Who cares when I'm gone??

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
My youngest daughter just dropped a bomb shell, she has always maintained that she would look after her sister if the worst came to the worst and anything happened to me. Until now that is, she is having some counselling after going through a bit of a difficult patch and her counsellor has got her thinking and now she doesn't want to take over the caring role. You must know that I have always said I didn't want her too anyway and I never said she should, its just something she has always said. Until now. I don't even know why I feel so sad about this as I never wanted her to take that on anyway but its finding the alternative and she's said that I need to get something in place now just incase :ohmy: Sorry folks I just needed to get that out there and off my chest. Thanks for reading.
I'm always horrified by the expectation that a sibling should take over. I know how hard it is to care even when it's my own child. My eldest son had his childhood restricted in so many ways by his brother, although we did our best. I was very ill when M was 16 (he's now 38) and the GP told Social Services that he MUST be a boarder at his school. From there, he went to a residential farm college, a largeish residential home, smaller home, and then supported living.
He always came home about every second weekend, a lot of driving for me, 60 miles away = 240 miles for two journeys, but it had to be done. Since being away he has done all sorts of things, we've supported him every step of the way. Much better than having to suddenly leave home when there is a crisis.
How old is your daughter, what is the nature of her disability, how much care does he need?
I would suggest that this is a good time for you to start counselling too, so you are supported through a difficult time.
Hi How old are your children?
There is a great deal of difference re:providing care.
What level of care is/was the expectation. I think it's quite difficult this issue because we all what to say and do the right thing. More and more care is now being done with outside help than ever before.
I think is quite healthy if we are lucky to get a good care agency and carers. Families tend to ask for more help these days (not that some always get it). Your daughter who was going to provide care. Can still help but not be solely responsible. This can be shared through SS and agencies. She needs to know that she will have her own live. Perhaps this is good this issue as come to light now. So you all have time to make long term plans.
There an always be positives out of negatives. I've never had a life that has been set in stone. I have provided care through paid and unpaid work. I have had to always adapt and make changes.
Marie - getting things off our chests is what this forum is all about!!!

I'm so sorry for not remembering your exact circumstances, but if, as I take it, you have two adult daughters, one of whom is likely to need life-long care (is that the situation?), including beyond, potentially, your own lifetime?

And the issue is - how will care for your older daughter be provided, if and as you predecease her in the years to come?

I have to say, whatever has been discussed or agreed, up till now that, speaking only personally, the principle has to be that no sibling should HAVE to 'dedicate their lives' to another, however needy that other. If, maybe, it's just a question of 'looking out for' or 'sorting out the paperwork' etc (to manage the care which actually takes place in, say, supported living), then assigning a sibling to be the 'guardian' almost, is one thing. Providing it does not take up too much time - ie, the key thing is that the non-caring sibling gets 'their own life'.

But if the caree-sibling needs hands on care from someone else, then it can't be right for a sibling to 'have' to provide that care? Even if they wanted to?

Each child of ours must, surely, be entitled 'to their own lives'. It might seem, from what you say, that you have always felt this, very rightly, but that your younger daughter wanted to be the eventual carer of her sibling, but now, on reflection and counselling, feels 'free' maybe (???)to 'admit' (possibly!) that she doesn't want to.

Do you think your younger daughter will 'fret' until she knows what alternatives are possible and as much as can be, put in place? Do you think she fears that unless yo ucan show her 'don't worry, you won't have to care for your sister', she will be scared that if, say, you went under a bus, suddenly her whole life would be 'taken over' by her caree-sibling?

I do hope this situation can be resolved ,and can well understand how very emotional it must be to you, who love your daughters both, and only want the best for both of them.

Kindest wishes, at difficult times - Jenny

PS - Apologies if I've completely misunderstood and misread the situation!