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Carers UK Forum • Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.
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Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 12:47 am
by Katie_1703123
Hello I’m not really sure how to start.
I’ve been caring for my mother who sadly suffered a major stroke in 2013. I was 22. I’m now 29 and need to get some advice about what to do in the long run. ( My father passed away whiten I was 4 years old ) She has a carer who she mostly refuses to get up for.
(This is funded by the government and mum gets 4 hours a day Monday to Friday as
They believe this is all she needs !!! 19 hours per week. Where I believe it is a lot more. ) I Work part time but go straight home to care for mum. My whole life revolves around caring for her. It’s getting very hard to keep going and I’m
So unsure and anxious about what to do next. I recently had one weeks respite care where mum went to a care home for one week. I’ve been asking the council for for over 7 years. Mum was fine but very annoyed and upset that I ‘put her there’ I felt so sad doing it as she always tugs on my heart strings but she can’t understand that I need a break.
She is not paralysed. But she is only 59 and has no memory. It’s like she is a little girl. There’s so much to explain. But I never wanted to put her in a home. I feel like it’s giving up on her. I’ve tried my best to look after her as best as I can, and keep a job going. Look after the house and my little sister and dog. but I don’t know how long I can keep going for. I love her so much.
I’m Working Monday to Friday and coming home each day to look after her in the evenings (from 3pm each day) I’m with her most weekends but I feel like I need to look after me aswell and I’m just not coping.
I’m 29 and on the top dose of anti depressants / anti anxiety pills just so I can cope.
My little sister is 26 and can barely look after her self. This has caused so many problems between us. And my sister is on pills aswell to help her cope. (She has been very ill through all this. Struggling to cope and suffering from alopecia)
Mum would never have wanted this for us. she would only have wanted us to be happy. But since her stroke she has changed and now cannot see that we are her children and need to have a life too.

I know it’s a long shot but I just want to know is there anyone out there who has gone through the
Same or is going through something similar?
It feels like I’ve had no help or understanding from social services and it would be nice to know I’m
Not the only person who is going through this!
If there is anyone out there who can offer me
Some advice or just support or help I’d be very grateful. I’m so scared putting this out there as I hate to ask for help!
But I’ve got nothing to lose and it would feel nice
To know I’m not the only person having to deal with this sort of thing.
Katie

Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 8:55 am
by Ayjay
There is a simple answer Katie: no-one has to care for anyone else whatever their relationship, if you no longer want to do it just tell that to the relevant people. You deserve to have a life of your own.

Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:58 am
by thara_1910
Katie_1703123 wrote:
Sun Oct 20, 2019 12:47 am
Hello I’m not really sure how to start.
I’ve been caring for my mother who sadly suffered a major stroke in 2013. I was 22. I’m now 29 and need to get some advice about what to do in the long run. ( My father passed away whiten I was 4 years old ) She has a carer who she mostly refuses to get up for.
(This is funded by the government and mum gets 4 hours a day Monday to Friday as
They believe this is all she needs !!! 19 hours per week. Where I believe it is a lot more. ) I Work part time but go straight home to care for mum. My whole life revolves around caring for her. It’s getting very hard to keep going and I’m
So unsure and anxious about what to do next. I recently had one weeks respite care where mum went to a care home for one week. I’ve been asking the council for for over 7 years. Mum was fine but very annoyed and upset that I ‘put her there’ I felt so sad doing it as she always tugs on my heart strings but she can’t understand that I need a break.
She is not paralysed. But she is only 59 and has no memory. It’s like she is a little girl. There’s so much to explain. But I never wanted to put her in a home. I feel like it’s giving up on her. I’ve tried my best to look after her as best as I can, and keep a job going. Look after the house and my little sister and dog. but I don’t know how long I can keep going for. I love her so much.
I’m Working Monday to Friday and coming home each day to look after her in the evenings (from 3pm each day) I’m with her most weekends but I feel like I need to look after me aswell and I’m just not coping.
I’m 29 and on the top dose of anti depressants / anti anxiety pills just so I can cope.
My little sister is 26 and can barely look after her self. This has caused so many problems between us. And my sister is on pills aswell to help her cope. (She has been very ill through all this. Struggling to cope and suffering from alopecia)
Mum would never have wanted this for us. she would only have wanted us to be happy. But since her stroke she has changed and now cannot see that we are her children and need to have a life too.

I know it’s a long shot but I just want to know is there anyone out there who has gone through the
Same or is going through something similar?
It feels like I’ve had no help or understanding from social services and it would be nice to know I’m
Not the only person who is going through this!
If there is anyone out there who can offer me
Some advice or just support or help I’d be very grateful. I’m so scared putting this out there as I hate to ask for help!
But I’ve got nothing to lose and it would feel nice
To know I’m not the only person having to deal with this sort of thing.
Katie
You do not have to continue. I also care for a family member. I have found it hard at times, especially in the beginning when I was definitely overwhelmed. Have you had a needs assessment done or not? Talk to the paid for carer, they should be able to help you figure out what to do now. Everyone needs a break as well. I'm also a young adult carer.
Is she on benefits? Have you applied on her behalf? The most useful one worth applying for is PIP, personal independence payment. Citizen's Advice can help with all things benefits. What are your hobbies? Alternatively you could look at other local care companies.

.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 2:59 pm
by Honey Badger
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Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:34 pm
by bowlingbun
HI Katie,

Welcome to the forum, I do hope we can make things better for you.
You must not sacrifice your whole life to care for mum.
To help us give best advice, I'll ask a few straight questions.
Who owns the home where you all live?
What benefits does mum claim?

Can you tell us what, if anything, mum does for herself?
Is she more or less stuck in bed all the time?
Can she take herself to the toilet, of have a bath/shower by herself?
Can she prepare any food for herself?

I'll be back tomorrow.