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Burn Out - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Burn Out

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.

I have the opposite to you Im really frightened of anything happening to my husband, sons and even the dog!!! I have this fear that I will wake up one day and either my husband or the dog will be dead!!! Why do our minds behave like this? I also think of Mum when I'm out having a coffee as I used to try and take her out once or twice a week just to get her out of the house. Not easy when she was in a wheelchair. Then I think about how we would watch people and have a laugh and how much she enjoyed the little things like a hot chocolate and a cake despite the dementia. I would push her down a hill and she would go weeeeeeee just like a child on a slide or running down a hill!!!

Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Take care (((((( hugs))))) Image
You talking about the wheelchair is very close to home. I did the same as you to get
mum out, not long before her death. She had a push 3 wheeler before that, but her
breathing stopped her using it. so I got a wheelchair, it worries me if it caused stress
taking her out in it. The usual if I. if I. had of done this. or that. I suppose we will always
do this " if only."
I know what you mean some days she would hold on to the arms as if she was frightened she would tip out. Don't know about you but I'm feeling it now with back and shoulder problems all that lifting and pushing! I think I'm now beginning to understand how frightened she must have been some days. Trouble is then all the if only's start!!!!!

That also worries me that I might end up like that!!! When did we become afraid to live and not worry about the consequences?
Hi Goody and Minnie, Down day yesterday so didn't get online - lots of nightmares last night ending when I really thought I heard Mum call me - daft but I had to look into her old room then came back and cuddled the cat (Bella). I feel so far away sometimes both out and in the house very detached from everything and those around me. I think of something and then I have to try and remember what it was I just thought of! I qualified as an OAP last year so I'm not sure if it's just burn out or the mind is going! But like you lots of reading - I've always loved books - and more tv watching. Mum hated tv so I feel a bit guilty but I find the light or interesting stuff helps - Strictly, X-factor, frozen planet, QI etc. - it stops my thoughts going round. Dads headstone has been in place now for 18 months and looks really good but, although we ordered Mum's back in May, the new man responsible keeps getting the wording wrong! Finally yesterday he sent a correct draft and I've signed off on it but I really didn't need him or his excuses. I feel so guilty for whining as I was always 'the strong one' but it so helps. Do hope it's helping you too! Group Hug!! Image
Hi Solange,

I know what you mean about forgetting things I do start to worry that I may have the start of dementia!!! I think it's just going from doing so much and juggling too many balls to almost not doing anything. It's so difficult to learn to have a life again.

Had some physio on my back this afternoon and it was really good. No cracking of bones like the chiropractor just gentle manipulation so feeling pretty good today. Hope it lasts.

When Dad died they dug a double plot so they removed the headstone when Mum died and so far it hasn't been replaced. I guess the ground hasn't sunk enough yet. Will have to get in touch with the undertaker and ask him to give the stonemason a call to see what is happening. Need to do that on a positive day.
Hope you have a better day and night. Hugs all round Image
Hi Goody & Solange,
How are you both doing. I'm still getting the dreams. went to take mum her breakfast
into bed the other day. crazy. I cant seem to shake myself to do anything lately.
went out yesterday, and you think tomorrow was xmas day. keep seeing things mum
would like, regretting never getting her to certain shops. oh the usual. Hope you's are
feeling better than me.
Hi - me again. I made myself try and do the wallpapering yesterday, really nervy but cut all the paper to size, mixed the paste, got everything ready, found whoever last wallpapered had put the tools away without cleaning so the brush was rusty and the shears blunt. So collapsed in small heap,had a few tears, threw everything away and am getting a man in - I'm worth it! Time to look after me now ( strong words but wussy spirit - as someone one said 'under this stiff upper lip is a loose wobbley chin!')
Goody - glad to know your chiropractor helped your back, long may it last. I know what you mean about juggling balls for so long and now there's no need I go round feeling there's something I ought to be doing. I guess that accounts for that 'there's something I've forgotton' feeling that seems to be there all the time. Hope the headstone goes ok - I'm still waiting to hear back but the guy has other occupations and I'm not sure where his priorities lie.
Minnie - sorry to hear your having a bad time - Christmas with all the shops and ho, ho,ho is always going to be difficult. Maybe one day I will enjoy Christmas again but Mum was dying last Christmas, my sister's father-in-law the one before that and Dad the one before that so I'm planning on being pretty quiet and just getting through. I'll put my navity up though and listen to the carols and get pressies for the family and friends. I've been getting lots of cataloques sent in the post and, like you, keep seeing things Mum and Dad would have loved. In some ways it helps as it means I remember them when they would have been more aware.
Take great care of yourselves, Solange
Took a leaf out of your book Solange, done all the housework . now the house
is sitting pristine . with only me looking at it. I don't know, don't see the point
of anything any-more.
Goody- hope you are o.k., and your back is still good.
I was told today they are coming to collect the walker that mum used, 5 ,months on.
after death. I just left it sitting in the spare room, part of me wants rid of it,
and part of me
do's not want to part with it. stupid really , mum always hated it, crying now how
Hi Minnie & Solange

Been out of action for a few days Internet and phone went down. BT fixed it today it was corroded connection so at least there was no cost involved.

The back is improving thanks still doing the exercises. Go back to see her next week so we shall see what she says.

I know what you mean by feeling you've forgotten something somedays it really bugs you and you just can't think what it is and nine times out of ten it isn't anything at all.

I must admit that when Mum died in January I got rid of all her stuff. The walker went to Age UK charity shop so at least someone who needs it will get the benefit from it. Same with all her clothes. As she lived with us there wasn't much in the way of furniture etc. all the little bits of jewellery and other personal stuff I have boxed up. It's quite sad to think that nearly 88 years of a life comes down to a small box of bits.
I must confess I haven't done much crying since she's gone but I did a lot while I was caring for her. Most of that was anger and frustration because she had changed so much and wasn't my Mum anymore. I keep waiting for it all to catch up and sink in that she is really gone. May be it won't happen. I feel sad when I go to the cemetry and see this big mound that hasn't sunk properly yet. I need to get up there with the shears and cut the grass as it has now started to grow untidy.

Keep your chin up and hope tomorrow is a better day. Image
Hi goody and Minnie, I'm flu-bound at the moment so this may be a bit fuzzy. Watched Downton Abbey on Sunday so it's obviously the tv flu!
Minnie - when Dad died he had been bedridden for a year so there was a lot of stuff - they came to collect it the day after the funeral and I was still a bit frozen but as the man picked up the commode I just burst into tears and couldn't stop. Weird - you'd have thought I would have been glad to see it go plus some of the other stuff (some was transfered to Mum -like the high seat for washing etc). Poor guy, I kept apologising but I couldn't stop. In some ways when they came after Mum I was worse, I couldn't cry - I was outside myself, being polite, but not really there. Please take comfort from the tears and don't beat yourself up - it's normal, it's natural, you're a star! Image
Goody - so glad your back is improving - keep it up and take care of yourself. Like you I took Mums Sholley to Age UK - it was a bit worn but when I asked if they would like it they were so excited! I like to think that they already had some old love in mind who would make good use of it! I kept some of her clothes as we were of a size and it helps but the rest went. She was always a great collector of ornaments and pictures - some have gone and my sister keeps telling me we ought to get rid of the rest but I'm not ready yet. They were part of my life too so I am stonewalling for a while. Mum's grave is still high too but, after nearly a year, they will flatten it when they put the stone up then I'll plant round both graves with snowdrops and violets (their favourite flower).
Love and hugs to you both and all those looking in, Solange