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Re: Torn and can't decide - Carers UK Forum

Re: Torn and can't decide

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
After visiting daughter last weekend and doing a lot of thinking I am now totally confused and torn between two places. Do I want to stay round here, as originally thought, friends/activities/familiarisation/rural town/fairly quietness/slower
OR go completely to Tam - daughter/grandkids/bustling town/canals/zoo/nearer motorway networks/daughter's return to work hours/son i l working hours/helping out/ companionship for depressed daughter ............

I know it's my decision in the end and I shall have an on-line look at some Tam houses and can go and view some, but although I'm ready to move, I dunno where I want to be now. I now think what's keeping me round here? I'm stuck out on a limb being here (even in town) and what's making me stay 'stuck out on a limb'? Shropshire is almost totally rural, Tam is bustling, busy, snowdome, cinema, bowling alley!!!! There must be something I can join or find a dancing group somewhere or another WI? It isn't the end of the earth is it, only 50 miles further south-east.
More handy for lots of things in a way.
So, am I scared of jumping into the unknown? Why am I even thinking, why don't I just decide to go there? Doesn't it make sense, like everyone says to move nearer to daughter. The 'pot's' been thrown up in air now for me.
It's something only you can decide, but I think you need to have a good think about the real reason you want to stay locally, what you want from your life there, then do the same about moving to Tam.
Then look at the downsides to both.
Then do what your heart says (((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))
Fran, I totally agree with Myrtle. You need to make a list of the pros and cons for both places, take your time there's no rush. Talk over the list with your daughter in Tam and your friends where you are now; you'll find that it will all drop into place.

After Mum died I thought it would be easy to up sticks and move down to the coast as I had always said that is what I would like to do. I started researching South Devon and Folkestone, even had a look at Bognor Regis/Chichester areas too. But then it hit me - yes, I had friends in those areas BUT all my family (sister, nieces and their families) were all here and if I wanted to be a continuing part of their lives and watch my great-nieces and great-nephews grow up then I needed to be here too. I couldn't (and wouldn't) expect them to be continually visiting me and as I'm not getting any younger it wouldn't be long before I couldn't manage the journey back here to visit them. Also I didn't particularly like the idea of being ill or infirm and reliant on only the kindness of friends (who also have their own lives and own families to consider).

It is said that a person shouldn't make any life changing decisions for at least one year after the death of a loved one. I think that's quite sensible as it gives you time to get your thoughts in order and make the right decision for YOU.
You could always consider renting out your house for 6 months or a year, and then renting a place where you are thinking of moving to. Time away from home makes us realise some plus points we might have forgotten about. If only we knew we were going to live able to run a marathon on our 100th birthday such choices might be easier, but on the other hand, especially as carers, we know that age brings some infirmities with it. Much better to move to a bungalow near to the bus stop, the doctors, the hospital, and shops within walking distance whilst we are still fit and well enough to do all the arrangements. Problem is that where we move to is changing all the time. My town had the best sewing shop in the South of England, which I loved and frequented very regularly. Then the owners retired and it became New Look instead. Now there isn't any sewing shop in reasonable distance, but it's still one of the nicest towns on the South Coast. Nowhere is perfect, we just have to decide what is absolutely vital; what we'd like, but isn't a must have; and then what we'd absolutely hate.
I like your little town, too, Bowling
Hi Nananana,

I believe people say you should not make big decisions in the first year. I followed that advice and it is now 2 years since George died and nearly16 months since my dad died and although I am fairly sure I want away from here. I never liked this place and without my family members it is worse than ever. I still have not made a house purchase. It is a far bigger decision completely on my own.

You are probably the only person on here who has seen the town I have been thinking of moving to. I wish the decision making was easier and then the practicalities of moving wont likely be all that easy. And we have to do all this alone! It is difficult.

I have been employing the theory that if I cant get to a decision it cant be the right time yet.

Duncaring, you won't be moving far though, will you? Still in the area sort of.
I have decided to have a look at some Tam houses and have made viewing times when I'm next over there at neck crunchie session. See if I can get the feel of somewhere other than the vicinity of where daughter lives. She has given me pointers to good and bad areas, has found several WI groups AND a couple of line dancing groups too. I am weighing up the pros and cons to both places, but need to step inside some Tam places to see if I get the 'feeling'.
Filled in the Probate forms this afternoon and will just post them and hope for the best, if they're wrong, they'll tell me won't they?
The place I was thinking of moving to that you know is over an hour from where I live just now. It is about 35 miles and 30 minutes on a ferry. I am now thinking about another area which is over 90 miles and about 2.5 to 3 hours drive.

I will be moving away from everyone I know and any relatives that I have here. I miss a lot of people who are no longer here. It is hard to look at places where they used to go every day in life. So maybe a new area would be an idea for me,

I have not had an easy time of it around either my flat or my parents' house. At the flat an idiot neighbour thought I was in dire need of male attentions while his invalid wife was in another flat in the building. At my parents' house I had people asking what I was doing with the house within hours of his death. What an ignorant bunch and I dont need that type of person.

My own daughters could not even get me Lemsips when I was ill but they are in the huff with me because I lost the plot with the constant demands for money and items like a car. I dont need them messing with my life either. Maybe a new start is for the best.

Sometimes people have to make a move because they are forced to. I went from a town house to a high-rise apartment 3 hours drive away to be able to live with my husband and be near to good hospitals. When my parents took ill we moved in with them, heading six hours northwards. Our ground floor flat is not in the best of areas, but have good neighbours who don`t invade our privacy, but would help with anything if I had to ask.

In my heart, although my friends are here, my spiritual home is the Isle of Bute where I was born. I have often wondered if I would go back should I find myself alone one day. I have no rellies there anymore, just children of my childhood friendships shared at Granny`s.

If the vibe is right and the time is right househunting is a pleasure. I have never known that, just had to make the best of where I was at that time in my life.xx
Hi Poppet

I was living for a while in the Western Isles very remote and very beautiful. I came back to Glasgow where I was born and brought up because my parents were getting old and ill. They are both gone now, my ex husband/good friend and supporter is gone now too. I now have two properties a mile apart. One is a top floor flat which for obvious reasons i cant spend the rest of my life there. There is no chance of lifts ever being put in. My parents' house which they had for 56 years is in a street in a good ish area seems to be populated by a bunch of queer hawks with a fixation about parking and general selfishness. I had wanted to stay in my parents house but I am not living with crap like that. My family originate from one of the Inner Hebridean Islands. I dont feel that I want to be stuck off shore for emergencies. I have looked at the Ayrshire coast, Inverclyde, Cowal etc. I have looked at a cute place today and I think I may well ask for a viewing. It is difficult to move to an area you dont know as you dont know what kind of neighbours you will get but having lived/visited the same street practically all my life I never thought there would be people so lacking in common decency and humanity in this street.

We can but move house and hope to heavens we dont land in with rotten neighbours. Incidentally sometimes I think the people in the "bad" areas are a lot more decent than those who live in the "good" areas.