Feeling lost and not able to grieve

[Paul_17041]

I lost my father nearly two weeks ago now. I am totally devastated. I cared for him nearly 24/7 for the past year and a bit as a result of him being diagnosed with a terminal illness. My mother also provided care for my father for the past year and I am really worried about her. We have had the committal and the service earlier in the week. My mother who has been married to my father for 58 years, seems to not recognise what has happened. It's almost like life carries on as normal and she has not shown very much emotion. This is a first time for me, I miss caring for my father in every single intimate way, and I have not lost anyone so close before. My priority now should be supporting my mother, but I just do not know how to. She needs love and support but it is almost being reflected off me. I do not know what to do. Can anyone provide any advice please? Thank you. Paul.

[bowlingbun]

I was widowed suddenly when I was 54, my husband 58. I have also lost all four of our parents and my brother. Each bereavement has been different. Grief and recovery is a long road. Maybe search on Google for some information about the grief process, it might help you both. I suspect mum is still in shock.
For the moment, for both of you, just live day to day. Has all the disability equipment gone? Presumably you are dealing with the paperwork. Do you have Power of Attorney for mum?

[Karen Dee]

Hi Paul,
You sound like a brilliant son and you obviously loved your father very much. I am so very sorry for your loss. You should be very proud of yourself for all that you did.
I lost my dad in 2018 just before Christmas and I think of him every day. I still have my mum to look after. It does take awhile to adjust to losing someone close to you.
Look after yourself and hopefully you'll have some 'me' time now.

[SPRJP]

Hi Paul,

I lost my Dad in July after 2 1/2 years of illness. My Mum was his carer with me helping out.

I worried about how my Mum would cope without Dad and I've got to say it's not easy. I have not had a great relationship with my Mum due to her behaviour towards me and and others during my Dad's illness, but that's a different story.

Many people on this forum advised me that you need to take some time for yourself to grieve, and they were right. I found that my
Mum was extremely forgetful and seemed to go into a child like mode. It was so bad my sister thought she had dementia. I'm glad to say I don't think that's the case, it's simply part of the grieving process.

For myself I have provided support, but maintained some distance too to enable myself and my family to try and come to terms with our loss also, as this was simply not happening trying to be with Mum all the time. My Mum has been extremely demanding all my life and I knew I wouldn't cope without time to myself after Dad's death.

I have found some volunteering places for Mum and she is extremely keen to do this, something she wouldn't if I hadn't backed off a little. You can only do so much Paul!

Take each day as it come's and there will be challenges along the way, but you must look after yourself.

Take care.