[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Carers UK Forum • Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.
Page 1 of 1

Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 12:47 am
by Katie_1703123
Hello I’m not really sure how to start.
I’ve been caring for my mother who sadly suffered a major stroke in 2013. I was 22. I’m now 29 and need to get some advice about what to do in the long run. ( My father passed away whiten I was 4 years old ) She has a carer who she mostly refuses to get up for.
(This is funded by the government and mum gets 4 hours a day Monday to Friday as
They believe this is all she needs !!! 19 hours per week. Where I believe it is a lot more. ) I Work part time but go straight home to care for mum. My whole life revolves around caring for her. It’s getting very hard to keep going and I’m
So unsure and anxious about what to do next. I recently had one weeks respite care where mum went to a care home for one week. I’ve been asking the council for for over 7 years. Mum was fine but very annoyed and upset that I ‘put her there’ I felt so sad doing it as she always tugs on my heart strings but she can’t understand that I need a break.
She is not paralysed. But she is only 59 and has no memory. It’s like she is a little girl. There’s so much to explain. But I never wanted to put her in a home. I feel like it’s giving up on her. I’ve tried my best to look after her as best as I can, and keep a job going. Look after the house and my little sister and dog. but I don’t know how long I can keep going for. I love her so much.
I’m Working Monday to Friday and coming home each day to look after her in the evenings (from 3pm each day) I’m with her most weekends but I feel like I need to look after me aswell and I’m just not coping.
I’m 29 and on the top dose of anti depressants / anti anxiety pills just so I can cope.
My little sister is 26 and can barely look after her self. This has caused so many problems between us. And my sister is on pills aswell to help her cope. (She has been very ill through all this. Struggling to cope and suffering from alopecia)
Mum would never have wanted this for us. she would only have wanted us to be happy. But since her stroke she has changed and now cannot see that we are her children and need to have a life too.

I know it’s a long shot but I just want to know is there anyone out there who has gone through the
Same or is going through something similar?
It feels like I’ve had no help or understanding from social services and it would be nice to know I’m
Not the only person who is going through this!
If there is anyone out there who can offer me
Some advice or just support or help I’d be very grateful. I’m so scared putting this out there as I hate to ask for help!
But I’ve got nothing to lose and it would feel nice
To know I’m not the only person having to deal with this sort of thing.
Katie

Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 8:55 am
by Ayjay
There is a simple answer Katie: no-one has to care for anyone else whatever their relationship, if you no longer want to do it just tell that to the relevant people. You deserve to have a life of your own.

Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:58 am
by thara_1910
Katie_1703123 wrote:
Sun Oct 20, 2019 12:47 am
Hello I’m not really sure how to start.
I’ve been caring for my mother who sadly suffered a major stroke in 2013. I was 22. I’m now 29 and need to get some advice about what to do in the long run. ( My father passed away whiten I was 4 years old ) She has a carer who she mostly refuses to get up for.
(This is funded by the government and mum gets 4 hours a day Monday to Friday as
They believe this is all she needs !!! 19 hours per week. Where I believe it is a lot more. ) I Work part time but go straight home to care for mum. My whole life revolves around caring for her. It’s getting very hard to keep going and I’m
So unsure and anxious about what to do next. I recently had one weeks respite care where mum went to a care home for one week. I’ve been asking the council for for over 7 years. Mum was fine but very annoyed and upset that I ‘put her there’ I felt so sad doing it as she always tugs on my heart strings but she can’t understand that I need a break.
She is not paralysed. But she is only 59 and has no memory. It’s like she is a little girl. There’s so much to explain. But I never wanted to put her in a home. I feel like it’s giving up on her. I’ve tried my best to look after her as best as I can, and keep a job going. Look after the house and my little sister and dog. but I don’t know how long I can keep going for. I love her so much.
I’m Working Monday to Friday and coming home each day to look after her in the evenings (from 3pm each day) I’m with her most weekends but I feel like I need to look after me aswell and I’m just not coping.
I’m 29 and on the top dose of anti depressants / anti anxiety pills just so I can cope.
My little sister is 26 and can barely look after her self. This has caused so many problems between us. And my sister is on pills aswell to help her cope. (She has been very ill through all this. Struggling to cope and suffering from alopecia)
Mum would never have wanted this for us. she would only have wanted us to be happy. But since her stroke she has changed and now cannot see that we are her children and need to have a life too.

