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"Cope with out mum" thread - technical problem -Carers UK Forum

"Cope with out mum" thread - technical problem

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Sorry but we have a problem with PAGE 4 of the thread "I don't think I can cope without mum" started by RINTYG. The thread is not opening at the moment, this is a technical problem and I am looking into fixing it. If any of you have been following the thread nad want to post messages please do so below.

This can be a continuation of the thread.

Apologies for the inconvinience.

Where are you Rintyg?

Let us know how you are doing.

x x x
Hello Everybody!

I wrote a long reply for the forum but it went wrong somewhere along the line and I couldn't post any replies!

My sister brought me back on Thursday. I thought she would stay but she just came in to go to the toilet and then drove back to her house, leaving me to sort things out. I am not bothered in some ways because it is easier for me to sort out things by myself but there are loads of things to sort out. The bank have been good and just told me to take the funeral bill into them and they would arrange for it to be paid out of mum's account, so that's a worry off my mind. My sister has told me I will have to get the house valued for the probate form so that is the next job. I could just estimate the price but given the problems I am having with my sisters, I will get it valued properly.

It was my first day back at work today. I work in the hospital where mum died, so I found it a bit difficult going in. I only work in the office but part of me still thought mum was in there. I went up to the ward where she used to be treated to talk to the staff and I coped quite well really. Before mum died, I had applied to work from home because of my caring responsibilities. It got quite nasty as they didn't want me to work from home so I appealled. When I got to work there was an email saying a hearing had been arranged for today. Anyway, my boss said it had been cancelled but I could still have a hearing if I wanted. I don't know whether to bother or not now. In one way I want to have a hearing, but I think that really I have no chance of being able to work from home, especially as my mum has now died. Also, at least if I go to work, I have the company of colleagues to chat to etc. I feel bitter that they made it so difficult in the first place, when I really needed to be at home for mum.

Anyway, I am feeling amazingly ok at the moment but I do occasionally have blips where I get upset. My sisters aren't in regular touch with me really but they have told me that I can ring them if I want to. My aunty (mum's sister) lives in Sheffield and she has been in touch and is coming to stay the weekend after next.

My pets are all back from the kennels, all thinner than they were but happy to be home. At least having a dog and cats give you a sense of purpose because I have to get up and walk the dog and feed the cats etc. Sometimes, I do feel an overwhelming sense of panic about being on my own but in my heart, I know that mum couldn't have struggled for much longer because she was really struggling.

I think I have coped much better because of the support of people on this forum. If I hadn't had everyone to "talk" to I don't know what I would have done.
Hi Ringty,

Really good to hear how well you are coping. I think that you are right about wanting to go into work at the moment for the social side. Rather than attend a formal hearing would it be worth writing to explain the problems you had; it might just make it easier for the next person who finds themselves in a caring role.

That's a really good idea Alison. I have lots of evidence that I researched as well which contradicted all the reasons that my employer gave for not allowing me to work from home. I think I might make that available to my union, so that they can help other carers. I couldn't get help from the union as I hadn't been a member for long enough but I think all the documentation that I have got would come in handy for other carers.
Hi Rintyg, So glad you have posted as couldn't access your thread.
And to hear that you are doing so well is fantastic Image
Thanks Myrtle!

I am feeling much better. I am still worried about the house situation with my sisters but I am just taking my time with things at the moment.

For some reason, I am worse at night and have to force myself to go to bed. I think it is the quiet that I don't like! It's stupid I know but at least I have a TV in my bedroom so I can have it on as background noise. At least the mornings are getting lighter now and I am sure that it makes everybody a bit more positive to know that spring is hopefully coming!

I still have moments when I get upset and it is usually over silly things. For instance, yesterday I got upset when Songs of Praise was on! I also got upset when I saw a competition where entrants had to say how great their mum is. I suppose it is only to be expected though. I still get upset about things that remind me of my dad and he died 9 years ago. Music is my real downfall so I have to make sure that I listen to happy songs. Anything too slow and sloppy makes me burst into floods of tears!
Hi Rintyg,

Thanks for keeping us informed how you are doing.
I think its great you are going to make use of your research in a way that may help other carers.

Whatever happens with the house and your sisters please make sure you take legal advice.

x x x

I got really upset yesterday over something stupid. I know it is daft but I took some of mum's medications back to the chemist and when I turned around to walk out, I just couldn't stop crying. How daft is that? This morning some people have been to collect all her disabled equipment. I have been tripping over it for ages so I should be glad but I feel emotional.

My sister keeps ringing up every day to ask me whether I have started filling in the probate forms. She pretends to ring up for something else but within a few seconds she has asked the same question. Yesterday she just said "well everything will be split evenly 3 ways anyway"

I haven't lost hope yet though. Somebody has told me that there is something called promisory estoppel, which is some legal process where somebody has promised you something verbally so you can claim it. Obviously I will get legal advice but I keep hoping things can be sorted out amicably!
Morning Rintyg,

I know with everything you have been through and also going back to work that coping with anything else is probably the last thing you want to do.However,you really do need professional legal advice as soon as possible.At least this way you will know exactly where you stand.

As regards to your tears,you are not daft at all.You will get days when you feel like that and also days where you cope great.Just take each one as it comes and although just now you probably wont believe me, but the days where you get upset do get less in time.

Hows it going at work? All ok?

x x x