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Former carer - scared that its going to happen again - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Former carer - scared that its going to happen again

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello All. I cannot thank you enough for your words of encouragement and good sense. You will be pleased to know I haven't given in. It's been tough, my neighbour is relentless in his quest to get what he wants. He has left numerous messages, all of them are aimed at making me feel guilty. Taking all your advice I have a new phone coming that will allow me to block his number. This was ordered after the last straw... Where he called a mutual acquaintance and asked her to call me. She was upset and felt very awkward. Enough is enough. I spoke to his daughter who assures me she has warned him to stop.

Jenny, so much of what you said struck a child with me (I remember pulling over in my car, and finding myself yelling at the top of my lungs when I was in the midst of things witg mum and dad! That was a very odd experience!) you must have had such a dreadful time of it, what a lonely experience. i think the thing that struck me the most was what you said.about permission. When we feel so low and hopeless and doubting ourselves, to have somebody else give you permission to stop it all... We'll, it's incredibly powerful, it feels like your experience and feelings are finally being recognised and validated. I can't thank you enough, because everything my neighbour rings, I just think 'no, I don't want this and I don't have to take it'.
I was interested in how your counselling friend helped you, so I have booked.some.counselling. I need to make make sure to find ways to protect myself. My own parents were always D and D (love it!) so I think I'm very susceptible to feeling I have no choice in these situations. No more Good Samaritan!

Thank you all again. You've made such a difference to me and I so grateful xxx
I had a very disabled mum who became very self focussed, told me that dad died prematurely at 78 and was having a pity party for herself, when my husband had just died at 58!!!

Counselling gave me "permission" to say "No" to mum, and even better, how to avoid jobs without actually saying "No" directly. It made me so much happier, as it gave some level of control to me, not her.

Make it clear to the counsellor what you see as the biggest problem (mine gave me a little questionnaire to start with, to help her get to know me). I couldn't change mum, but I could change how I reacted to her demands, and felt about them. A huge help.
Although this is not your job to sort this out, there are charities that help, help the aged/age uk in my area do all sorts of services transport to gp hospital, shopping, handyman, befriending service.

Often though as other members will say the elderly don't want charitys, want relatives, friends, neighbours to help.

I am in the same situation trying to sort it out but not easy.
Well done, Elizabeth. Your latest post can show others how to do it right!