Bereft

[Sue_2003]

My mum died on 16 January

So much to sort out and so little inclination to do it

Don’t know what to do

[bowlingbun]

Sue, I'm sorry for your loss.
I had to arrange several funerals etc in a short space of time.
Start by deciding what needs to be done before the service, and what doesn't.
It sounds like you are falling over what I call The Cliff of Tiredness, or swimming through porridge.
This is normal, so is being really forgetful.
Write a list of everything that's worrying you. Shuffle it into order, and ask us "how did you...."
The forum isn't just for current carers, but for former carers too.
If, like me, you just can't sleep, tell your doctor. I was too stressed to sleep, but desperately tired. I had some gentle pills to help me relax, and fall asleep. Gradually I reduced the dose without any problems.

[Charles_2112]

Hi Sue. I'm sorry for your loss.

What you're feeling is absolutely normal. For however long you were caring for your Mum your whole day revolved around her needs. When she went into the care home, your daily routine changed but it was still focused on your Mum. She was the structure you built your life on.

And now that structure is gone.

So you need a new structure but can'[t see the point. You're probably feeling a bit guilty, too, about letting your Mum go to the care home.

Obviously there are big things you need to do first. Arranging the funeral is always tough, and contacting everywhere. When the death is registered, some of that can be taken off you so you don't have to worry about it so much.

The rest can wait a bit while you give yourself a little time.

Set yourself a few small targets - getting up at such and such a time. Get ready before a set time. Do a jobs list and check them off as you do them - each one is an achievement, but unless the tasks have deadlines, don't beat yourself up about how long they take. Just do what you can. And programme in a bit of time for you - pampering, chilling, whatever.

This is the time when part of what is going on is you're adjusting to a new situation. There's no roadmap, and everything's scary. Give yourself time. Take the time to take care of you.

[bowlingbun]

After I was widowed, I found a book called "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, primarily written for divorcees, but so much was relevant to me as well.
My concentration was very poor at the time, but this book was great, rather than long chapters, it gave short ideas, and exercises to work through.
Most importantly, encouraging the reader not to just fill your empty day with anything you could find, but to do something you REALLY wanted to do.
For me, having married at 19, and gone straight from my parents house to our first home together, everything had always been what we wanted to do together.
I made a list of places I'd wanted to visit, skills I wanted to learn, and experiences I'd never had.
Some were small, like learning how to sew an invisible zip, to large - I've now been to many islands in the Mediterranean. Some I loved, some I never wanted to do again.
For the moment, keep a notebook by your bed, and think about starting a diary, for your eyes only.
For the next month though, it's OK to sleep as much as you need. Grieving is so incredibly exhausting.

[Coleen_2203]

Sorry for your loss! I also lost my mom on 13th January after caring for her for 6 years I spent all day every day with her, now I am at a loss as to what to do with myself! Her funeral has been and gone and I feel like it was that much of a blur I feel like I didn't even attend it! I have been having to empty her house because the council gave us a date to give keys back! My dad passed away 6 years ago all his things were also still in the house so I feel like i have lost him as well all over again! Now all that has gone my childhood home my mom my dad! I am married and have 4 grown up children and grandchildren but I feel so lonely! I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore everyone else has gone back to work etc and I'm here stuck at home not knowing what to do with myself! I don't think anyone comprehends how I feel I know it's hard for everyone but it's so much more for me! I feel so sad! I just want my mom back

[Sue_2003]

Coleen. It’s so difficult. I now can do whatever I want but am exhausted. We didn’t have a traditional funeral - she cremated without anyone being there. We are awaiting the ashes so we can scatter them in a meaningful place. I feel guilty about this I am not sure she would understand. I simply could not face a funeral. There would in all probability be 3 attending. It would be too grim

[Charles_2112]

When my Mum's father died there were four of us at the funeral. Gill couldn't go because Dave was a babe in arms, so it was just Mum, Dad, my sister and me. My Dad had had a massive stroke about 6 months earlier, and hadn't relearnt to speak. It was bizarre. Mum had hated him, my sister too, Dad was smiling (which at the time was caused by the stroke) and I was the only one who was upset at all. The whole thing was over in less than 15 minutes. I'd rather he'd had no funeral than that, and I'd have lived with missing the funeral.

Not the same as your situation but pretty unpleasant and probably the only funeral where I didn't get proper closure. In your case, you'll get closure when the ashes arrive, so that's something. And I'm sure your Mum understands. Saying goodbye to someone you love is the hardest thing. Best to do it in a way that has a positive meaning for you both.

[bowlingbun]

Every situation is different, you did what was right for you.
Expect to feel very, very tired, forgetul, tearful after the funeral. It's really only then that you can slow down and you realise just how much too much you have been doing over the last few years. It's OK to feel like this.
Please don't volunteer for anything and everything to fill the empty hours.
Take your time and think what you have always wanted to do, and try some of those things.
I wanted to see a live show in Bournemouth. I went to see Katherine Jenkins, and was so disappointed. I guessed that she was pregnant!
I also wanted to learn how to put an invisible zip into a dress,and went on a sewing weekend. I was a bit nervous beforehand, but had a lovely weekend.
I also wanted to travel again, that was VERY scary, especially as I hate flying, but I've been to all sorts of places since.
Daring myself to do things just a little bit outside my comfort zone has become a feature of my life.
Try to take a short walk every day. I avoided my home town as I didn't want the inevitable "how are you?" questions, so I went shopping in the town where mum had lived instead. The fresh air will do you good.

[Sue_2003]

Thanks for your replies. There is some excellent advice I honestly never realised how tired I am. My mum was the last thing I thought about at night and the first thing in the morning. Now is the time to be kinder to myself. I think a few days away would do me good