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How do I cope? - Carers UK Forum

How do I cope?

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hi, Carers UK gave the link to this forum.
Image I suddenly lost my elderly mum two weeks ago after caring for her nearly all my life, the last ten years as a paid carer. Mum had been poorly with a cold and chest infection and was starting to improve. I went into her room to see if she was awake and needed anything but she was gone, there was absolutly nothing I could do. The ambulance arrived very quickly but they could not revive her. She died of heart failure due to her old age.
Friends and family have been a great help but when they have gone home I am left here on my own, that is when it gets to me. I cannot seem to cope with the emptyness, I try to be strong but just can't hold back the tears when I am alone. So many memories come flooding back. It has been two weeks now and I miss more each day, although she spent much of her time dozing at least she was here.
Like Bill I too have to register for JSA and start looking for work soon, I am dreading it. Because mum died on a Sunday the eight weeks that I can remain on carers allowance start from that day, if she died on the Monday the eight weeks would start from the following Sunday. At the moment I cannot see myself being emotionaly strong enough to cope with being bullied into a job or course that I don't like. The way I feel at the moment I just am unable to think ahead.
How do people cope with the loss of someone they spent so long with, when will the crying stop? How do I face the future?
How do I come to terms with my loss?
It will take a long time just to get over the death of your mother, let alone the fulltime job you have been doing for so long, with so much emotion attached.

A man in our town died in similiar circumstances earlier this year. His wife had been his Carer for over thirty years, and like you, she is bereft.

You must look after yourself a little bit now. Do you have any money, where you could go away for a few days, to get your thoughts together a little?You need a little pampering, and someone to break your heart to. Remember that your Mum is at peace now, and she won't want you to suffer in the future. Two weeks is no time at all to even begin to grieve.I still miss my mother very much after 13 years .
One of the hardest things to come to terms with is the loss of the person we've cared for for so long.

Our whole life revolves around that person - our daily routine is fixed around that person. Take that person away, and the centre of our life disappears, and we cannot cope - because we all need a daily routine. Which is okay for a short time while we adjust to that new situation but the longer this goes on the harder it is to recover from it. It's incredibly hard, and setting a new routine can feel like a disservice to the memory of the person we were caring for.

It's difficult, but it is important to try to set a new routine and begin recovering.

In the meantime, if you feel unable to be thinking about work, maybe you should see your GP to discuss your options before talking to the Jobcentre.
Hi Alex I so sorry for your lost I lost my son a few years ago after 14 years of caring for him and I too still miss him very much even after all this time yes I had to sign on JSA and it was bloody hard to fine employed after be out of work for so long I was pressure into fine work. I got into a routine after a year it was not easy to do but i knew i had too for my healthy if noting else. But I was lucky to fine a friend who need a carer and she help me to get over my son death and now being her carer has help me a lot I don’t know what I would have done if I didn't have this person to look after and the help of my GP so go and see you GP see what help there have to ofter.
Dear Alex,

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum - I know that many people on this forum will know what you are going through and our thoughts are with you.

I found this prayer on another thread (I call it The Carer's Prayer). It was posted by another Carer who found it amongst her Mum's papers just after she lost her Mum. I am sending it on to you with love at this sad time.

and I know God must have heard
I felt the answer in my heart
Although he spoke no word!
I didn't ask for wealth or fame
(I knew you wouldn't mind).
I asked him to send treasures
of a far more lasting kind!
I asked that he'd be near you
At the start of each new day
To grant you health and happiness
And friends to share your way!
I asked for happiness for you
In all things great and small
But it was for his loving care
I prayed the most of all!

God Bless you

i am so sorry for your loss and feel every pain you feel, my moms still here but old and frail and i live in fear every day of what will become of me when she passes i wish i lived nearer to you just to come and say hi and help you through this very hard time. i am sure we have both done everything we could possibly have done to make their lives complete and then when they pass its like, what do we do now. we yearn for freedom from it but when it comes we are scared to death i no i will be, i don,t no any other kind of life. i have only just joined carers uk but am here if you need a friend.
hey alex am so so sorry 4 ur loss, u must have loved ur momma dearly so much we r all so sorry 4 u. Have u thought about going on DLA 4 stress or depression and anxiety? because maye u can get that benefit? My husbands on middle rate 4 depression. Speak to ur doctor and u dont necessarly have to be on anti depressants to get DLA.
HI Alex
I am so sorry to hear of your loss i am like Marie my mum is still here she is now fast approaching 86 and i lay awake most of the night listening out for her i have a baby monitor in her room and in mine so i can listen out for her. i don't know how long you cared for your mum but i have been doing it for 9 years now she drives me crazy but i love her very much and i can't imagain life without her i sometime have dreams where i see my dad and he tells me he has come for mum i wake up crying pleading with him not to take her then i hear her cough and know she is stilll there but i don't know if its some kind of sighn from him to say it wont be long. Then she keep saying it wont be long and i will be gone i tell her not to talk like that and tell her she cant get rid of me that easy she laughs then says i cant live forever i tell her she has ti live till she is 100 so i can can the telegram from the queen. but i know how you feel i lost my dad 14 years ago but i still love and miss him very very much.