Where to get support for me?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
As BB was saying, it's realy helpful to come up with some handy 'stock phrases' to keep exploiters at bay.

Remember, you do NOT 'owe them the truth', and you do NOT 'owe them an immediate answer'.

So, if someone wants you to do something, you can adopt a 'holding' response that is easier for YOU because it doesn't require you to say 'No' - and saying 'no' outright is very hard for people pleasers, raised to put others first and ourselves last!

So, getting into the habit of saying things like 'Ooh, I'll have to have a think about that!' or 'I need to check my diary' or 'I'm not sure at the moment, I'll let you know', can be very useful to 'ward them off'.

Now, be prepared, they WILL try and 'push' you. They'll say things like ' I really need to know now!' (oh, yes, how nice for THEM, I'll be they need to line you up as a sucker ASAP!), to which you then say, 'I just can't give you an answer yet - I have things I have to check'.

Don't let them push you into replying. Because they will, eg ' What things?, 'When can you let me know? I need to know by tomorrow' etc etc.

They will try, ruthlessly, to knock down your arguments, to 'prove' to you that yes, you CAN do what THEY want!.

At that point, you can just go on repeating your 'mantra', ie, 'I can't give you a definite answer yet', (you can say that as often as you like - tough if they don't like ti!). Or, if that's tricky, then simply say 'Oh, must got, that's Mum calling' or 'my other phone is ringing' or 'the kettle's boiling' or 'I've left the iron on' (whatever whatever).

It doesn't matter if that's a lie. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM THE TRUTH! (You don't owe them ZILCH - they owe YOU! for all the favours you've done them)!

Yes, it's hard to stand up to people at first, but I promise you, with practise it gets easier. And, even better, the more you say 'no' (as in, the more you 'evade' their demands for your 'submission' to their will!), in time, they will, I promise, get the message.

Another tip for saying 'no' is, after you've said to their face 'I'll have to check' you then don't SPEAK to them to tell them that, actually, no you can't do what they want, is simply to text them or leave a voicemail. That is easier than saying no to their face.

Now, they'll promptly get back to you 'BUT I NEED YOU! I was COUNTING on you!' blahblah blah, but then you just say, 'I'm sorry ,but there it is'.

Wishing you all the very best. Remember, these people are NOT 'true friends' - they are USERS. And they no more give a stuff about YOU (or they wouldn't try and exploit you all the time!) than you should give a stuff about them.

Friends, true friends, ALWAYS reciprocate favours - and NEVER ask more than they do in return themselves. THAT is friendship.
Ha! Thank you again.

I've emailed CBT in my area and sent off an email. I'm not sure that I'll need it though after all this advice.
On my sad journey, I've discovered who my true friends are. Not many! Not once have they asked me for anything. I've offered, and the answer is ,oh no, you have your own troubles. I'm a people pleaser too.
True friends wouldn't ask anything of you whilst having such a difficult time. Do they ever offer anything?!
I would definitely have some CBT if you can get it - if nothing else it will reinforce what we are saying here (and I know for my own part that I am only passing on advice I had to learn myself!)(I once spent about half an hour on the phone with a 'friend' who really, really REALLY wanted me to do something for her, and kept backing me into a corner etc etc. I felt I'd done five rounds in a boxing ring before I finally 'escaped' the phone call. It was RELENTLESS)

It's really good to come up with 'smiley stock phrases' that are 'neutral' so to speak.

Things like 'What a shame!' said in a brightly-bright voice, with a nice smile. And 'Oh dear!' and 'What a pity!'.

They are totally meaningless, but if you say them brightly-bright, it can be hard for the exploiter to 'break through' that smiley-smiley brightly bright 'armour' you've put on that is basically (sub text here!) telling them to 'bog off!'.

