All on my own now

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I have been caring for my parent's for a very long time now. Mum is in a care home and I cared for Dad until he died at home. Anyone, who has ever cared for someone at home will know just how much work that entails and I was/am exhausted. Dad has gone now. I didn't realise quite how much the stream of carers (4 times a day) did for me. I think I was just so tired. I would dash around and do the things that I just couldn't do while I was on my owm. They were very kind and helpful but obviously that has all stopped now. I'm feel sad by the loss of Dad but the house is just so empty and quiet now. I'm going to the shopa on a daily basis just to have someone to talk to. I moved into my dads house to care for him and I just don't know anyone around here. I hope that everyone else is OK xxx
Hi Blossom ... an unfortunate welcome to the ranks of former carers still on this form.

Never an easy time ... initial emotions are the hardest for any of us to deal with.

One thread which may be of interest as to the immediate problems facing all at this time :

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... pect-31598


It's both brutal and honest ... exactly as life as it is in the new world that awaits you.

Never forget that the only person who can help you adjust is the face that leers back at you from a mirror.
Thank you Chris

I'll go and have a read
Hi Blossom
Sorry for your loss, I know what you mean about the empty house, you never think you will miss the carers but they do become a part of everyday life and your social environment especially when coming that often.
Since I lost dad at the end of last year I have taken on a second dog (my own dog is very elderly and I just couldn't face loosing her if I were here alone so newbie in training) , working more hours and am doing the house up slowly with a view to getting some students in. I hope you find a way forward over the coming months but please don't rush.
Henrietta wrote:
Sat Jul 28, 2018 12:57 pm
Hi Blossom
Sorry for your loss, I know what you mean about the empty house, you never think you will miss the carers but they do become a part of everyday life and your social environment especially when coming that often.
Since I lost dad at the end of last year I have taken on a second dog (my own dog is very elderly and I just couldn't face loosing her if I were here alone so newbie in training) , working more hours and am doing the house up slowly with a view to getting some students in. I hope you find a way forward over the coming months but please don't rush.
Thank you. I'm just going to go out now for a drive in the car. Just to have a break.
Hello Blossom
I was sorry to hear if your loss. Was it recent?
A carers bereavement is doubly difficult because it's not just the loss of a loved one, but of a job and a lifestyle too. And in your case I think Mum went into residential only recently too?

No wonder you are feeling bereft. You are probably in shock too, no matter how 'expected' it may have been.

Please do be kind to yourself, think of a simple little treat for each day, a new library book, a bunch of flowers, a dance in the rain, whatever you like. Look around for opportuniites such as a book club, a talk to attend, the local WI, ie places to go to start meeting new people
And don't be hard on yourself if you feel down, that is a natural part of things. You will slowly adjust to your 'new normal' and you can do it knowing you did your best for both parents, and for longer than most can cope with.

Do keep posting, former carers still always welcome

Kr
MrsA
Hi Blossom,
Lots of great advice above.

Just (((hugs))) from me.

Would you consider getting a pet? Great company, therapeutic, could be a way to meet people, unconditional love and you'd no longer be going home to an empty house. Just a thought.

Melly1
I agree - it really does take time to 'adapt' to a new kind of life, which you are now facing. You do feel the loss of the old life, even with all the work and worry it entailed, and of course you are mourning your father, and, in a way, your mum as well -

Little by little, you will start to build a new-phase of your life. As others are saying, start slow and gentle.

When I was widowed, I opened a file call 'New Life I don't want but have to accept', and in it I put any ideas I had, or cuttings from newspapers and so on, for example, calls for volunteers, or even solo holidays and so on.

Although you don't know the area, and your time was focussed primarily on care for your parents, there is a 'community' out there, so make a few careful forays. Some will work out, some won't.

For example, you could pick one of the charity shops, and ask if they are looking for extra help (most are!). Working in the 'back room' can be the easiest start - not customer facing, but sorting clothes and donations. It's usually a 'friendly bunch'.

Take a look at choirs in your area perhaps, or what is going on at your library? There are all sorts of things going on 'under the bonnet' that we often don't see from the outside.

Even if you don't think you're a 'joiner', give it a go.

Also, of course, do see if there are any groups for the bereaved, which there usually are. My hospice charity had one, and there is often one via the doctor's surgery.

Each 'venture' can lead to something else. If you like the countryside, try the Ramblers, etc. Or voluntary work in gardens.

As I say, there's a sort of 'underground world' out there, and once you have started to explore it, and started to make contacts, one thing will lead to another.

Don't be disheartened if some things don't work out, others will. As I say, like it or not, we DO end up 'adapting' to this strange new life of ours now.....
PS - Just a though, even if you are not particularly religious, you could try out church/chapel! Whatever one's opinions, there is usually quite a lot of social activity associated with churches/chapels. Chapels are often VERY 'convivial' (as well as welcoming), and after all, as you are bereaved, they will understand your sense of loss.

You may need to 'pick and choose', as some can be very 'happy clappy' and that may not suit everyone. I have a relative who tried out several before she found that one that suited her best.
MrsAverage wrote:
Sat Jul 28, 2018 7:53 pm
Hello Blossom
I was sorry to hear if your loss. Was it recent?
A carers bereavement is doubly difficult because it's not just the loss of a loved one, but of a job and a lifestyle too. And in your case I think Mum went into residential only recently too?

No wonder you are feeling bereft. You are probably in shock too, no matter how 'expected' it may have been.

Please do be kind to yourself, think of a simple little treat for each day, a new library book, a bunch of flowers, a dance in the rain, whatever you like. Look around for opportuniites such as a book club, a talk to attend, the local WI, ie places to go to start meeting new people
And don't be hard on yourself if you feel down, that is a natural part of things. You will slowly adjust to your 'new normal' and you can do it knowing you did your best for both parents, and for longer than most can cope with.

Do keep posting, former carers still always welcome

Kr
MrsA
Thank you so much for your reply. I like quite a few of those ideas. A friend of mine has been very kind and invited me to some of her family events. It's been a massive help - I'm very lucky. I went to the library today as well. I took out a book but it's quite a lively and friendly place. I got chatting to a lady who struggled with the automated borrowing machine. I'll probably go there again. I was looking at the U3A there's several groups by me all offering activities I might be interested in. I'm adjusting to the quietness in the house as well. There was a contsant stream of carers and nurses visiting Dad. I know that they were all only doing their job but I really enjoyed chatting to them. It's so strange when they just suddenly stop coming. That's been the biggest adjustment for me.