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Carer, Former Carer - Carers UK Forum

Carer, Former Carer

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Mum had been in her care home since July last year. Lately she'd been refusing food unless it was sweet and pureed, though she was still happy to nibble the chocolates and marshmallows I brought. I was experimenting, too, with disguising Fortisip as tomato soup (bad idea - it curdles).

On Sunday she slept through most of my visit there, but that wasn't unusual, so I just gave her a cuddle and left.

Monday I was overseeing the house clearance team at her flat. Tuesday I was all set to get the train for a trip to London, when there was a buzz on my phone. It was the care home - mum had told them she didn't want to get up so they made her comfy in bed. A few minutes later she'd passed away.

It was such a shock, and all the loudspeakers on the platform were blaring away and making it hard to hear.

At the moment I'm throwing myself into all the admin work that's needed. I'm so glad she didn't have to go through the ordeal of hospital but I so wish I'd been there with her.

I have my sons, who are being lovely, and I'm still a carer for the elder.

I take time out to walk and jog, and it's then I can find space to have a little weep.
StarFish_1502 wrote:
Thu May 02, 2019 5:16 pm
Mum had been in her care home since July last year. Lately she'd been refusing food unless it was sweet and pureed, though she was still happy to nibble the chocolates and marshmallows I brought. I was experimenting, too, with disguising Fortisip as tomato soup (bad idea - it curdles).

On Sunday she slept through most of my visit there, but that wasn't unusual, so I just gave her a cuddle and left.

Monday I was overseeing the house clearance team at her flat. Tuesday I was all set to get the train for a trip to London, when there was a buzz on my phone. It was the care home - mum had told them she didn't want to get up so they made her comfy in bed. A few minutes later she'd passed away.

It was such a shock, and all the loudspeakers on the platform were blaring away and making it hard to hear.

At the moment I'm throwing myself into all the admin work that's needed. I'm so glad she didn't have to go through the ordeal of hospital but I so wish I'd been there with her.

I have my sons, who are being lovely, and I'm still a carer for the elder.

I take time out to walk and jog, and it's then I can find find space to have a little weep.
So very sorry for your loss!!
Condolences to you
Sending lots of hugs.
It was nice although I quite sure. You would have wish very much to have been there. That your mother was comfortable and not alone.
What a dreadful shock for you, but how good for mum that she was able to say what she wanted, and she was tucked up comfortably in bed.
My husband died suddenly at 58, it too was a terrible shock, for me, but better for him.
Mum had reached the end of her natural life, I'm sure she knew that she was loved and cared for.
I have read that sometimes people deliberately wait until they are alone before passing away, it is sometimes referred to as the "final journey we all take alone".
It's a time of a "tumble dryer" of emotions, be kind to yourself.
My sincere condolences Starfish. What a shock but do try to remember that the last thing you did for her was give her a cuddle. Who could want more?
Kr
MrsA
Sorry for your loss, Starfish.

Take comfort that your Mum died comfortable and cosy in her bed, that she went peacefully and that although you didn't know it would be your last visit, you passed time together at the weekend and you gave your Mum a lovely hug.

Take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself, especially after this busy time has finished.

Melly1
Thankyou all for your messages. They help more than you can know.
Always here for you, and all carers, former or otherwise.
Remember you are not just getting used to the loss of a loved one, but of a job and lifestyle too.
Be gentle and caring of yourself
So sorry to hear of your sudden loss. If you were your Mum wouldn't you be happy this is how you went, quite possibly feeling you'd spared your children a bedside vigil and having just had a lovely weekend with your daughter/son. Terrible way to hear the news though, really stressful just trying to book a taxi from a train station so to be trying to take in that news in those circumstances is unimaginable. Don't forget the forum's always here when the admin ends (or any time you need it). I've often heard after the funeral is he worst time. Also the Samaritans will always listen if you need someone to talk to. You don't have to be suicidal.