Where to get support for me?

[jenny lucas]

BB - I think the point about offering free childcare for our grandchildren falls into a different category of exploitation alas.

So many grandparents are DESPERATE to see their grandchildren, so they offer free childcare as a way of getting time and access to their grandchildren. They know that without it, they wouldn't see nearly as much of them.

That's the 'hold' that 'exploitative sons and daughters' have over grandparents I fear.

[bowlingbun]

HER dog, HER responsibility.
Your first responsibility is to YOURSELF. Thanks to an inheritance from mum, I can now go on holiday twice a year, in search of the sun in the Med. Aircraft emergency procedure is always to put YOUR oxygen mask on before trying to help anyone else. A good lesson for life generally, that we must look after ourselves first.

[Blossom24]

Regrettably once we say yes we are hooked. Many years ago I helped to look after my husband's elderly aunt. She had lost her husband and although she had no children there were plenty of nieces and nephews who kept on praising me for "being" there when all they did was the ocassional phone call. . However when I pulled back on my weekly help due to my Mum needing more care I received some truly dreadful comments. So it is better to get it right at the start.

Learning to say "no" but in a nice way is probably the best. But sometimes easier said than done.

I was saddened to read your comment. I hope that you're OK. xx

[Blossom24]

Yes, as I say, folk who exploit others' good nature and kindness never want to FEEL that they are exploiting them! Oh no, that would be 'uncomfortable' wouldn't it!

So that's why they get angry when the exploited person 'dares' to tell them to get stuffed! Oh, the outrage of it!

SO much of the 'control' that others exert over our lives is because we 'fear to offend' - and we 'fear' their anger and displeasure.

Whether that anger and displeasure comes from tyrannical old gits and bats (I use the harsh terms quite deliberately - why should tyrants be described nicely??) who basically threaten us with their anger, or from 'friends' who are actually selfish little txxxds (again, why be polite about such 'users'?!), we ALWAYS have to learn THE most important lesson:

THAT WE DON'T GIVE A STUFF ABOUT THEIR ANGER!

Being afraid of people being angry and displeased with us is the way they control and exploit us.

But other people's anger and displeasure is THEIR problem, not ours! That's what we have to take on board. We 'people pleasers' have to LEARN to be as selfish as the exploiters are!

One way we can 'train' ourselves is this. If we are going to make sacrifices, let's make them for someone WORTHY of being sacrificed for! Let's do it for the hard-pressed mum of a disabled child, for a lonely elderly person, for someone who can't afford something we can (but not because they are spendthrifts themselves!) - ie, let's help THOSE WHO ACTUALLY NEED help....not those who only WANT help! (and arent' prepared to pay for it by favours in return, and actually presume to get narked if we don't do them favours!)

I do think that constantly bearing in mind the question - is this person WORTHY of my sacrifice? can help us stand up to those who totally are NOT 'worthy' of anything (except a slap round the face with a wet fish to make them stop using other people!)

I like you and your comments Jenny.

I've found an oline CBT course that has been sooooooo helpful.

You know what the person that I dog sit for will adapt I'm sure of it. They will adapt with the rules that I set and not the rules that they set. The thing is that I am more than happy to look after the dog (he's lovely even if a bit badly behaved) and no-one else is. So they are going to have to adapt.

[Blossom24]

IF you don't mind looking after the dog, now and then, but get nothing in return, there is a simple answer. Don't do it. Because this is precisely the sort of thing that takes away YOUR time so that there is no time left for you to do what YOU want.
If you find it easier, you can simply say "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to look after Fido any more". Again, you do NOT have to justify yourself or make excuses. What you do with your time is up to you.
Someone I know, a really lovely happy, bubbly person, was used horribly as an unpaid baby sitter by her daughters, one was a doctor, the other was also well qualified. They said they couldn't trust their children with anyone else. The friend never even went on a cruise without the children in tow so the daughters could work!
The friend died, dad had a new girlfriend they didn't approve of, and immediately they found nurseries for the children. I shall always wonder if they had done that and allowed the friend to do what she wanted, and look after herself, whether she'd still be alive. Those girls will have the rest of their lives to spend asking themselves this question.

I value your advice so much. I have found an online CBT course. It's so helpful and makes so much sense. I think that the thing is that we think everybody works the same way and we don't.

[bowlingbun]

Absolutely. I know a lot of people who "give" and others "take", but it's taken me until my sixties to realise how much I've given and how much has been taken by others!
Now I take the view that no one else has any right to any of my time, space, or money. It's mine, and mine alone, to keep for myself, or give away as I want.
No one can tell me what to do!

I will always try to help my son with learning difficulties, as it's difficult for him to speak for himself, but now my primary role for him is care organiser, rather than giver. He lives 15 miles away and comes home alternate weekends. However, if it's not possible for some reason, there are alternative arrangements possible.
Similarly I will always help my eldest son, and his son, my grandson, because I want to. I make cakes for the family, because I want to, not because I have to.

Once I realised I had a choice, and what I did was done because of love, rather than duty, it made life much richer somehow. I hope you too can discover this.

[MrsAverage]

Blossom
Could you provide a link to the course you have found please?

To cut a long story short, I ended up deciding to go visit a long lost relative who is terminally ill. Big Sis used to see this person more than I did and did ask me to go in her stead (she has a history of 'using' me, but in this case I went for myself because i dont think anyone should be without visitors near the end of theri life.)
Towards the end of today's visit, ( the second) it became apparent he thought she had visited him. She hasnt and probably wont. It was ME.
Why do I bother?

[Blossom24]

Blossom
Could you provide a link to the course you have found please?

To cut a long story short, I ended up deciding to go visit a long lost relative who is terminally ill. Big Sis used to see this person more than I did and did ask me to go in her stead (she has a history of 'using' me, but in this case I went for myself because i dont think anyone should be without visitors near the end of theri life.)
Towards the end of today's visit, ( the second) it became apparent he thought she had visited him. She hasnt and probably wont. It was ME.
Why do I bother?

Hi I found this very helpful

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/step1.htm

[MrsAverage]

Thanks Blossom, that looks good

[MrsAverage]

Thanks Blossom, that looks good