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WHY DO YOU CARE ? IS IT LOVE OR MONEY ? - Page 6 - Carers UK Forum

WHY DO YOU CARE ? IS IT LOVE OR MONEY ?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
83 posts
The past fifty years has seen the extended family fragmented to such an extent that the average household is now about two people only, with around 30% living in single person households. Much of that is economic pressure, some of it a declining birthrate, much is increasing affluence and choice ... well nobody wants to stay living in their parents home for too long, do they - children need to fly the nest. However, this is at considerable cost and we are paying the price.

Divorce is now very common - its not always a bad thing, but it does create challenges. Once the family and community was literally "social security" - the strong supported the weak, knowing that their own turn might come. Charities, the parish, and the dreaded workhouse plugged the gap. In my part of Scotland many families still live close to their relatives, in the same town where they were born, and many people provide support to unrelated neighbours just as we helped our neighbours when we were children. But the task of caring isnt always shared fairly, someone often draws the short straw. (In the old days it was often the younger, unmarried daughter).

Ideally we need to encourage social policies that support the family to care for each other, but also provide a good safety net for those who don't have the luxury. The problem then is how to do this equitably, both in terms of the family, and also the state; as we are all finding.

In my views the human rights act should cover carers too - nobody should be caring (at the heavier end) for more than 40 hours a week unsupported by either the family, or the state, or both. And the Direct Payments system is unfair because you cant employ co-resident carers, that needs to be changed too.

As for abuse, there will always be differences of interpretation, but I agree about the family privacy issue. But not to the extent of serious abuse going undetected or unremarked. So, how should we approach this tricky subject?
Because I love my husband I sometimes get angry with him, for example when he will not comply with treatment, does that constitute psychological abuse, apparently it does. Equally as a disabled person I too am deemed to be vulnerable so if my husband is nasty to me I too am apparently being abused. Neither of us would agree with that definition we are simply a married couple with normal interactions some of them negative.
Oh Annie! I disagree with that hun, I would not say that constituted psychological abuse, you are only frustrated because you want what's best for him and you have a difference of opinion! Image Besides you are only human, and are taking on the job that would be shared by a team of people, if you did not care for him, so a Carer is bound to have their off days sometimes, we are only human after all. I think you are an excellent Carer!

I feel that I have an equal partnership with the family member I care for and would always come to any agreement together. I always want what's best for them. Even if someone is being Cared For, they have their rights too.

If my Caree is having a bad day, it is tough but they main thing is not to take it personally, after all it isn't much fun in being in their position.

I disagree with Elder Abuse or bullying in any shape or form and I find it all shocking and upsetting & heartbreaking. I think abuse happens when a person acts wilfully and deliberately and is often an abuse of power, I think something should be done about it.
Lola, neither of us would deem it to be abuse whether my husband is angry with me or I am angry with him, I am really illustrating the absurdity where abuse can encompass normal family inter-relationships but because one, or even both, of the members of the family are deemed vulnerable, although neither might believe themselves to be vulnerable and find the term insulting, the State can intervene against their wishes because the term is widely defined and open to equally wide interpretation; it removes autonomy and choice. A little ironic as the latest mantra trotted out by various professionals and even a care agency manager is that my husband can choose not to comply with treatment to his detriment and I apparently am supposed to sit by and let him, no doubt if he then has a medical emergency I can be accused of another form of abuse, neglect by not ensuring medical treatment, I sometimes think that carers cannot win Image .
My son with Downs was allowed to have sugar in his tea when at his Social Services day centre, because of silly interpretation of laws, saying that as he was 18, he could make his own choices.Did they have no sense? He is insulin dependent, and could have died if his blood sugar went too high. He has never taken sugar in his tea, so only doing it as a behavioural problem. The staff also interpreted things he said to them, as what they wanted to hear. They said that I was putting sugar on his cornflakes at breakfast, and giving him jam on toast, as he had told them so. I have no idea whether that is what he told them, or whether they made it up, as he never eats cornflakes, and hates jam on toast(although if he did eat these things, we could put canderel on cereal, and sugar free jam on toast!)I went through a very stressful period of being accused of various things like this, and it was only the support of a sensible very caring Learning Disability Nurse that everything was dealt with sensibly.
RE social workers we dont like them but as STAN was a war disabled veteran as is the old doll the veterans welfare service can and in fact did enlist the services of a social worker to protect him the veteran that is - they i suppose make sure that the veteran is being cared for in a safe and secure environment thats ok as far as it goes but i found the social worker experience very distresing and i was unable to have her or any social worker removed .
Alex: I agree with you when you say that Sara's mum (and you) have been the only people who have been giving care properly and that the rest of them just stand back and look on. I'm the only family member who gives care. Daughter's boyfriend helps when they come round, but they don't live nearby and son helps when he's at home for hols, but that's not often as down in Portsmouth Uni. BUT as for the other members, they all think that I'm okay because we have PAs. My brother-in-law and family say that they don't have to worry about hubby any more, because I'm here, they say that because we have PAs that "that's all right then". Great, thank you..........
Care for love or money?
Well, the love element is there, of course.
If we did it for the money, well, nobody would do it for the money, would they? Ask someone to care for 24 hours a day seven days a week etc etc for £53 odd per week and they'd tell you to go and get lost.
IF NOBODY ELSE IS EXPECTED TO WORK FOR THIS, THEN WHY ARE WE EXPECTED TO?

