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Coping with the aftermath - Carers UK Forum

Coping with the aftermath

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello everyone,

My dear friend and neighbour, John died on 2nd July so I am no longer a carer. He had no relatives and left his house to relatives of his wife who died many years ago. These people live in Holland and only came to England once in 2O years and did not visit my neighbour on that one visit. He was upset about it. After he died but before he was buried they came over and it was horrible to see and hear them laughing over his things and chucking so many of his treasures in the bin. Vultures.

The solicitor came over and took a look round the house. She then asked if I would go to see her at the office `to help clear up a few things, since I knew John better than anyone`.
When I went to the office I was questioned as though I might have been guilty of some wrong doing. John gave me some money before he died and I was questioned extensively about this. Why did he do it, how could they know that he had given it me willingly and in knowledge of what he was doing, why had I not insisted that he contact a solicitor first, on and on it went for nearly two hours. There were two solicitors who wrote down everything I said. I was asked to return the money, told that the beneficiary would be entitled to ask the solicitor to recover it for them. It was horrible and I was in tears. The very man I would have gone to for advice was no longer there. John would have said `Tell them` and if I said I had told them he would have said `Give me the phone I will tell them myself. He would be so upset that no-one seems to care about what he wanted. No-one cared for him or about him as I did.

I have not returned the money and they will have to fight me for it if the beneficiary does not care either for respecting John`s wishes. I am waiting to hear. I prefer John rather than any money. In the end, neighbours and everyone he had known deserted him. Yes he could be a difficult man but I knew him deep down and he was such a good person. I miss him more than I can say.

Best wishes,
Three words of advice Kathleen, just in case.

See a lawyer.

I don't think there is anything they can do but much depends on whether they can argue that you controlled the money, etc., so make sure you get someone on your side. As for the manner in which the solicitor behaved, I get the feeling they were trying to frighten you into handing over the money.
Thank you Charles, I shall do that. It has not been nice to be questioned as I have. `What was my relationship with John?` `What kind of things did I do for him?` Yes I believe the solicitors have been trying to frighten me but it is so unfair. I would never employ a solicitor as executor since these people seem only to care about themselves and have no interest in what John wanted. They are supposed to be acting on his behalf now he is no longer here but no-one seems to care except me.

Best wishes,
Oh dear, Kathleen, what a terrible thing to have to go through! I have seen the same thing happen to a neighbours belongings! It is so sad - in fact, when they had finished throwing things in the bin, we promptly went and got some things out! They were only sentimental, but I hated them just being thrown out!
It's all so easy for the people/relatives who 'care' from a distance - they know nothing about trust, love or caring. As I'm sure that my friend, Jean, was smiling at our antics, I only hope that John will somehow bring about help for you in this instance.
Your conscience is clear - but as Charles says, it may be wise to see a solicitor, just to see where you stand with all this x
"It's all so easy for the people/relatives who 'care' from a distance - they know nothing about trust, love or caring"

Sorry, Caring_Mind, I can't agree with you on that one. In fact, the people that Kathleen describes lived some distance away from her friend, but they surely aren't/weren't "caring" at all!

My own personal experience of caring "from a distance" was that it was flaming hard work which called for a high level of committment, not to mention many sleepless nights. I lived 150 miles away from my Dad, we talked at least twice a day on the phone (usually more often), I switched to part-time work and came home from London to the Midlands every weekend for nearly three years, at one stage spening over a third of my (not very substantiial) take-home pay on train fares. The wear and tear, both mental and physical, is something I don't think I've recovered from even now, nearly four years after moving back in with my Dad and over two years since he passed away.

I hope Kathleen manages to resolve this difficult situation asap.

Hello and thanks to those who have replied to this. I have heard nothing further from the solicitor as yet and hope never to hear again. House clearance people have been here and finally it is beginning to look less like John`s house at all, which is a relief to me. I am sad to see the cats still there as neither the solicitor nor anyone else seems willing or able to find new homes for them. They are being fed though and can find shelter in the garage.
When I feel sad I remind myself of what John would have wanted, what he would say to me if he were here and then I feel a bit better. I hope everyone is coping with their own situations.

Best wishes,
Sending you (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) it's such a sad time for you.

Karen x x
Dear Kathleen

a small thing - but if you are worried about the cats get hold of the RSPCA or the Cats Protection League - either will find good homes for the cats who must be missing their master.

I hope that you are coping with the loss of your dear friend and that you have heard the last from his 'caring' relatives.


Hello Sue and thanks for that. I have been in touch with many organisations. The RSPCA say they can`t take cats at the moment and they will be alright and the cats protection league know of these cats but are not able to take them either. The council only take dogs and as yet I haven`t found anyone. I feel solicitors should take care of these things when a person dies. In this case, as in so many, my friend loved his cats more than anything. Since they belonged to him just as much as money or property then I would have thought they would have been dealt with. This doesn`t seem to be the case here.

Best wishes,