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Dad died. - Carers UK Forum

Dad died.

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hi everyone,

I posted on here a few weeks back about the problems I was having with my Mum and her behaviour.

Mum and I have never had the easiest of relationships and when Dad became ill a couple of years ago this went downhill fast.

From day one Mum has been verbally abusive, name calling, telling me to F off. The hospital wouldn't let Dad home originally without a stair lift. Mum was adamant she wasn't having one in her house as she had just had a new carpet fitted and I was told again to F off again, only to get a phonecall to say could I sort one out. Even then she refused to remove her stereo unit at the bottom of the stairs, which meant the lift wouldn't go down to the floor, which caused Dad to step down over a foot. She only relented when Dad's hand got jammed between the stereo unit and his chair lift. She wouldn't have a medical bed, ramp for wheelchair or an alarm. She even took the key out of the key lock. It was endless. This behaviour has continued until Dad's death and was left to me to contend with all the phonecalls and complaints about her from District Nurses, carers, CCG and social services. It was sole destroying, the more they called the worse her behaviour became.

I managed to get a great CHC package which meant Dad had overnight care seven nights a week, plus day visits and 10 hours respite for Mum per week. Mum wanted none of it and hated the carers with a passion and was often quite rude and abusive to them. She didn't want the carers, she wanted me to do it. I was honest from day one with Mum and said I could not take on a caring role as I worked full-time and had a large family with still young children. This fell on deaf ears. My husband and I have been at her beck and call with demands and then abuse. I lovely birthday party for Mum was scorned upon and I was told "was this the best you can effin do", she refused to come and I absolutely hit rock bottom once again. Some of the things she has said to me I couldn't print.

I was receiving so many calls from carers, CCG and social services about her and concerns re her behaviour. The last straw was s/service and the CCG advising she was no longer permitted to give Dad his meds after concerns were raised again by the carers. I had to provide metal lockable tins for his meds. Problem being noone was telling Mum this other than me. Mum then accused me of causing trouble and told relatives that I thought she was trying to kill Dad, which was not the case.

Social services and the CCG took legal advise after further safeguarding issues once again around mums behaviour and shouting at Dad. Mum was also leaving Dad on his his own and I received a phonecall from the district nurse informing me Dad was in the house on his own and she was calling the police. Mum had gone shopping despite not using all of her respite hours. This apparently was not the first time she'd left him, it was a common occurrence apparently.

I was on the verge of a breakdown at this stage and could take nomore. S/services were due to visit Mum and hand her a letter detailing their intentions to put Dad in a home . All of this could have been avoided if she had simply listened to what I was telling her. Mum believed nothing I said. I was merely there to have my strings pulled as and when she wanted.

Dad died before S/services could put him in a home. I showed Mum all the emails from S/services to confirm I wasn't lying or making anything up. I am heartbroken to think in my Dad's last days he thought I was simply causing trouble. Everything I did was for him and Mum. To think she was saying unkind things about me to relatives has broken me, although I'm not surprised.

I am now left with Mum to deal with, and I simply want nothing to do with her. I'm struggling, I can't forgive her for her behaviour, lies and abuse. I have heard so many awful things she said to Dad that I can never unhear, I don't doubt she was devoted to him though. I know I should move on, but I can't. I do not want to be anywhere near her. Despite this I have supported her and arranged all the funeral etc, have visited and have her for tea. She cries and tells me she is lonely and that I have a spare room, she wishes she was dead. I simply have nothing more I can give, absolutely nothing. I feel like such a bad person. Why can't I forgive her. I wish I was a million miles away, I honestly do. My lovely Dad has died, he was my hero, and I worshipped the ground he walked on. I cannot grieve and have yet to cry because once again I'm wrapped up dealing with Mum. What do I do?
SPRJP wrote:
Tue Aug 04, 2020 12:46 pm
Why can't I forgive her.
Why should you? In the circumstances, I think you should be commended if you did, but it's not compulsory.

If it were me, I'd offer her a one time deal :- "Behave and act like a responsible adult or I'm gone from your life"
Accept mum will never change, at her age it's impossible.
You don't have to have ANYTHING to do with her now. She has to take responsibility for her own actions and they way you feel about her.
I certainly wouldn't have anything more to do with her.
What you need right now is distance to be able to process and grieve the loss your family has suffered as it will affect everyone (particularly if you have children who likely not know how to deal with this situation emotionally)

Whether you are able to forgive Mum and if she can change is a matter for another time, in the present she is clearly a dangerous person to be around for your family and requires professional help, you have done enough and your fathers passing appears to have only escalated her hostile attitude as she is also grieving but projecting all of that negative energy towards you/your family.

Notify social services and the GP, preferably by at least 2 methods (phone and email/letter) that they are required to intervene and withdraw from this situation. It does not excuse the behaviour but I wonder if your mother has untreated health problems feeding the appalling behaviour your family has been exposed to.

Either way from someone that knows, you need to take a step back and allow yourself to grieve

My condolences for your loss

Best wishes to your family
So sorry to hear about your Dad and all the pain you’re going through. Big love! Xx