Do remember that the user-folk are totally insensitive to 'gentle hints'. Most of us would pick up straight away if what we wree asking were 'unwelcome' but the 'user-folk' have NO such sensitivity (that half an hour phone call I mentioned above, the woman had NO clue that I was radiating I DONT WANT TO DO THIS! on every frequency, but simply did not - or refused to - pick up on it)

Humour can be useful. I said in an earlier post that these days I automatically say 'Hmm, it depends!' when someone asks me if I've got onythig on next Tuesday. I say it in a kind of 'arch' way - and sometimes add, 'if you're going to invite me to Buckingham Palace, then I'll cancel all my engagements, but if it's anything less than that then I'm FRIGHTFULLY busy all week' and give a little ha-ha laugh.....)

Saying 'no' with a smile, and a laugh, can be MUCH easier on US. (We don't have to give a stuff about making it easier for THEM - as they are nothing ing of US at all, remember, just themselves!)
Pet66 wrote:
Sun May 06, 2018 11:51 am
On my sad journey, I've discovered who my true friends are. Not many! Not once have they asked me for anything. I've offered, and the answer is ,oh no, you have your own troubles. I'm a people pleaser too.
True friends wouldn't ask anything of you whilst having such a difficult time. Do they ever offer anything?!
This is so true. I'm spending a bit of time finding true friends. One or two people have shocked me to be honest.
jenny lucas wrote:
Sun May 06, 2018 11:54 am
I would definitely have some CBT if you can get it - if nothing else it will reinforce what we are saying here (and I know for my own part that I am only passing on advice I had to learn myself!)(I once spent about half an hour on the phone with a 'friend' who really, really REALLY wanted me to do something for her, and kept backing me into a corner etc etc. I felt I'd done five rounds in a boxing ring before I finally 'escaped' the phone call. It was RELENTLESS)

It's really good to come up with 'smiley stock phrases' that are 'neutral' so to speak.

Things like 'What a shame!' said in a brightly-bright voice, with a nice smile. And 'Oh dear!' and 'What a pity!'.

They are totally meaningless, but if you say them brightly-bright, it can be hard for the exploiter to 'break through' that smiley-smiley brightly bright 'armour' you've put on that is basically (sub text here!) telling them to 'bog off!'.

Do remember that the user-folk are totally insensitive to 'gentle hints'. Most of us would pick up straight away if what we wree asking were 'unwelcome' but the 'user-folk' have NO such sensitivity (that half an hour phone call I mentioned above, the woman had NO clue that I was radiating I DONT WANT TO DO THIS! on every frequency, but simply did not - or refused to - pick up on it)

Humour can be useful. I said in an earlier post that these days I automatically say 'Hmm, it depends!' when someone asks me if I've got onythig on next Tuesday. I say it in a kind of 'arch' way - and sometimes add, 'if you're going to invite me to Buckingham Palace, then I'll cancel all my engagements, but if it's anything less than that then I'm FRIGHTFULLY busy all week' and give a little ha-ha laugh.....)

Saying 'no' with a smile, and a laugh, can be MUCH easier on US. (We don't have to give a stuff about making it easier for THEM - as they are nothing ing of US at all, remember, just themselves!)
Oh don't worry I will be getting some CBT. I'm going to call the local carers trust too. This is hard work and I definitely could do with some support.

Having said that my neighbour's just asked me round for a BBQ and a drink - how kind!

