Please help, mum has cardiovascular dementia

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Hi, I'm new to this website please be gentle... I'm 40 and my mum is 80 with vascular dementia. I care for her, only really verbally for now, making sure she's still conscious, that she's feeling ok. She's had a mini stroke last year, before it she was fine with being alone for a few days while I visited my partner, she had the mini stroke and now demands me to be at her side 24/7, she goes crazy when I fiver her advice on a carer could come in to help her, even a food company to bring in hot, fresh food every day. I am disabled myself with physical problems. I met my gf 3 years ago and we have always spoken about moving out together, getting married, but of late, my gf is getting very sad thinking I do not want to move out yet she really does understand everything. My mum is so dependant on me it's ruining my relationship with my gf. I want to start my own lil life now with her, yet I'm worried and highly stressed out about leaving my mum. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother that can come in (whether or not they do is a different story) as both of my sister's have not come in for years to just have a coffee and a chat. Because my mum refuses every single bit of help that I have tried to get for her I feel like just going, when I lay in bed it's on my mind that if I did leave my mum will just slump down and fade away. I love my gf to pieces also and only want to finally be with her....

I think I have maybe 4 - 8 months left with my gf as it stands, I know I'll lose her if I remain at home not being appreciated for the help I give mum (that is mum herself, she's awfully twisted at times)

What have you guys gone through like this? And did you get through it?
Promise your GF that things are about to change, we should be able to help. As it's late, can you tell us
Does mum have savings over £23,000 Yes/No
Own her home?
Do you have power of Attorney?
Do you have your own/rented flat or home?
More tomorrow when we have this information.
Nat, hi, sadly it's very common for the elderly to refuse any help other than from their children. For some reason they seem to think that being cared for by their children 'doesn't count', whereby to have 'strangers' (ie, professional care workers) come in is somehow 'demeaning' or whatever.

If we had a fiver for every time someone posts saying 'My mum/dad doesn't want any strangers, only ME....'we'd all be RICH!!!!

I'm afraid the only answer is to 'over-ride' your mother. She will NEVER agree to 'strangers' helping her.

Add to this the dementia and she simply cannot understand any more. For that very reason, you cannot do what she wants any more. I'm sure you love her, but she is, as you are aware, destroying your life. She doesn't 'mean' to, but she is.

Go and see your doctor, and see what needs to be done to get outside carers coming in regularly to look after your mum.

It could be that she can continue, for a little while, to live on her own, but, sadly, she will probably soon (if not already) need to go into a care home. Dementia is 'terminal' in the sense that it just gets worse and worse, and if 'something else' doesn't cause her death (eg, more strokes, heart attack, etc), then the dementia will, eventually, 'close down her brain'.

(With my MIL, her dementia which was diagnosed when she was 89 three years ago, has now declined to the point where she cannot talk, or walk - her brain is forgetting how to do these things. Eventually it WILL kill her.....)

It's desperately sad, but there it is. Dementia reaches the point where no single person can care 24x7 for a very ill person (which is what she wil lbe, once the dementia is that bad).
Hi 6808...

Mum has what I'd say borderline Dementia at the moment, she says some really nasty sick things at times, believes that my gf is immature all because she want's me to live with her (me wanting to live with her too) mum can make herself drinks, make basic foods still, and yes, she just can't or wont see that she is killing my relationship, I still love her dearly of course and am worried for her because we live in a 3 bedroomed council home, my partner is at uni and lives with us 5 days of the week and goes home at the weekends. I have had things thrown at me by mum, hurtful things said, she's said some really evil things about a cat we adopted that was homeless and she's even said to me (you know what, if I have a turn I could come up behind you with a knife and stab you in the neck as I wont know who you are)

I feel lost and torn to pieces with all of it. My partner is a 1 in a million :) and makes me feel happy again when I get sad with it all, I just, hate the thought of getting to say, age 50 if mum lives another 10 years, then looking back at chances I had to be happy but did not take them, I'll be over the hill at that point. I want to do a open University course but I simply can't no time to do anything. My mums biggest excuse to have me with her 24/7 is "I may have another stroke and you won't be here to do anything"
Sorry "Hi Jenny"
Nat, maybe your mother's behaviour is due to dementia,but maybe she has some form of mental illness as well. Or, of course, she's just plain nasty.

Has she always been this malicious towards you etc? What was she like when you were much younger?

She sounds both possessive of you and jealous of your girlfriend.

Personally, I think you should leave your mum, and move in with your girlfiriend in your own place together, and get on with YOUR life. What is your financial situation? Is this possible? Are you in paid employment, and if not, can you get paid employement. In other words, can you live independently of your mum (and of your girlfriend!)(ie, financially independent)(not relying on her income).

