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end of my tether - Carers UK Forum

end of my tether

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Hi, not sure if this the right section to be in. I,m a full time carer for my mum who had a stroke 18 months ago (now 76) & I live in her house with my stepfather. Mum has a positive attitude and wants to improve. She can walk albeit slowly with a Zimmer frame. My stepfather pays the utility bills for which we are grateful (there's no mortgage or anything outstanding on the house). However he refuses to do any of the household chores, shopping, cooking etc. and I do all the care. He his very volatile and very aggressive verbally to both mum and me. I,m simply exhausted. My priority is and always be my mum. My sisters live far away and have only visited mum 3 times this year. I,ve poa for mum for both health and wealth. My stepfather simply ignores even the most simple request. Mum is more than able to express herself, but I don't want her to have another stroke. We, re out the loop re social services as we, re self funding. I don't know who or where to ask for help. Thank you
Hiya
That's a hard situation for you with Mum being poorly and step-dad so awkward. Does Mum claim Attendance Allowance? If not look into that ASAP. When it comes to funding does Mum (you don't have to answer me here, this for you to consider) have more than £23,250.00 in savings in her own right? That is personal savings, investments etc and half of any joint accounts. Do not count the house as it doesn't count while she is living in it. If the answer is no then she is entitled to funding. Any money belonging to step father or you doesn't count. If the answer is yes then perhaps it is time she used some of those savings to privately employ some Care. Costs about 15/16/17 pounds plus an hour depending on where you live.
It might be an idea to research local Care Companies. Look them up on the CQC website too.
What would be the reaction from them both if you suggested some care help -or even a cleaner (cheaper)for a few hours each week?
Very well done for getting those POAs. Good move.
How do Mum and Dad get on when/if you aren't there. Do you have concerns for her safety or are you unable to get out and about for other reasons?
Even if you think Mum would be self funding, there's no reason why you can't get assessments for both of you (you have a Carer's Assessment) which will at the very least put Mum on SS radar so if you needed them in a hurry or in an emergency, they already have her on their records. Just because a SW might say you need three hours a day of care help (for example), doesn't mean you have to have it but might go some way to convincing them that a few hours a week might be a good idea.
Have you clicked on the red 'help' button at the top of the page and followed the links? Loads of information there which you might find useful. Also explore your LA website for what they offer for the elderly and for carers. There may be a Carer's group near you.
Do some research.
KR
Elaine
Hmm, is it her house, or does she co-own it with her husband? Was it hers alone before she married him?

I ask because even if he pays the utility bills, it sounds like he's otherwise something of a waste of space!!! If he won't help his wife, does he do anything for himself by way of feeding himself, doing his own laundry etc, or does he expect you to do it for him (since you are looking after your mum/his wife).

If he won't pull his weight what's the point of him being in the household?

Add to that his aggression and volatility, and it would seem your mum would be better off without him.
What a horrible situation to be in. Stepfather is committing domestic abuse, he's a bully. He might think it's acceptable to behave in this way, but it really isn't. Maybe Google "Domestic Abuse" for more information. Social Services also have a duty to protect vulnerable adults.
I'm wondering if he got married because he wanted someont else to look after him, and now your mum isn't able to do this, he reallly doesn't want her any more?
What does mum say about his behaviour?
Thank you for your responses and information, very helpful. I,ll do more research and ponder on the next step to take. A happy new year to everyone