Being a full time carer and feeling alone ...

[Sarah _1607]

I've posted before but it's been a few months.
I'm a full time carer for my gran in her 90s.
Her daughter lives in Australia and her son lives 5 mins away.
Her son (my uncle) has never did anything for her or to help me.
I do the shopping/cooking etc.
Bit of background my uncles son is 45 and likes a drink.
On Wednesday my gran wasn't well,I had been there all day and rang my uncle and said will you stay tonight to make sure she's ok..
Straight away he said no I can't stay,no chance she's fine man!!
Then he eventually agreed after I said I would give him £20
It got to a hour before he was due and he rang and said "his son had gone missing and couldn't come up"
I said don't lie ..
He came up and he was lying to get out of it.
The next day he left at 6 am and left her on her own and didn't even ring me to say how she was and hasn't rang me since to check on her...or ask how she was.
How can her son be so horrible?

[bowlingbun]

Quite easily, because he thinks only about himself. Forget about help from him, accept he is unreliable and not worth wasting your breath on. and make other arrangements.

Has she had a recent Needs Assessment from Social Services? The should be able to arrange a sitting service.

[sunnydisposition]

As the previous person said...
You need to have independent help. Try not to expect or reply on family members. If family members were going to help this would be already happening. There should be no need to offer money to a family member. To help you out. Try to forget about how negative your uncle is. This is about you and your gran. Do what is best for you two.
Who have you tried for support?
What support do you currently receive?
The forum needs more information to help sign post you. If signposting is what you are looking for or is it just a listening ear.

[MrsAverage]

Hello Sarah and welcome back.
The short answer is he can be so horrible because people who " like a drink" I..e alcoholics, don't ever really care a fig about anyone other than themselves and their next drink.
It seems incomprehensible to someone as kind and loving as you are but that's the way it is.
How's Gran now?

Kr
MrsA

[Sarah _1607]

Gran is ok now,back to normal.
She gets over things pretty quickly luckily.
It's actually my uncles son who drinks not my uncle himself.
I even get shopping for my uncle and bring him a hot lunch once a week.
Yet he can't do me a favour..it's almost like I'm asking him a favour when really I'm helping him by doing all the caring.

[jenny lucas]

Stop doing a SINGLE THING for your uncle.

People like your uncle and his son willingly exploit others - they make excuses for their behaviour 'Oh, Sarah is a nice girl, she looks after her gran, so she can look after me too.'

Learning to say 'NO' is essential. You are being taken for a ride by them, and just stop it!!!!!

Your gran is quite enough on your plate. How much time do you spend on her? Remember, she ought to qualify for some professaional care, and whether she likes it or not, she can't have you to do everything for her.

But definitely write your uncle and your cousin out of the picture - they are a waste of space the pair of them! And do not do ANYTHING FOR THEM.

[Melly1]

Hi Sarah,
Sadly, I agree with the other posters. You can't rely on your useless relatives and I would leave them to cook their own meals etc You are a very caring person but you have enough to deal with.

Here are some links for you. If your Gran had a bit of outside support you'd have more time to have a social life yourself, in turn this would make you less lonely. A happy carer is more effective than a miserable one, so your Gran would benefit too.

Carers assessment https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... assessment

Needs assessment https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... assessment

If your Gran claimed Attendance Allowance, this could be used for paying for a cleaner/ gardner/ mobile hairdresser or taxi to get out to appointments etc taking some of the pressure off you.
Attendance Allowance https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... -allowance

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

Sarah, why do you run around your uncle when he's so horrible?
Are they intimidating you so you feel there is no choice?
Seems they are seriously abusing their goodwill, they are lazy, the more they can get you to do the less they need to do for themselves. Horrible, horrible people.