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Becoming A Former Carer

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:46 am
by Mark_18051
After caring for both my parents,my mother to some degree for two years until her death and for my father for over four years almost full time,after his admission to hospital a few weeks before Christmas it is apparent he will not be able to return home as his care needs are something I can no longer fulfill.After the relief of not having to get up in the night etc plus the usual caring duties I now feel at a bit of a loss.I am keeping busy with work etc the change in circumstances is something I am finding hard to adjust to.Do any posters have tips to help with the situation?I know it is early days as yet and I am sure it will pass but being very close to my father I am finding it difficult.

Re: Becoming A Former Carer

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:59 am
by Chris From The Gulag
Hi Mark.

Your new situation is only far too common ... a sense of loss in more ways than one.

Have a read of an old thread of mine ... written from a lone , male , prospective ... might be a few things in there that you
can relate to :

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... pect-31598

Your father ... care considerations ... CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare / NHS Nursing Funded Care ... any one may be appropriate
.... ever considered / offered ?

Your abode ?

If the worse happens , safe in your current home from a financial viewpoint ?

Just some initial thoughts ...

Re: Becoming A Former Carer

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:10 am
by bowlingbun
Hi Mark, I supported all four of our parents, as well has having a son with learning difficulties. It takes a long time to settle down again. It's only when you stop that you realise just how much you have been doing, and what an effect it's had on you.
I suggest getting a notebook (or opening a computer file) and writing down initially everything that you think about, large or small, then sorting it into clusters. Fore example:-

Top of my list would be Housing
"Where am I going to live"
How much will it cost me
Can I afford it


Sorting out future care needs for dad
Cost of that care
How will it be funded

My social life
Holidays
Clubs

Write down, for your eyes only, what you want most from the future. After I was widowed I read a book called "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate, mainly for newly divorced people, but there is a lot which is very relevant to a former carer or someone who is widowed. Usually available cheaply on Ebay.

Re: Becoming A Former Carer

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 11:34 am
by Dusty
I have been a former carer for a year. You might relate to some of the things I experienced, but we are all different, so please ignore anything unhelpful.

Please remind yourself (especially if no-one else is telling you) that you have done well to look after your father for so long. Even those 'good enough' days contributed. Accept, too, that you are grieving for many things although your father is still alive.

Please try to develop good routines. (Don't do as I do, do as I say! I still find it impossible to stick to a sensible bedtime and I am still not getting over the habit of broken nights.) Exercise of any kind, outside in daylight if you can fit it in, is good.

Are you agreeing to do anything on offer (coffee with a colleague, new group to join, helping dig flowerbeds in a local park, whatever)? You'll need to be more selective after a while, but temporarily seeking out new opportunities or going back to old ones will help.

Others will remind you that this is a place for former carers too - do keep posting.

Re: Becoming A Former Carer

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:04 pm
by MrsAverage
Hello Mark
As well as exercise (in some enjoyable to you form,), might I suggest doing some form of volunteering? I think most of us care because we are caring people and we do get pleasure and satisfaction from doing things for others. If volunteering with elderly is too close to home there's many opportunities with charities for various disabilities, or Scouts and youth clubs.
If 'people' related doesn't float your boat there are nature, animal and historical organisations too.

Even your local carers support would welcome you with open arms I'm sure, and they'd understand if you suddenly need to vist the Home more

Re: Becoming A Former Carer

Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:15 am
by Mark_18051
Thanks for your replies.It is early days with much to think about.