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Re: Feel so selfish - Carers UK Forum

Re: Feel so selfish

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Guy from converter garage in Driffield, came to collect the magicbus today and I was fine till he drove off down the lane in it and then got so sad, went down to Joyful and just wept.
Been on phone to son i l, mum, who was talking about daughter and how she had gone round there to help her with babe etc. etc and she said that daughter had babyblues and hubby's passing was catching up with her.

I feel so awful now, I've been so wrapped up trying to cope with my own grief, I'd not given a thought that other people may be missing Mark too. Because everyone's so far away and not local, I don't see or feel their feelings.

Has anyone else done this? How do you stop getting so wrapped up in yourself? Can't stop crying now.
(((((hugs)))))) nana
No need to feel guilty at all, its a natural part of grief. You knew deep down inside that others would be missing him too, but it is not your job to be strong for them.
Cry all you want
xx
NanaNana,

It is very hard to grieve together.When a person dies, he/she is missed with a different sort of love and for different reasons by every individual in the family.

You have been the person who has had to do everything for your husband,now all of a sudden as well as the person you love not being with you, your life has changed beyond all recognition.

I am struggling to hold things together at the moment,I do a lot of crying,but do try to cry out of the family's way.

It doesn't matter how much you cry, tears coming out are better than holding all the heartbreak in.xx
Its not selfish at all. You have to deal with your own grief if you don't how can you help others with theirs.
Remember me talking about the "Six Month Low" when everything is sorted and dusted, and the "Widow Brain" and fog of grief is beginning to go, and all of a sudden it hits you? Sounds like that's where you have both arrived, just a bit early because you're both good organisers and have got it all more or less done already. Just buy more Kleenex, more nibble food, and if you don't feel like doing anything, then don't. As carers you had to be organised, do this, do that, do the other, from morning till night. Now you can relax properly, but you haven't relaxed in years, so this years task is to learn how to relax again. On the Way Up forum someone mentioned allowing themselves to just "Drift along with the tide" for a while, aimlessly going nowhere much. I like that idea. Just doing something because you can. So time to buy a good book, curl up somewhere nice, and try drifting.
NanaNana you are one of the least selfish people I know - for years you have put everyone else first without a thought of yourself and what you wanted, now it's time for you to think only of you for a while.

Crying is not weakness, it's nature's way of healing a battered heart - don't hold back the tears let them come.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
It's not the crying that I'm minding, it's the fact that I haven't thought about how anyone else is feeling. I feel that I should be giving them more support and hugs instead of just hiding away here with all my own stuff.
That's the selfish feeling I have.
It's still not being selfish NanaNana, it's just that you only have room to deal with your feelings for a little while.
Don't be so hard on yourself as they are probably going through exactly the same, thinking they are selfish.
(((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))
I agree with Myrtle - you need to put yourself first. After putting my daughter & her boyfriend first for the last few weeks, I'm realising this a little bit myself. They're only young and they expect me to be there for them, but as you know some of their ways of dealing with things are making me feel worse. As Booksey says, you've got to let yourself deal with your own grief, so that you can be of help to others.

Take care NanaNana, ((((hugs)))) thinking of you xxx