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'My daughter will do it for me'.. - Carers UK Forum

'My daughter will do it for me'..

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
Mum, who I am a carer for, unfortuantly fell yesterday and is now in hospital, having tests. On visiting her tongiht, she was still expecting the same care from me, 5 nurses were standing quite close to her, enjoying a quiet moment, mum wanted the commode, 'its ok, my daughters here now, she'll do it for me'...Ummm
Spent the whole visiting time listening to mum asking me for numerous drinks, even, although she is quite capable, asking me to hold the cup for her whilst she drank, 'puff my pillows up', turn me over' 'get me out of bed/in bed' etc etc, and even when i was chatting to the nurses, she got the huff, cos she wasn't getting my full attention..happy days..lol
Val, I'm sorry to hear what has happened to your mum.

I hope you won't think me heartless if I suggest that this is the time that you should try and get proper help in place for when she comes home?
I had a look back at some of the advice given by others on your introduction thread and honestly feel that she needs a proper assessment by Occupational Therapy. You my dear may also need to be more vocal about what YOUR needs are because if you don't tell them you need help, they will be quite happy to send her home and back into your dutiful care..while you get more and more weary.

Perhaps Social Services could be contacted while mum is in hospital and you couls stress your need for an urgent carers assessment?
I know this seems very mercenary and I personally don't have to look after an elderly relative but I see so many posts on here from those in a similar position to yourself..better to get the wheels moving now .

Good luck Image
Thanks Ladybird,
My lovely bother fought tooth and nail for an assessment for mum, which should have happened yesterday( the day she fell), on contacting mums social worker today, she told him 'under no circumstances let them discharge mum untill a full care package is place', we told this to the staff at the hospital tonight, but think we may have to keep nagging them that we REALLY do mean it.
I did put my foot down with mum tonight and told her that I won't be doing the things she needs while there is staff on the ward quite happy to do them, (think I may have upset her a bit) cos she replied 'well, its up to you'!.
I just wish she'd realise that I do work all day, every day and am so very knackered when i visited her tonght AND its not my job to do it while she is in hospital.
Thanks again for your reply.
Will be thinking of you Val and your brother..I'm afraid mum will have to accept that son and daughter are not Superman and Superwoman!

Keep us posted x
Oh Val, your answer should be, I'll get the nurse to do it, that's their job whilst you're (mum's) in here (hospital ward).
Thanks Audry and Frandrake
I did say thats the nurses job, but i could see mum didn't like it. She makes me feel that I am just off loading, which in reality, i suppose thats what i was doing. To be honest, although, I hated saying it, it was nice for someone else to do the caring for a change, and I really don't think the nursing staff would be happy for me to do it anyway. Its not that shes embarrassed either as she has been in and out of hospital a few times and got quite used to them doing the personal tasks for her. I suppose, in a way, she has got so used to me doing them for her at home that she thinks I can carry on while she is in hospital. Brother will be ring the social worker tomorrow to ask them to liase directly with the hospital. Yes, your'e all quite right, we have to get the ball rolling NOW, before they suddenly discharge her, thanks for your support, I really DO appeciate it xx
Mum might have said you were off loading, but no, you were not. You were there to visit her and the nurses are there to see to her.
Get the ball rolling and don't let your Mum be discharged until everything is in place.
I agree with the others... I know that in part, it could be classed as "bed blocking", but I feel that in your case, it's going to be the only way of getting your point across as well as getting the help that you need because I can see your mum trying to block you at every turn in the road otherwise.
It does sound as if your mum is acting out of habit, maybe so used to the caring situation that she doesn't necessarily consider it an issue to ask things of you.

Sometimes when faced with a lot of work, phone calls, chasing up etc. I close my eyes, put myself in the future and just feel how good it will feel once it's all sorted and you've I've the services I need Image It keeps me going when there's a lot of resistance.
Aw, your'e all so supportive and of course, right in eveything you say, I know thats its gonna be hard for me to refuse mum and that she'll probably have a 'funny' with me, but it has to be done, work at the moment is taking its toil, schools are very busy at this time of the year, SAT's, reports, Ofsed loomimg etc that by time I get home. I'm ready for nothing only sleep (i have a lot of evening, school related work also), I just wish mum could see this, she really is a lovely person, but her illness has taken its toil. My brother is also in a highly stressful job, within the fire service, and hes feeling it now too, like you said, sometimes you need to switch off now and then, if possible!