Why do people send their elderly parents to care home

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
87 posts
I don't think we are being harsh: we have been reading Eun's posts now for the last seven or ten years with increasing frustration and there is no evidence to back her assertions that the only care option for her son is a residential home for old people apart from her own word. I am not questioning her word, but by this stage it might be helpful to know what she has done to challenge some low level decision at sub-minion level by escalating to a higher level, and on that, she has been totally silent. Meanwhile, she continues to post on this site and facebook, in a manner that implies that we are all doomed because nothing will ever change. This is not very helpful, it is not supportive, and it is not true: the fact is that things have changed and continue to change.
Scally, I haven't been here for as many years as you, so am not as well informed about the facts concerning Eun's son. I just feel very sad for Eun and her family, as life seems to be such a struggle and maybe Eun has become so ground down by the situation that she doesn't have the strength to go into battle with the LA. It would be good if Eun had somebody like you to go into battle for her, in real life.
SheWolf, I have faith (inner strength), but don't be misled. The Bible has useful phrases, many of which reflect reality - but that's as far as it goes. In truth, I'd probably describe myself as a pragmatist, so for census purposes, I guess I'm an atheist, or perhaps even a Jedi? Just kidding on the last one.

Once again though, regarding Eun's posts, I still have to side with Scally. Sorry.
Some very interesting comments on here from several perspectives. I can only speak from personal experience - my daughter was severely physically disabled after an accident at 15yrs and in continuous chronic pain and at 23yrs old now still not ready for anyone else other than me or occasionally her sister to help with personal care. This I fully understand and accept with the foresight to know that eventually this will have to change as we talk about future possibilities that seem far away at present... All of this has happened when my mother started to go downhill very rapidly with various conditions. I had been her carer but realised I couldn't do both and frankly my daughter came first. After family discussions my brother took on the reins and the decision was made to look for a nursing home for mom. She was there for a short time before she died and the guilt about the care she received there will haunt me because I know had I been able to care fully her last days would have been better...
I asked a social worker during one assessment about respite care for my daughter should I ever be incapacitated and her answer was there were no places in a radius of about 50 miles for my daughter's needs - there were plenty of OAP homes or a few places that specialised in learning disabilities available at a push. I do think that younger physically disabled people seem to be an after thought because the parents have to take the reins for so long. I don't have the knowledge, clout or the time/energy to challenge this - if the will/money/facilities of local authorities/councils aren't there how do we magic them up?
I have no experience of this as my son is only 5, but anecdotally one of his carers used to work in a residential home/respite centre for young adults, and when that closed (due to lack of funding) the only option for some of the young adults was an old people's home...
I had a client whose brother was also in an Old people's home in this area too. Not looking too good for people in this situation is it, how can we have swathes of people just not catered for?
Jenny, I only wish the carer could decide when it is time for the caree to go into residential care.

In many many cases, including my own, the law states that it is the caree's decision while they are deemed to have mental capacity. My mum refused to go into a home when it is was more than needed and, despite introducing me to the doctor as her nephew, he claimed she had mental capacity to make her own decision. The only way I got around this in the end was by threatening to withdraw all support and also threatening to sue the Hospital Trust for failing in their duty of care. The arguments took two weeks and were probably the worst weeks of my life.

Eun / Scally - I am not ignoring your own situations but am limiting my comments to an area where I have personal experience.
Lawyers cost money and where are we supposed to magically summon up one who will take on the might of the Social Work Department of the worst council in Scotland for physically disabled people. I have a Law degree myself. We don't all have councils willing to fork out money so that people can jaunt all over the world at the tax payers expense. Perhaps it is a case of not what you know but who you know in some cases?

Eun
Sorry Eun, but I am not a member of the SNP, Labour Party or a Masonic Lodge. I do not attend church, and I am one of the least clubbable people I know: so in terms of leverage I think my only assets are my enthusiasm, flexibility and willingness to try new and unfamiliar things.
As for my son gadding around the world: yes, it's great, isn't it? He can spend three weeks in New Zealand reconnecting with his big sister and nephew, with a volunteer escort/family friend, at a total cost somewhat less than two weeks in some dingy young people's respite home in Motherwell. Cool, eh? :silly: :D :P
Seoc an Aonaidh wrote:Jenny, I understand your point of view. I don't agree, but I do understand. The fact is, no-one, however young or old, has had their life, until that life expires. Everyone is entitled to life, however long or short. Some may be graced with longevity, others may not. That is not for us to judge, but merely to cherish, in the hope that, with good health, the same - longevity with no complications - may be bestowed upon us. Life, in whatever form, is a burden, both to the individual, and to those who care for them. That, we cannot change. When our time comes, we return to from whence we came - that is true of every living organism on this planet.
But some of us have had our lives on hold for so long it has been taken away from us - it is not the life/death argument here but the chance to live how you want to whilst being alive
87 posts