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Burn Out - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

Burn Out

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Hello there!
I was going to start a new thread to say hello to all the older members who remember me, but after reading this thread will put it off for a while.
So many of my feelings have been written in this thread - like others, my Mother died back in January. The time has gone so quickly - 10 months already! I was/am a Carer for my two adult sons as well at the time I was looking after Mum. Then both of my sons seemed to get along quite nicely in their lives, which, I was so, so pleased about, but it left me feeling useless and not quite sure what to do with myself! When I fill in any form where it says 'occupation' - what do I put?
Lethargy - oh my goodness, I do a good bit of lethargic living! The place seemed so empty. I had lots of time to think - and yes, I thought (and still do) - did I do enough for her? Did she know that we loved her? Certain situations and conversations return, giving me cause to doubt the care which I gave her. Strangely enough, I didn't break down at the time and haven't really done so up to present day; think I'm keeping it all in and it seems a lifetime away now.
There have been a few 'comfort' times though.
My Mother was a great believer in TCP. She used it for everything! Dab it on, wipe it on.....whatever. Not so long ago now, my partner and I were in our van travelling to Blackpool for a long weekend, when suddenly....TCP....a strong smell of it! We don't use it; didn't even have any of hers that was left over. It lasted a while then went. Mother loved Blackpool - I like to think she went with us! Image That was weird enough, but talking with one of my sons afterwards, he said that he had smelled it too, while standing on his doorstep, waiting to go in.
Lately, I've begun to enjoy the extra time - Bryn, my dog goes for nice long walks and I can stop and enjoy the scenery instead of knowing I have to return by a certain time. Been doing some art work too - spent time on the computer being artistic in Photoshop; did some sewing.......think I've come to the stage where I miss Mum, but still talk with her while I'm doing these other things. Think I'm possibly going ga-ga!
I don't know if I'm going to head for a time when I do break down about her death, but I don't think so - I know she wanted to 'go' and she got her wish.
This is just to join in with this thread and to say that we all must feel the same way and I hope that you all will have some 'comfort' times and begin to enjoy the extra time and space which you have.
with love, Pamela xx
Hi Pamela,
Love the artwork.
Lethargy - oh my goodness, I do a good bit of lethargic living! The place seemed so empty. I had lots of time to think - and yes, I thought (and still do) - did I do enough for her? Did she know that we loved her?
I think like this all the time. I talk a lot to mum as well, so I think I
already am ga ga Image . I thought I heard mum say my name
the other day. thought it was my mind , but it was clear as anything. imagine smelling the TCP
like that.
I am slowly starting to enjoy my hobbies again. I never had time before, like all of us,
every sec. of my day was taken up.
Now I have too much time to think really, get things out of proportion a lot.
oh. well I hope time helps us all, nice talking Pamela, I'll stop moaning now.
Take care
Minnie x

Solange & Goody hope you are both o.k.
Hi Pamela, lovely to see you Image Image
Don't know what I did I wrote a reply but goodness knows where it's gone!!!!

I'm like you Pamela it's been 10 months and I don't know whether it will all catch up with me eventually. I shed so many tears when I was caring for her. I do all the what ifs and maybe's and sometimes you think was I good enough as a carer as I got angry and frustrated with struggling through each day.

I also have a son who I am a carer for. But like you he has now settled in a flat with a girlfriend and all seems to be going smoothly. Yes he rings everyday and we meet for coffee at least twice a week but after 15 years of hell and not knowing what was wrong with him. Now I manage his money which doesn't take long and then it's what do I do now? What am I, who am I? I'm not a full time carer I'm not retired but of an age where no one will employ me and quite honestly I'm not sure I want to do anything yet either! We go through such a turmoil of what should/shouldn't we do.