I've declined because I have some work to do (which was why I could helpp my friend yesterday) but I will thank tham and say that I would LOVE to go another time. I hope I haven't put them off. I honestly think that I wouldn't relax enough to socialise today.
IF you don't mind looking after the dog, now and then, but get nothing in return, there is a simple answer. Don't do it. Because this is precisely the sort of thing that takes away YOUR time so that there is no time left for you to do what YOU want.
If you find it easier, you can simply say "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to look after Fido any more". Again, you do NOT have to justify yourself or make excuses. What you do with your time is up to you.
Someone I know, a really lovely happy, bubbly person, was used horribly as an unpaid baby sitter by her daughters, one was a doctor, the other was also well qualified. They said they couldn't trust their children with anyone else. The friend never even went on a cruise without the children in tow so the daughters could work!
The friend died, dad had a new girlfriend they didn't approve of, and immediately they found nurseries for the children. I shall always wonder if they had done that and allowed the friend to do what she wanted, and look after herself, whether she'd still be alive. Those girls will have the rest of their lives to spend asking themselves this question.
bowlingbun wrote:
Sun May 06, 2018 5:44 pm
IF you don't mind looking after the dog, now and then, but get nothing in return, there is a simple answer. Don't do it. Because this is precisely the sort of thing that takes away YOUR time so that there is no time left for you to do what YOU want.
If you find it easier, you can simply say "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to look after Fido any more". Again, you do NOT have to justify yourself or make excuses. What you do with your time is up to you.
Someone I know, a really lovely happy, bubbly person, was used horribly as an unpaid baby sitter by her daughters, one was a doctor, the other was also well qualified. They said they couldn't trust their children with anyone else. The friend never even went on a cruise without the children in tow so the daughters could work!
The friend died, dad had a new girlfriend they didn't approve of, and immediately they found nurseries for the children. I shall always wonder if they had done that and allowed the friend to do what she wanted, and look after herself, whether she'd still be alive. Those girls will have the rest of their lives to spend asking themselves this question.
You make a clever and valid point here. My friend has already said that I'm the only person who will look after the dog. The friends who say No have been accepted as friends who won't look after the dog. They go out with those friends and leave the dog with me.

I say that I will look after the dog and so I can't go out and have fun because I'm the dog sitter. But also, and more importantly, I've said no which has upset them and so we fall out. If I had never said yes in the first place this wouldn't have happened.

Interesting :D
Regrettably once we say yes we are hooked. Many years ago I helped to look after my husband's elderly aunt. She had lost her husband and although she had no children there were plenty of nieces and nephews who kept on praising me for "being" there when all they did was the ocassional phone call. . However when I pulled back on my weekly help due to my Mum needing more care I received some truly dreadful comments. So it is better to get it right at the start.

Learning to say "no" but in a nice way is probably the best. But sometimes easier said than done.
Yes, as I say, folk who exploit others' good nature and kindness never want to FEEL that they are exploiting them! Oh no, that would be 'uncomfortable' wouldn't it!

So that's why they get angry when the exploited person 'dares' to tell them to get stuffed! Oh, the outrage of it!

SO much of the 'control' that others exert over our lives is because we 'fear to offend' - and we 'fear' their anger and displeasure.

Whether that anger and displeasure comes from tyrannical old gits and bats (I use the harsh terms quite deliberately - why should tyrants be described nicely??) who basically threaten us with their anger, or from 'friends' who are actually selfish little txxxds (again, why be polite about such 'users'?!), we ALWAYS have to learn THE most important lesson:

THAT WE DON'T GIVE A STUFF ABOUT THEIR ANGER!

Being afraid of people being angry and displeased with us is the way they control and exploit us.

But other people's anger and displeasure is THEIR problem, not ours! That's what we have to take on board. We 'people pleasers' have to LEARN to be as selfish as the exploiters are!

One way we can 'train' ourselves is this. If we are going to make sacrifices, let's make them for someone WORTHY of being sacrificed for! Let's do it for the hard-pressed mum of a disabled child, for a lonely elderly person, for someone who can't afford something we can (but not because they are spendthrifts themselves!) - ie, let's help THOSE WHO ACTUALLY NEED help....not those who only WANT help! (and arent' prepared to pay for it by favours in return, and actually presume to get narked if we don't do them favours!)

I do think that constantly bearing in mind the question - is this person WORTHY of my sacrifice? can help us stand up to those who totally are NOT 'worthy' of anything (except a slap round the face with a wet fish to make them stop using other people!)