I know it’s a long shot but I just want to know is there anyone out there who has gone through the
Same or is going through something similar?
It feels like I’ve had no help or understanding from social services and it would be nice to know I’m
Not the only person who is going through this!
If there is anyone out there who can offer me
Some advice or just support or help I’d be very grateful. I’m so scared putting this out there as I hate to ask for help!
But I’ve got nothing to lose and it would feel nice
To know I’m not the only person having to deal with this sort of thing.
Katie
You do not have to continue. I also care for a family member. I have found it hard at times, especially in the beginning when I was definitely overwhelmed. Have you had a needs assessment done or not? Talk to the paid for carer, they should be able to help you figure out what to do now. Everyone needs a break as well. I'm also a young adult carer.
Is she on benefits? Have you applied on her behalf? The most useful one worth applying for is PIP, personal independence payment. Citizen's Advice can help with all things benefits. What are your hobbies? Alternatively you could look at other local care companies.

Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 2:59 pm
by Honey Badger
When it is said and done if you are not able to take care of your mother that is not your fault, you never asked for the responsibility, it was just thrown upon you.. and nobody can prepare for that. Even willingly you should never had been placed in such an overwhelming position of dependency from another because it is like a slow bomb, with your mental/physical/emotional vitality as the fuse, we are human after all and even the most well intended among us have limits.

People outside the environment of care assume by large when we talk about the absurd hours we put in, its just sitting there holding somebodies hand, or maybe making a cup of tea. They won't hear nor believe the less glamorous side of things (notable example being continence related tasks and aspects of personal care) as if they believe the cared for person who can't look after themselves magically managed to do those things independently.

I feel there is no right/wrong decision in this, I think you need to make the decision which best suits you/your family, and thats it, satisfying the need of an outcome for others is irrelevant because those others don't have to deal with the adversity day to day you do.

One thing I will say is, your mother is very young, and you must consider that with good support, providing health remains stable (which is not unheard of even given the dire circumstances) she could potentially live for another several decades, there are carers amongst us looking after centenarian family members,

This is a difficult enough task with a loved one that is "compliment" and understands why you need to assist them, it is many times worse with a loved one that may not understand or may constantly need re-assuring of why you have to help them, worse yet run the risk of becoming combative

My own mother (not much older than your own, full capacity but poor physical health) opted to move into care because she had lost faith in the capability of agency care, family members is not an option (I have other caree's, and also considering personal boundaries and so on) Its never going to be the same as living at home but she is happy there, is accessible to others.. and maintains about the same level of independence for now.

For starters if living at home is to be made practical, the package of care needs to be sorted out. You have to be persistent but they will know ultimately it is more fiscally viable (yes sorry money is their motive) to support mum at home than in a care setting. This should encompass a care needs assessment for your mother, and carer assessment for yourself, if you look after your sister as well this should also be considered.

If your mothers needs are significant they should be looking at NHS continuing healthcare as a means of dealing with costs associated with care (unlike local authority care is NOT means tested, and anyone needing assistance is supposed to be at least assessed for eligibility for it)

On the benefit side of things, your mother should be eligible for PIP and ESA (under the Universal credit umbrella) so long as she lives at home, up till reaching pension qualifying age. Although this does change if she ends up living in care.

There are various calculators such as https://www.entitledto.co.uk/ which can help you figure things like this out, as well as the likes of disability grants (home improvements), council tax disregards and so forth.

Last, but certainly not least, your right to your own life. While I completely understand the compelling nature of wanting to look after loved ones, you also have to consider your own life in this, both while caring and should the time comes that role ends. Nobody can force you to do this.

Best wishes to you and your family

Re: Young carer need advice please. Carer for Mother.

Posted: Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:34 pm
by bowlingbun
HI Katie,

Welcome to the forum, I do hope we can make things better for you.
You must not sacrifice your whole life to care for mum.
To help us give best advice, I'll ask a few straight questions.
Who owns the home where you all live?
What benefits does mum claim?

Can you tell us what, if anything, mum does for herself?
Is she more or less stuck in bed all the time?
Can she take herself to the toilet, of have a bath/shower by herself?
Can she prepare any food for herself?

I'll be back tomorrow.