care and love you gave him, you are amazing.

Put the radio on, have some noise.

Do you have a friend or relative who can help you with sorting out the paperwork and service?
Even if they just sit with you and make you a coffee while you do it.
It is the hardest time of your life and the saddest but you will get through it, you will get things organised and the paperwork done, you will function.
There's no rush to sort his personal things, but do have in mind a memory box to keep.

Be kind to yourself, it's a very difficult and emotional time.
It will get easier, you won't believe that just now but it will and you will start to see a way forward.

Just get through one task at a time, baby steps.
I am very sorry for your loss, Sam. It is, I think, doubly hard to lose the love of your life when you've cared for them as you have. Your life is so entwined with theirs, it's like losing a part of yourself. And then there's the fact that your life in the last few years was completely structured around your husband, with him at the foundation of the building that was the structure of your life. And then the foundation was taken away - causing the structure to collapse. So you've suffered two major losses in one, and it has left you feeling that you have nothing. It's going to be really difficult for a while.

People need a structure to their lives in order to cope. And generally they need human contact - something you probably feel like avoiding right now.

Grief counselling is worth considering. In the meantime, try 0808 808 1677 - Cruse is a bereavement service, and their helpline is open seven days a week as follows:
Monday: 9.30am-5pm
Tuesday: 9.30am-8pm
Wednesday: 9.30am-8pm
Thursday: 9.30am-8pm
Friday: 9.30am-5pm
Saturday and Sunday: 10am -2pm

You mentioned that you were able to prioritise your needs as a carer by taking some time out. That was really sensible - many don't - but it might be useful now if you can start taking that time out again. If you met people for coffee, for example, start again and gradually rebuild a structure built around your needs. It will be difficult, but it will help after a while.

When my father died ten years ago, my autistic son really struggled for a while. I told him that his grandad was always with him, in his heart and in his head - his feelings and his memories. And he would never go away because of that. I explained that his grandad would always want him to be safe and to be happy. One problem was that my son fixated on Dad's last few weeks, which were punctuated with difficult episodes during his final stay in hospital: we went through some of Dad's old photos to remember the happier times. It helped him, at least a little.
Sam_1807 wrote:
Tue Jul 19, 2022 3:13 pm
Hello everyone - I am really struggling. My wonderful husband of 30 years who I have cared for intensively at home for the past 4 years has died suddenly. He was improving at last after a brain haemorrhage stroke in 2018:and we really hoped he had turned a corner. I miss him so much I can hardly bear it. The house is so quiet and empty now. Although I was quite good at prioritising some time for myself as a carer and taking some short breaks my entire focus was on my husband. We were very very close as we don’t have children either. It feels as though I have lost my reason for existence as well as the love of my life. I really cannot see any future happiness. Although he was so disabled he was always upbeat and we were very happy indeed just being together . I’m not coping at all and just crying and walking round the empty house feeling totally pointless
Hey that is really really sad. I'm sorry to hear that, but one thing that I have noticed and I am unsure if it's a known thing but in my experience everyone who I've known who's had a stroke has died shortly after. The one's I've known have died up to a year later. Is this a common occurrence?
My Grandad has a stroke and died a year later. A customer of mine and sort of friend had a stroke then died a year later and now I'm afraid that another friend who had a stroke will die. I worry now whenever people have a stroke