I care for my Mum cos I have to! I hate her demmands on me and I dont have any free time to call my own, I use her car for her benefit but if I am in home she rings constantly to check I am here as the thought of me using her car for my own pleasure is a big no no for her even though I put the petrol in!
My Mum has never liked me I had a terrible childhood with her, shes a selfish manipulating cow and for years we didnt speak, then in 2005 she had a stroke, I am an only one my Dad died 17 years ago so I had to take on the role of her Carer, she refused help from outsie sources telling them her daughter would do everything.

At the moment I am wired up to a heart monitor I have had to wear for 48 hours as I keep getting palpitations and chest pain I expect its all stress as I have problems with my son, major ones and he has a son of 3 with Cystic Fibrosis.

I didnt ask for this life, I had a good job as a Funeral Director that I had to give up to care for Mum, hell we cant even go on holiday even if we could afford as Mum would expect to come, have done that once and never again!
Nilla:

Your story sounds so very similar to mine. Why DO we "care" for mothers who never liked us? I don't know the answer but I'm certainly analysing myself, and it's likely that before very long I will take responsibility for myself, like myself again, and move away from the situation that, actually, my mother has brought on herself. If she'd been a loving kind mum, I'd have willingly & happily remained, but it causes me too much resentment and anger knowing of her past actions, and I don't think that's good for either of us.

Me & Dad were ships that passed in the night, but whenever I was in trouble he was there, and in his final years I was the ONLY one who was there for him. That is real love.

Sorry to hear you're on heart monitors etc. I had palpitations + other horrific stuff about 10 years ago, loads of tests etc....final diagnosis? Formal medical advice: "stay away from your mother". I did, and was fit and well, until recently.

Love, Jessie.
Care for love or money?
Well, the love element is there, of course.
If we did it for the money, well, nobody would do it for the money, would they? Ask someone to care for 24 hours a day seven days a week etc etc for £53 odd per week and they'd tell you to go and get lost.
IF NOBODY ELSE IS EXPECTED TO WORK FOR THIS, THEN WHY ARE WE EXPECTED TO?
You have answered your own question, Fran, as have all of the contributors to this thread. We care out of love and a sense of, perhaps in some cases misplaced, duty.

We are expected to work for £53 per week, and in many cases for nothing, and often at enormous cost to our own physical and/or psychological health because whilst the Government understands very little about carers they do realise this and they therefore know that they can pay us as little as they choose safe in the knowledge that we will not abandon those we care for to the lottery, and frequently inadequacy, of State provision.

Ironically, the Government which demands responsibility from all its citizens is also the Government which is willing to abdicate its responsibility towards and subject to the greatest exploitation those citizens who arguably display the greatest sense of responsibility.
I'm the only family member who gives care.
Me too Fran. All my family tell me they are very worried about me and that I need a break - but no-one will help me, not even my Brother and his wife. Everything is left to me and my Mum refuses to go into respite, so I'm just left to it.
My cousins wife is the only one who did look after my Mum whilst I went to a wedding, but it costs me £100 a day to pay her and it isn't something that could be regular help it was just a one-off.
My son with Downs was allowed to have sugar in his tea when at his Social Services day centre, because of silly interpretation of laws, saying that as he was 18, he could make his own choices.Did they have no sense? He is insulin dependent, and could have died if his blood sugar went too high. He has never taken sugar in his tea, so only doing it as a behavioural problem. The staff also interpreted things he said to them, as what they wanted to hear. They said that I was putting sugar on his cornflakes at breakfast, and giving him jam on toast, as he had told them so. I have no idea whether that is what he told them, or whether they made it up, as he never eats cornflakes, and hates jam on toast(although if he did eat these things, we could put canderel on cereal, and sugar free jam on toast!)I went through a very stressful period of being accused of various things like this, and it was only the support of a sensible very caring Learning Disability Nurse that everything was dealt with sensibly.
I was reading this yesterday, and the actions that the SS took made me horrfied! Yes your son has the right to be treated as an adult because he is 18, but surely his case is different in that, although he is an adult he needs support and guidance, because of his special requirements and that comes from you because you are the expert on his health and as Mother and family member & his doctor, not them. You have his best interests, and that includes maintaining his health and wellbeing, physically & emotionally. What they did by allowing him to take sugar could have been dangerous to his health, just because of their hapless interpretation of a law - it is just not on! Who do they think they are?
83 posts