Take care everybody
Love Patricia aka Goody xx
Thanks to everyone who have shared their stories on here. I still have bad days but they are getting less as the weeks go on. I still cry nearly everyday over Mum, like many of you I wonder whether I did enough, I berate myself daily for not being patient enough and for not being better for her, the 6 months leading up to Mum's death were the worst months of my life, and I keep reliving some of the events. I think this is completely normal, and feeling guilty just means that you are a good person. I have dreams of her, sometimes I have to go through her death again, but mostly we are shopping or going out somewhere and she is back to normal again. I think in this situation we have to take each hour at a time and we can't really make anyone who hasn't been a carer know what it feels like for us. Again like most of you, every TV programme we watched brings back memories, and I think Christmas will be tough, as for the first time in my 45 years I will wake up on Christmas day alone. I have found that books written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross have helped a lot. Remember we are not just in grief for the person we lost, but the life we had good or bad and the person we were, and it will take time to know who we are again and where we belong. For me the worst aspect of all of this is coming home and not having her waiting for me, I don't think I will ever get used to being on my own. Thank you everyone for your input, you are all an inspiration.
Hi Rosemary

Everything you have said in your post today is so true to so many of us.

Christmas will be hard this year as will January ( the month Mum died ) then next year it will be all the firsts e.g. Easter, birthday etc hopefully after that we will be able to feel a bit better about ourselves and the care we gave them.

I'm on a bit of a high at the moment which is not good as I know after a while there will be a down. It's not a normal feeling of being content it's like a too much coffee buzzing in my head and rushing around as if there isn't a minute to spare!! Just hope I don't come crashing down at Christmas. I'm sure it will be fine, fingers crossed!

Here's too all the carers past and present and hoping that next year will be a better one for all.
Happy Christmas and best wishes for the new year. Image
I too came onto this forum after a long absence to thank the very kind people who helped me when I had posted some of my difficult times caring for my dear Mother.
I clicked onto this post and has helped seeing I am not alone in my feelings of grief.
I lost my Mum on the 27th Dec. after numerous spells in Hospital the last three months, ending up bed bound the last month she was out of Hospital.
She suffered so much in the end, but hardly complained and even had a little giggle with the carers who came four times a day.
I got angry with her at times, frustrated, tried to calm her and reason with her when getting paranoid about her tummy and getting on the commode.
Now I think of those times and feel awful.
I can't believe she is gone, and just want her back.
I go in her room where the special bed is still and just sit and cry and tell her I want her back.
My life had been on hold for many months, the last few I could not leave here as she needed me so much, was just me she wanted.
Now I feel my life is just nothing without her, and what is the point in life anyway when it just ends like this.
Hard to explain what goes through my mind. And yes it is still very raw and I think I am in shock still. And the moment she left us I was not next to her. Had left the room to do something. So I wasn't with her.
I am sorry I go on, but letting it all out to people who understand I know on here.
Funeral is not until 17th Jan. So something I dread too as I am not strong at all.
So many memories I just can't seem to cope with.
And I just feel the need to throw everything away as the things just give me more pains.
Thank you all who helped me when I came on, I was absent as I tend to just clam up when depressed and that is what I did.
My condolences to all on here. God bless you all.
Suki - Sorry about your mum, I am sitting here crying at reading your post it reminds me
so much of what happened with my mum. I sat with her at nights in hospital, but the
moment I went out of the room , was when mum went. so I can relate and understand
your mind right now. Be a bit more easier on yourself in the coming days, you will
need all your strength. a day at a time.
Take care
Minnie sending you big (((((((hugs))))))
So sorry about your Mum Suki. There is never a good time to lose those you love, but Christmas always seems the worst.
Be gentle on yourself and we are here for you in the coming days, weeks, for as long as you need us.
So sorry to hear about your Mum Suki. I know exactly how you feel. I too got very angry and frustrated with my Mum. She died Jan 17 2011 and I had and still have so much guilt going on yet I know I couldn't have done anymore. We care for people 24/7 and when that stops a huge gap is left and you just don't know what to do with all the time on your hands. Crazy thing is its what we yearned for when caring.
Take each day as it comes. If you feel like going out then do so, if you want to sleep or just be then that is also fine. Do what your body tells you and not what you think you should do.

Take care (((((((((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))