This is a really odd post, i do apologise if its not in the right place.
I was carer for my mum, who has alzeimers. It was really hard because she lived with dad and for 5 years he was in total denial, but constantly calling me over to care for her. For a long time I just went along with it. As mum got worse, i tried to talk to him and he just wouldn't have it. I live an hour away, and at the time I had a really full on job (which I eventually had to give up). As time passed i was there frequently because mum couldn't clean herself and dad wasn't doing it. At times, i am ashamed to say, i really hated my dad. I felt my life ebbing away, i could never make plans without fear of them having to be cancelled at the last minute. He would call me at all hours asking me to talk to mum, to tell her who he was etc... It was awful. I am ashamed to say that i felt really resentful at times - i know dad was desperate, and he just couldn't do it any other way, but the impact on my life, my work, and at times my marriage, were all encompassing.
Fast forward 18 months, my mum is in a fantastic care home. Visiting her is an absolute joy. I tell myself that it was an awful time, but I have put it behind me... or so i thought.
I have an elderly neighbour who has recently fallen and broken his hip. He is in his 90s. He is almost totally blind and has shaky mobility. Until recently, he was able to get out and about, but the fall was almost inevitable. I have been friendly and sometimes popped in for a cuppa, but when he went into hospital he began phoning me and trying to line me up to care for him. I told him that I did not want to be a carer again. He became very insistent that he wasn't asking me to do anything that I didn't want to do, just wanted me to take him shopping, and pop in during the evenings when he needs something from the local shop. I told him that he should not come home without a proper care package in place, because i really did not want to do this. I still visit mum, still have dad to worry about, and even have an aunty who lives alone and puts on a bit of pressure for me to visit her and do housework. I explained again to him that i have no more to give currently. He still didn't seem to take this on, and i am guessing this was his own fear. I stopped visiting and told his daughter that I wanted to be very clear that I didn't want to care for her dad. I really hoped that would be an end of it.
Today, i come home from work to a message from him on my phone telling me he's home and that i should pop around. Less than an hour later, another message which is more insistent.
I haven't answered his call, although i am feeling very guilty. he is only a few doors away. When the second message came through there was a real 'edge' to it that reminded me of my own dad. I'm feeling the same confusing feelings of anxiety and guilt, resentment and despair that i used to feel when i had to care for mum - like my life and choices are going to be taken from me, like all my priorities have to take second place. The feeling is unbearable. I feel really tearful. Im shocked by the way this has left me feeling. And, as i did with my own parents, I am also doubting myself and feeling like a bad person, whilst also feeling a deep anger.
Does this make sense to anyone? Sorry to go on so much.
I was carer for my mum, who has alzeimers. It was really hard because she lived with dad and for 5 years he was in total denial, but constantly calling me over to care for her. For a long time I just went along with it. As mum got worse, i tried to talk to him and he just wouldn't have it. I live an hour away, and at the time I had a really full on job (which I eventually had to give up). As time passed i was there frequently because mum couldn't clean herself and dad wasn't doing it. At times, i am ashamed to say, i really hated my dad. I felt my life ebbing away, i could never make plans without fear of them having to be cancelled at the last minute. He would call me at all hours asking me to talk to mum, to tell her who he was etc... It was awful. I am ashamed to say that i felt really resentful at times - i know dad was desperate, and he just couldn't do it any other way, but the impact on my life, my work, and at times my marriage, were all encompassing.
Fast forward 18 months, my mum is in a fantastic care home. Visiting her is an absolute joy. I tell myself that it was an awful time, but I have put it behind me... or so i thought.
I have an elderly neighbour who has recently fallen and broken his hip. He is in his 90s. He is almost totally blind and has shaky mobility. Until recently, he was able to get out and about, but the fall was almost inevitable. I have been friendly and sometimes popped in for a cuppa, but when he went into hospital he began phoning me and trying to line me up to care for him. I told him that I did not want to be a carer again. He became very insistent that he wasn't asking me to do anything that I didn't want to do, just wanted me to take him shopping, and pop in during the evenings when he needs something from the local shop. I told him that he should not come home without a proper care package in place, because i really did not want to do this. I still visit mum, still have dad to worry about, and even have an aunty who lives alone and puts on a bit of pressure for me to visit her and do housework. I explained again to him that i have no more to give currently. He still didn't seem to take this on, and i am guessing this was his own fear. I stopped visiting and told his daughter that I wanted to be very clear that I didn't want to care for her dad. I really hoped that would be an end of it.
Today, i come home from work to a message from him on my phone telling me he's home and that i should pop around. Less than an hour later, another message which is more insistent.
I haven't answered his call, although i am feeling very guilty. he is only a few doors away. When the second message came through there was a real 'edge' to it that reminded me of my own dad. I'm feeling the same confusing feelings of anxiety and guilt, resentment and despair that i used to feel when i had to care for mum - like my life and choices are going to be taken from me, like all my priorities have to take second place. The feeling is unbearable. I feel really tearful. Im shocked by the way this has left me feeling. And, as i did with my own parents, I am also doubting myself and feeling like a bad person, whilst also feeling a deep anger.
Does this make sense to anyone? Sorry to go on so much.