sad news made worse by the system

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Jenny - yes, I agree with you! but I was confused about all the personages involved in the case.
Greta, sorry re confusion. I guess if I'm pointing the finger at anyone it is NOT the bereaved or the deceased for having the religious beliefs they have - it is at those who 'control' their religions who 'put emotional pressure' on their congregation in respect of insisting (if they do - hopefuly they do not!) on following particular rituals that are either impossible or very difficult to carry out, because they live in a country not specifically focussed or adapted to those particular faith requirements!

To me, the onus on all religions is to adapt to the civil regime, not the other way round!

That said, IF the civil regime can easily and cheaply do some adapting of its own, well and good, but the primary onus is on religion to take 'second place' to civil society.

But, that is only my 'secular' opinion. Some folk do prefer to live in theocracies, even 'enclaved' in other societies.

(I think, too, that the whole issue of religious rituals and rules is very double edged - in one sense keeping them going reaffirms and identifies faith holders, in the same way that, say, singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot identifies and binds together England Rugby team supporters! - but in another sense most of them were derived from highly 'civil' requiremetns - ie, nothing to do with God, and mostly to do with health and safety - eg, the rule about swift burials for Jews and Muslims derives from the HSE issues of bodies in hot climates, ditto re the dangers of pork-transmitted parasitical disease in hot climates, etc etc. They are nothing to do with 'God' per se, just sensible precautions in those particular circumstances.)

(But this is a big, big issue and I've veered the discussion way beyond Lars, so apols!)
Guys, thanks for all the supportive messages and interesting discussion!

The funeral actually went ahead as planned, in fact the coroner was quite sympathetic once actually spoken to, so all went well.

As you say, hopefully she's in a better place. I'll take it one day at a time I think, but I'm glad that at least you guys think I did my best for mum. It's easy to be hard on yourself in this situation.
Compare yourself to my brothers. One drove about 60,000 miles a year with work, but was "too busy" to drive 60 miles to see her, even when he knew she was desperately ill. My other brother would only come back to the UK every 2 years or so, and then tell me what more I should be doing for mum!!
Of course you are a good son, doing your very best. I'm glad the service was OK, allow yourself to "tread water" for a while, then plan a special treat for the summer. Don't be surprised if the 6 month mark is especially difficult. If you expect this, it will be easier to live through.
jenny lucas wrote:
Wed Feb 07, 2018 6:43 pm

But if your mum had faith, then, for her, she truly is in a much, much better place now - freed from her infirmities, from old age, and she is with those who loved her first, her own parents, and she will be feeling as joyous about being with them again, as one day you will be about being reunited with HER......that is what we must always thinks of, always keep in our heart.

You were a son to be proud of, as well as loved - and that is a compliment only a mother can give you. Wear it with pride, and honour, for her sake.
I like that a lot -I will be proud & honour her, thanks Jenny - most kind thoughts x
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:18 pm
Compare yourself to my brothers. One drove about 60,000 miles a year with work, but was "too busy" to drive 60 miles to see her, even when he knew she was desperately ill. My other brother would only come back to the UK every 2 years or so, and then tell me what more I should be doing for mum!!
Of course you are a good son, doing your very best. I'm glad the service was OK, allow yourself to "tread water" for a while, then plan a special treat for the summer. Don't be surprised if the 6 month mark is especially difficult. If you expect this, it will be easier to live through.
Well that certainly puts it in perspective! You're right to make that comparison with your brothers. Between me & my siblings, with some prompting all round, we managed to have an informal system where someone would visit her every weekend. A couple of us live a couple of hours travel away, so weekdays weren't regularly viable (though of course we all tried when she was in hospital those many times). So not so bad when you look at it like that. She also was as sharp as a tack right to the end, which after reading the forums, is not to be sniffed at!

And sincere thanks for the kind words. We've got some holidays planned over Easter & summer. When I was planning them I was dreading a worst case scenario around those times. At least that didn't happen and I was around at the end. Some comfort, I think.

Funnily enough, I was talking to my sister in law saying that when I lost my dad many years ago, I was OK at first, as I was focusing on my A Levels. it was after 6 months that it hit me, during my first year away from home at Uni. You're making a similar point here. I was already expecting it! The immediate days after the funeral were hard. When we cleared up her flat, we found a poem on a card which I've written in another thread. Mum has packed stuff away for each of us. A ring she left came with a note "With love from mum. God bless". Clearly she had in mind she wouldn't be around when I read that. Kind of nice, kind of hard to read. Some evidence of faith, which helps me a bit, though interesting she didn't write "Allah!"
There is no hurry to do anything now. Take your time, allow the tears to flow, they are tears because you have loved, and lost. I put a brave face on every day, cried buckets in the evening, especially when my husand died.
If it's a rented flat, get some Reallly Useful Boxes, stack papers you need to keep in them and take them home to be dealt with as and when, to avoid them "hijacking" your task of emptying the place.