Hi all,
Haven't been able to get on the computer for a while but I looked in today and just read through with tears - the guilt has been and still is terrible but it's good to know I'm not alone. The only time I tried to talk about it to the family they just told me not to be so daft. More guilt for being such a wuss! Only I'm not and I know that this is the price one pays for the closeness and love of all those years from the day I was born.

Happily though, after fourteen months, the odd ray is beginning to break through - I have suddenly begun to remember stuff from before she got ill and begun to forget how she was during the years she was ill and fading especially the last months. I took some flowers up to the cemetery last week - her favourite anemones - and gave a bunch each to her and Dad. Sitting between them I began to chat, not saying sorry for not doing better as I usually do, but just memories and suddenly there was a strong memory of the three of us laughing while on holiday in Cornwall. We laughed often and but this one memory was so vivid. Perhaps they sent it - perhaps it is their way of telling me not to be so daft - they would never have wanted me to suffer in any way and she would have been the first person to give me a cuddle if I was sad.

I also remembered that she looked after her Mum through years of dementia (I helped after work and at weekends) and how she was after gran died for over a year - we used to go out a lot and just walk and talk. And Gran looked after her parents back in the Twentie's. So much care but so much love too.

Blessings and Cuddles to you all, Solange