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life now finished - Carers UK Forum

life now finished

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
i have posted on here previously as my wifes carer, she passed away in may this year and i have been in a daze since then, i have lost my job and house, had to sell up to pay off debts for stairlift and all the equiptment alterations to the house etc. i had to buy to try and make my wifes life a little easier.

i am now officially homeless and peniless, too devastated to look for a job or talk to benefits office etc. i am staying with my brother and his wife at the moment but it is only temporary as i have nowhere else to go, to put it bluntly cancer has not only killed my wife but my life as well.

just wondered if anyone else had ended up in a similar situation after being a carer and if so how did they climb back out of the hole?
Hi nodigit.
Wipe out the history and pain for one moment, try to ignore your current temporary circumstances - and think about your rights, strengths and abilities. Property and 'stuff' doesn't matter that much, it comes, and it goes.
If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.
Mahatma Gandhi

I'm so sorry to hear that - what a rough year you've had! Bad enough to be grieving, without losing your job and home as well.

It's good of your brother and SIL to take you in. I'm unsure what to suggest, without knowing a little more of your situation. Have you talked things through with anybody from the CAB, or social services or the Housing Benefits people? Are you able to go on a waiting list for accommodation? Or maybe once you've cleared your debts you will have some money left which will give you other choices?

Would it help if you managed to get a part time job, just to give you some structure and routine to your day? It is hard trying to find well paid jobs, but if you are able/willing to accept a fairly low hourly rate there are still jobs around. If you feel able/willing to share a few more details then maybe others will come along with helpful suggestions, to ease the practical side of things.
If you haven't done so already, please get yourself to a GP. With all the things that have happened to you, it's important that you look after your physical and mental health.
Being widowed is bad enough (I would say the only thing worse is losing a child?), but to be in financial straits is just..well, dreadful dreadful dreadful.

I do think that the former (losing one's spouse) makes the latter (financial difficulties) worse - because I can say (from my own experience) that it takes at the very, very least, a whole year to even START to get one's head around the death of the person you love....

We are always told, as widows/widowers, that we should do nothing 'drastic' during that first unbearable year when our whole 'reason for living' has just been 'exploded'. In that respect, please don't think you should rebuild everything now. you will be shellshocked, totally.

'Little by little' I think is the only way we can keep going. The problem is, as you say, it isn't just the deceased who are victims, the survivors are too....

You may not feel any reason or purpose to keeping living, but, I do promise, 'little by little' life sort of 'seeps back in' to us. Things can never get 'better' - it would take the return of our loved one to do that - but they DO get easier. I promise you, this time next year won't be as bad as this time now. Little by little by little we sort of put our heads up over the dreadful dreadful dreadful parapet of bereavement. You won't believe it - you can't - but it is true.

Wishing you kindly, at such a devastating time of your life, Jenny.
Sorry for long delay in replying but I have had no internet access for ages.

Jenny, job suggestion is a no go as I am suffering chronic back pain and am hobbling about on sticks caused by all the lifting of my wife in and out of bed 5 to 10 times a night before she passed away last May.

Looking back should social services have offered me some more help or even lifting training as I was not offered any but just expected (as I did) to get on with it myself even though I did have a carers assessment?