As I say, it could be that your mum can continue for a while to live in her home, with care workers coming in, but if that proves impossible then residential care will be the next step.

Should you give up, say, the next ten years of your life to look after her. I would say a categorical NO.

The trouble is, you just don't know how long your mum will live, or how bad she will get before she dies. I had to make the same call with my MIL when at 89 she developed dementia - she required me 'all the time'. If I had known FOR CERTAIN that she would only last a year longer I'd have set that year 'aside', and looked after her till the end.

But I didn't know - and in fact, she's still aliv eover three years later (dementia VERY bad now).

To me, I made the right call in putting myself first, and refusing to look after her (she went into a home). My basic argument was that at nearly 90 she had HAD her life - I was 30 years younger, and I have NOT yet 'had my life'.

It's sa,d but there you are.
PS - and my MIL was a LOT nicer than your mum sounds!
Hi Jenny,

Well, growing up my dad was a horrific gambler, so he always wasted the money, but mum found money and took care of me the best she could, but there was a few odd times she was a lil nasty, around age 64 odd, 1st lil signs of it I guess. 5 years ago I said to her, hey, I'm thinking of moving out, she said: you wont last without me, you'll be back, I thought was a nasty thing to say. I think I'll have a meeting with my siblings to say to them that they have to now take over, they have had there life now also, marriages, kids, houses, mortgage etc etc all aged 61, 58, 57.

She's literally got no friends left, majority have died, she has her nice side though, kind and caring a few good times... I think the same as you that she is jealous of my partner, my partner has cerebral palsy and 2 other conditions and has to use a wheelchair yet her mum is very! supportive of us and a home for us, mum see's that as a threat, she even said that I will make stuff up and tell her that you hate her mum so that on her mind she might possibly break us up.

Perhaps I'll warn mum, if you can't let me go and if you remain nasty about it all and break me and my gf up, then whatever happens I'll still leave and never look back.

Yeah, your MIL at least sounds not bad, my Uncle passed away a few years ago of the same condition, he is younger than her, the 1st signs, forgetting things, to being verbally nasty to others, to then forgetting people and being violent.
You describe this as "borderline" dementia, but has she been to see the doctor for a scan? This would show exactly what is going on inside her head. Maybe talk to her GP? He might refuse to discuss mum with you, if you don't have Power of Attorney, but he should listen to your concerns.
If mum is living in a council house, having succeeded the tenancy from dad, were you aware that you would not be allowed to stay there? The council might, might, agree, but too many people here have been made homeless within weeks of caring ending. It's really important that you have a home of your own somewhere else.
Give up any hope of mum agreeing to anything willingly, or of siblings helping. The only power mum has over you is the power you let her have, so don't let her boss you around. You are her son, NOT SLAVE! You can't be forced to care, you could walk out today and never go back and no one could force you to go back.
Spend some time developing an escape plan, and getting mum what she needs - so write down everything you do for her, for your eyes only, and then work out who can do these jobs instead of you, or the jobs which can be abandoned completely.
Ask yourself if it's realistic for mum to stay where she is, on her own. Would it be better for her to live in a bungalow, sheltered housing? Does it have a garden to look after? Does mum wear clothes that need ironing? Have a dishwasher (other than you), a tumble dryer or washer dryer to make laundry as easy as possible?
Does she have over £23,000 in savings (Yes/No) This is the level at which Social Services would expect her to pay for her care.
Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
Hi Bow,

Dad moved out of our place when I was 11, she gets attendance allowance thus why I applied for carer's allowance. When I told mum about me possibly moving out a few months ago she said: do it, I'll tell them you don't care for me anymore.

She was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years ago, she had a scan that showed a tiny tiny blood clot on the brain. Then last year had a mini stroke.

She's, caring at times, then goes and ruins it by saying something awful seconds later, I'm constantly walking on eggshells, I'm not allowed to feel sad, not allowed to show any emotion else it's always "my fault" then for making an "atmosphere" I used to just be able to not show anything, but now things are getting worse and she acts like this.

Example, my gf has those issues above in the other posts, she's had a bad life up to now, she's quite insecure, thus she's a very cuddly type of person, yet to mum she's immature and wont let me have any room (jealousy I think) if we have a lil hug between hands being dealt playing cards, watching a film, mum looks at me and gives such a expression if disgust and frowning, if anything that we do, it's wrong, whatever I do, it's wrong, whatever I say, whatever I do if it's not to her liking it's wrong. Everything must be done to her liking, if not she'll have a tantrum, run to her room, slam the door and be verbally bad, and still, it's all my fault.

I can't breath....