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Burn Out - Page 5 - Carers UK Forum

Burn Out

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Thanks very much for the kind replies.
Hi Suki,

So sorry to hear your mum has passed away. In time you will take comfort in the fact that you were a loving, caring daughter to your mum, and could have done no more.

When my mum was "waiting for God" (her words, not mine) almost six years ago now we had a rota so she was never alone. The night she passed away I had gone to take a steak pie out of the oven for my OH and Dad for their dinner and shuddered as the heat from the oven mixed with an icy cold blast behind me. That was the moment mum chose to pass away, when no one was there. This has happened on numerous occasions during my years working in hospitals, so please do not feel bad that you were not with your mum at the very moment of her passing.

Take a day at a time and do only what you want to do, or feel you are able to cope with each day. Most of all, take time for yourself, and sound off on the forum whenever you want, if that helps. Finally, take comfort in the knowledge you are not alone, we are all here for you.

Take care
Meg
It's interesting how all our replies are so similar. My Mum was in hospital when she died. Had only been in there a few hours and I was told to go home. It was 1o'clock in the morning and I really wanted to stay, but at the same time knew there was nothing I could do. I was in shock as everything happened so quickly. Questions were being asked about resuscitation, medical history, medication my mind was on overload. We were in AEU waiting for a bed and in the end the nurse persuaded me to go. At that point Mum turned and looked at me and I think for a brief moment there was some recognition. By the time I had driven home and walked in the door I got the call that we all dread.its really strange it's as if they know we are there and then the minute we leave the room/hospital they feel the time is right to go.
I hope you find comfort Suki that we have all been in your situation and understand. It's almost a year now and I'm still finding it hard but things do improve gradually. It's a bit pot calling kettle black, but try to be kind on yourself. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, I know I am, I always feel a failure and think I should of been better as a carer but at the end of the day we are human too.
Thank you so much, it does really help to see that this seems to be something that happens alot.
I feel I must keep busy as when I stop and think I picture Mum and the time I found her 'gone'.
Still got the funeral to come, and so many things to worry about and deal with, and all with this awful pain.
Nights are the worst, when I go to bed I remember things she said etc. and start crying and can't stop.
And as she was in the room below me, an old house, I could hear her sleeping etc. and now just expect that, and expect her to call me. Sometimes hear it.
But I am sure many have been here and know exactly what I mean.
Thanks again all. x
So sorry to hear of your loss Suki. For some this might be something you will find hard to believe, but it is my own belief that no-one dies alone, someone always comes back for those who are at the end of their life. I have heard over the years that someone close to death sees someone from their past and I can assure you that when my Mum was near the end she was talking to her Mum and was quite content, so for anyone who is berating themselves that there was no-one with their loved one, there was. Suki, take each hour as it comes, there will be overwhelming feelings for many days and months to come, everyone who is a carer does the best they can with the information and skills they have to hand, you can do no more than that.
Shortly before my mum passed away she was telling the folks at her bedside (myself, husband and the minister) she couldn`t stay talking as she had to take her Dad`s lunch to him because if her sister went with it she would take a bite out the pie and mum would be in trouble as it was her turn to go.

Take care
Meg